How do celebrities wear such ridiculously short dresses and not show the world their "goodies"? I just don't understand how they can get away with it and be comfortable!
—Nicole, Lanesboro, Massachusetts
Ahoy, whoa. Hold up there, young miss. Comfortable? Comfort? What kind of madcap anarchy language is that? Fashion has nothing to do with feeling good, sweetie. It's about appearing to feel fabulous while secretly wanting to chew off your own feet like a wolf trapped in a pair of metal jaws. (Zanotti shoes actually are pairs of metal jaws. Don't tell Posh.)
In fact, Naomi Campbell probably hasn't been able to feel her legs or feet for at least a decade.
So. Those tiny skirts you're seeing, on leggy skyscrapers like Cameron Diaz and the aforementioned Campbell—as well as Chloe Sevigny, that iron-lipped death mask of fashion—not much of a mystery to wearing those. Not much fun to wearing them, either. You just have your stylist paint one on, affect a fake smile that says, Gee, this is easy, and then attempt to maneuver from Point A to Point B. Very carefully.
"If the skirt happens to be comfortable as well, that's secondary," says Cloutier wardrobe stylist Ricci DeMartino, who has clad Diaz, Lara Flynn Boyle and other thespians cum stilts.
Given that these bazillion-dollar tubes are only 10 to 18 inches in length, movement is pretty limited. "You have to be very strategic about it," DeMartino confirms. When sitting, one must keep one's knobbly knees and concave thighs tightly together. (Insert your own Angelina Jolie joke here.) One must also avoid bending at all costs.
Otherwise, it's Britney getting out of a car all over again.
You might also be worrying about breezes. Don't. Take a look at the black-on-black polka-dot number Diaz sported to an event recently. A blue heron couldn't necessarily fit both its twiggy legs inside of that baby, much less a draft of air.
And certainly, once squeezed inside, whatever does fit in that skirt never, ever escapes again. Until the stylist comes back at the end of the night with a pair of diamond-honed industrial scissors. The skirts. Are. Tight.
"These are so fitted you won't be able to move," DeMartino says comfortingly. "Instead, you just have to worry about keeping it from riding up."