"Apple Watch isn't just with you, it's on you."
That quote basically sums up the entire Apple Live event on Monday, meaning it was all about two things: the Apple Watch and sexual innuendos. They said stuff like this: "the Force Touch trackpad can tell the difference between a light tap and a deep press" and this: "The harder you press on the trackpad, the faster you can...[do technical stuff]."
Either Apple's marketing team was trolling us or they used sexy, steamy, romance novel-y language on purpose to make us all turned on by electronic devices. And that is something that Apple specializes in.
Seriously, we spent the whole presentation just shouting this every two minutes:
It made our coworkers very uncomfortable and now we have a very tense meeting with HR scheduled. But enough about us...
Let's talk about the long-anticipated arrival of a device you probably don't need but you and everyone else will desperately want anyway: the Apple Watch.
It's not the iWatch. Don't try and call it that or CEO Tim Cook will come find you and strike you down with the fury of a million angry bloggers.
Here is what you need to know about the Apple Watch and all the other announcements Apple made during its big presentation:
The Apple Watch comes in three versions which we will call the Sporty Spice, Regular and Only for Richie Rich.
Apple Watch Sport (Sporty Spice) is made of aluminum and priced from $349 to $399.
Apple Watch (Regular) is made of stainless steel and it's priced from $599 to $1,099.
Finally, Apple Watch Edition (Only for Richie Rich) is made out of 18K solid gold and it burps diamonds every 12 minutes. Fine, it doesn't do the diamond thing but it is made out of gold and it will cost you $10,000. Count on someone like Justin Bieber to get it for free, infuriating you forever.
There are tons of apps you can get on the watch that will help you stay active. For example, you can get notifications telling you to get off your ass because you've been sitting too long, basically. You can also do stuff like record your heartbeat and send it to people. Poking people on Facebook is so 2006. It's time to start (literally and digitally) sending your heart to people.
Soon youths of the world will screech to their friends that the person they have a crush on "totally just thumped me!" That will be their cool, hip slang for "he/she sent me their heartbeat." We're starting it right here, right now.
The Apple Watch comes with a fully customizable watch face, and it can be synced with apps like Apple Pay and Uber , plus you can even sync it with your garage door! So you can pay for your drinks, get a ride and get into your house all while using your wrist.
The future is here and it's got a logo Apple, you guys.
The Apple Watch is available for pre-orders on April 10, which is also when you can start playing with it in stores. Apple will start shipping them out on April 24.
For more information on the Apple Watch, you can "oooh" and "ahhh" over at Apple's website.
Also announced during the event was the new MacBook, which will be 24 percent thinner than the MacBook Air and it now comes in gold! Plus, the Macbook has a port called USB-C, which is essentially five ports in one. It's your power, USB data transfer, DisplayPort, HDMI, and VGA slot. We're just calling it witchcraft.
Finally, Apple TV has announced an exclusive partnership with HBO, which is why we just got a new Game of Thrones trailer.
Tim Cook wrapped up his presentation with this quote: "And that's what everyone at Apple is focused on…pushing forward and creating the future…[whispers under breath] debt of your family."*
*we completely made up that last part of the quote
As with every new Apple product or update, most people on Twitter mocked the watch and complained about the unnecessary gizmos and features, but you know when those products get released it'll be less "ugh, over it" and more: