"You were born to be hockey players. Every one of you. And you were meant to be here [on this list]. This is your time." — Coach Herb Brooks in the prestigious 2004 film Miracle.
There are few things we dream of more than finding a hockey player to call our own. They're big, muscular teddy bears who will do anything for their fans. Plus, as athletes, they have great stamina. Yeah, we went there. Thankfully, there are some steamy draft picks this year, and it would be simply wrong of us to deprive you of them.
So here they are, separated by division (if you care about that sort of thing):
Sam Bennett: 4th pick overall to the Calgary Flames. OK, everyone. we'll say it before you comment on it: He's 18. However, that is legal in every state. And just LOOK at how cute he is next to who we presume to be his mother.
Leon Draisaitl: 3rd pick overall to the Edmonton Oilers. That chin! That perfectly coiffed hair. Those eyes, gazing beautifully at the reporter. Plus, being picked so early in the draft is a complete turn on, we won't lie.
Roland McKeown: 50th pick overall to the Los Angeles Kings. Keep staring us down, Roland. UNDRESS US WITH YOUR EYES.
Nick Schmaltz: 20th pick overall to the Chicago Blackhawks. Just look at him standing next to Coach Q like the happiest guy in the world. The guy on his right is all, "Wow, please take pity on me. I will never have eyebrows like Nick."
Julien Nantel: 204th pick overall to the Colorado Avalanche. That peep of tie under his hockey sweater says: "Hey girl, let's get real dressed up after my next game and I'll take you to a beautiful dinner, after which we'll make sweet, sweet love."
Alexander Peters: 75th pick overall to the Dallas Stars. He's calling his mother probably to tell her the good news, while simultaneously turning us into puddles of emotion. "Wise men say only fools rush in, but I can't help falling in love with you." (That's an Elvis Presley lyric.)
Alex Tuch: 18th pick overall to the Minnesota Wild. No one looks good from an upward angle. It's like opening Snapchat, only to find it's set to your front-facing camera. Yet Tuch pulls this pose off beautifully AND manages to have a defined jawline. Teach us your ways.
Kevin Fiala: 11th pick overall to the Nashville Predators. Just look at the way that smile touches his eyes. He's just so genuinely happy, we can't help but feel it too.
Chase De Leo: 99th pick overall to the Winnipeg Jets. What is this, a bronze statue of a man? How are his teeth so white? How did his hair remain so perfect after he pulled his new team sweater over his head? We just don't understand, but we're not mad about it.
Aaron Ekblad: 1st pick overall to the Florida Panthers. TOUCH. MY. BODY. PLEASE HOLD, WE'RE HAVING A MOMENT. First draft pick AND he looks like this?!? The world is NOT a fair place, friends.
Andreas Englund: 40th pick overall to the Ottawa Senators. His hands are almost too strong and manly to handle. Plus, he's 6'3". We rest our case.
Anthony DeAngelo: 19th pick overall to the Tampa Bay Lightning. Bye, cruel world. We're off to chase our dreams of spending every day with Anthony while he's wearing a suit. We cannot handle how well this man can wear a two-piece. He's like the Don Draper of hockey with an adorable butt chin. And probably an adorable butt as well.
Blake Siebenaler: 77th pick overall to the Columbus Blue Jackets. Ugh. That smile.
Connor Chatham: 71st pick overall to the New Jersey Devils. Guy's got some serious flow and we're all about that lighting. Sick, dude.
Michael Dal Colle: 5th overall pick to the New York Islanders. Oooookay, seriously? Michael, how dare you play a sport that could damage your face? How selfish are you?!
Daniel Walcott: 140th pick overall to the New York Rangers. He wears a Rangers sweater better than anyone we've ever seen. And that beautiful, flawless skin? Looks incredible in that red, white and blue. He was born for this.
Nicolas Aube-Kubel: 48th pick overall to the Philadelphia Flyers. Another hottie in that angled lighting? Yes, please. Didn't know it was possible to look that good in orange.
Shane Gersich: 134th pick overall to the Washington Capitals. Just hold us, Shane, against your toned body and gaze at us with your almond eyes. Never leave.
Oh yes, we will be watching next season when the NHL returns.