The Golden Globe gods (or G-Cubed, as we call them) has once again graced us with two hosts who just know how to open a show. Tina Fey and Amy Poehler returned for their third time hosting the Golden Globes, and their opening monologue was everything we wanted needed, and so much more. The only terrible thing about their routine was the crushing realization that once it was over, we'd never get a Tiny and Amy Golden Globe opening monologue again.
Obviously, Tina and Amy's "Would You Rather" game was the big highlight, but as for the rest, here are their best bits and jokes to start the show, ranked:
17. Amy: "Steve Carell is here tonight for Foxcatcher. In Foxcatcher, Steve Carell plays a paranoid, murderous billionaire. The role was a stretch for Carell who in real life is a paranoid, murderous millionaire."
16. Tina: "Patricia Arquette is here. So wonderful in Boyhood. Boyhood proves that there are still great roles for women over 40 as long as you get hired when you're under 40."
15. Amy: "Jennifer Aniston is here tonight nominated for the film Cake. We should explain that to the Hollywood people in the room: cake is like a fluffy dessert that people eat on their birthday.
Tina: "And birthdays are things people celebrate when they admit that they have aged."
14. Tina: "Joaquin Phoenix is nominated for Inherent Vice but obviously he's isn't here tonight because he has said publicly that award shows are quote ‘Total and utter bull--‘
Tina: "Oh, hey Joaquin! There he is."
13. Tina: "Steve Carell's Foxcatcher look took two hours to put on…just for comparison in took me three hours today to prepare for my role as human woman."
12. Amy: "Big Eyes is nominated tonight. In fact, one of those famous Big Eyes paintings is on display tonight. Let's check it out." [camera cuts to Emma Stone]
Amy: "So lifelike!"
Tina: "It's cute but it's creepy."
11. Amy: "Into the Woods stars Meryl Streep. Meryl plays a witch who sends the townspeople on a magical quest to collect the items she needs to win another Golden Globe."
10. Amy: "Wes Anderson is here tonight for the film Grand Budapest Hotel. Per usual, Wes arrived on a bicycle made of antique tuba parts."
9. Tina: "Welcome you bunch of despicable, spoiled, minimally-talented brats."
8. Tina: "J.K. Simmons is here, or as Matthew McConaughey calls him: "Just Keep Simmons."
7. Tina: "Tyler Perry was so good in Gone Girl that he has actually been asked to write and direct a sequel called Girl, I Thought You Were Gone!"
6. Tina: "Tonight we celebrate all the great television shows we know and love as well as all the movies that North Korea was OK with."
5. Amy: "The biggest story in Hollywood this year was when North Korea threatened an attack if Sony released The Interview, forcing us all to pretend we wanted to see it."
4. Amy: "In Into the Woods, Cinderella runs from her prince, Rapunzel is thrown from her tower for her prince and Sleeping Beauty just thought she was getting coffee with Bill Cosby."
3. Tina: "North Korea referred to The Interview as ‘absolutely intolerable' and a ‘wanton act of terror.' Even more amazing: not the worst review the movie got."
2. Tina: "The movie Selma is about the America Civil Rights movement that totally worked and now everything's fine."
1. Tina: "George Clooney married Amal Alamuddin this year. Amal is a human rights lawyer who worked on the Enron case, was an advisor to Kofi Annan regarding Syria and was selected for a three-person UN commission investigating rules of war violations in the Gaza strip. So tonight, her husband is getting a lifetime achievement award."