Amy Schumer isn't afraid to take on the titans.
In Tuesday's episode of Comedy Central's Inside Amy Schumer, she played Bill Cosby's defense attorney in the court of public opinion. Cosby, of course, has been accused of drugging and sexually assaulting more than 30 women over the course of several decades, though the comic's legal team has denied all allegations. In fact, it was their repeated denials that inspired Schumer to go after Cosby.
After the prosecutor argued that "the evidence clearly points to guilt," it was Schumer's turn to "defend" her client. What she really did, though, was create a number of distractions to sway the jury in Cosby's favor.
Schumer began her closing argument by playing some lighthearted music and doing a little shimmy. "Woo! That was already fun, wasn't it?" she asked the jury. "Right? Did everybody feel happy just now? Remember? I know I did. You've heard an awful lot from the prosecution over the last few weeks about stuff that may—or may not—have happened. All these women. Same story. Same facts. Repetitive! And how'd that feel to listen to? Blah, right? How do you feel when I play this?" she asked before showing a Cosby Show clip. "Did anyone feel raped by that? How about drugged? No? Me neither. I felt comforted by a familiar father figure. Nostalgia. Happiness. Laughter. Not guilty! Let's break this down logically. I am a good person. I like this good show. Last time I checked, good plus good did not equal guilty." The prosecutor objected, of course, but she was overruled.
"I'm basically talking about Dr. Huxtable, right?" Schumer asked the jury.
"We are not," the prosecutor reminded her.
"I said 'basically,'" Schumer said.
"It seems like we're going to be here a while with all these 'objections.' Would anybody like a pudding pop?" she asked the jury, who did, in fact, want eat the treat. "Would you look at that? It's unanimous. How could the face of such a yummy treat do anything bad? I mean, how would that even work?"
Schumer then gave the jurors Cosby-style sweaters.
"Ladies and gentlemen, at this point, Bill Cosby probably can't get in any legal trouble. That's not what this is about. This is about us not punishing ourselves for loving great comedy. This is a court of public opinion, right? Let's remind ourselves what's at stake here. If convicted, the next time you put on a rerun of The Cosby Show, you may wince a little. You might feel a little pang. And none of us deserve that! We don't deserve to feel that pang! We deserve to dance like no one's watching and watch like no one's raping," she said. "The defense rests!"
The next and final treat—a chocolate cake—arrived via a messenger service and came from Cosby. "Ms. Schumer, Cosby wanted to thank you for defending him," the deliveryman said, handing her an olive martini.
Did she drink it? Of course not.
Inside Amy Schumer airs Tuesdays at 10:30 p.m. on Comedy Central.