If you really want to support the United States team in tomorrow's big World Cup game, don't just wear red, white and blue. That's weak. Go above and beyond and boycott the famous food from the country we are playing, damn it!
That is exactly what Waffle House has in mind, because the national restaurant chain for groups of drunk people looking to eat eggs in the middle of the night is calling for a boycott of Belgian waffles, because the U.S. team is playing Belgium tomorrow in the top 16 round of the 2014 World Cup. Also known as the knockout round. Or the "one and done" round. Or the round that nobody though the U.S. would even make it to.
We don't believe in Belgium waffles? Waffle House (@WaffleHouse) June 30, 2014
Now most teams would stick it to their opponents by training hard (lame), playing the game well (gross) or showing good sportsmanship (awful), but the United States is hitting Belgium where it really counts: batter-based breakfast food!
So if you put a Belgian Waffle closer than one inch to your mouth on Tuesday, the Patriotism Police will immediately be alerted and they will come find out. The PP will bust down your door, rappel through your windows and replace those foreign breakfast items with good ol' American pancakes (which are almost definitely not originally American, but whatever). They will be red, white and blue colored and a whipped cream American flag will be on top.
And since this is about being truly American, nine pounds of bacon will be served on the side.