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Do celebrities have any control over which magazines do pieces on them? I've noticed Chad Michael Murray appears on practically every teenybopper magazine cover, while other stars (Jared Padalecki, Tom Welling) do not seem to appear at all. What gives?

By: Judith, Alberta, Canada

A.B. Replies: Publicists do have some leverage over which pieces of brooding, bare-chested eye candy appear in certain publications, but not a ton. In the case of Chad Michael Murray, this B!tch suspects magazines are simply responding to demand. And there's a lot of it.

Starwatchers and trendmeisters will tell you Chad Michael Murray is a must-cover star because he is on a show called One Tree Hill and has had recurring roles on Dawson's Creek and Gilmore Girls, all popular with the tween crowd. These experts might also point out that Murray has costarred in several weapons-grade teen magnets on the big screen, including A Cinderella Story and the 2003 remake of Freaky Friday.

Lastly, these talking heads will inform you that Chad was briefly married to a costar named Sophia Bush. This later point has some merit, because whenever two celebs pair up, the resulting fame is always greater than the sum of its parts.

And, oh, Teen People readers recently named Chad one of their superhottest, like, most favorite stars ever. That puts the actor in the same echelon as Jake Gyllenhaal, Jesse McCartney, Adam Brody and Orlando Bloom.

However, the real secret to Murray's success is his eyes. They have an unsettling power. They seem to brood over every single injustice that has ever plagued this sad, wet ball of a planet, especially in the realm of love. If the Mona Lisa seems to be staring at everyone who looks at her portrait, then Chad, in his photos, seems to be empathizing with every single 14-year-old who thinks the WB headquarters is where good people go when they die.

In absolutely every snapshot--be it in the May issue of Teen People or the September issue of Teen People or the January issue of Teen People--Murray's eyes runneth over with the sorrow he surely carries for all the peoples of the Earth.

Tough pictures of Chad Michael Murray make him look tough and sad. Playful pictures of Chad Michael Murray make him look playful and sad. And all of them they make him look sad for you.

Ergo, those blinkers have turned young Murray into the personal Jesus of millions upon millions of adolescent girls. Through those eyes, Chad whispers unto them, those worshipping girls, as they cry into those pink and blue pillows with the Hawaiian flowers that mom bought them at Pottery Barn Teen.

When their mothers won't take those wailing daughters to see the American Idol Tour--because, mom, like, never had a soul and probably never wanted kids in the first place--Chad can see that injustice. No. He feels it. He understands.

That, and he was married to Sophia Bush.