We refuse to stop talking about Orange Is the New Black, because as soon as we stop talking about it we have to accept the fact that it will be another year before we get season three. So even though it came out about a month ago and we obviously binge-watched it all in a day, we have spent our free time since then thinking about which inmates are our favorite and which are our least fave (Daya you are SO STUPID).
Like we did last year, here is our definitely ranking of the Litchfield inmates:
(If you haven't watched OITNB's second season by now, well, you've had more than enough time. Anyway, we're putting a SPOILER warning here so no one gets mad in the comments.)
19. Dayanara "Daya" Diaz
After ruining Pornstache's life by framing him for rape (which, to be fair, he's a horrible person and made it pretty easy for himself to be frame), Daya's (Dascha Polanco) conscience creeps up on her and she starts getting even more annoying. We still kind of want her and Officer John Bennett to live happily ever after, but HOW IS SHE SO STUPID?!
18. Brook Soso
More like "Brook So So Annoying," amirite? Despite her constant nagging and self-righteousness, Brook (Kimiko Glenn) came around towards the end of the season and actually became someone we could tolerate. Or at the very least, she's the reason we got a Lisa Loeb sing-along
17. Sister Jane Ingalls
Sister Jane (Beth Fowler) reconnected with her revolutionary roots this season and decided to hunger strike, against literally everyone's advice. The big question became: Is she doing this for attention, or does she genuinely care? We don't care. We like her, we just think there are more interesting inmates to watch. Her biggest contribution to the season? She's the reason for the line, "RUN, NUNS! RUN!"
16. Yvonne "Vee" Parker
The character everyone loved to hate (or maybe just hated to hate?), Vee alternated between manipulating Taystee and beefing with Red. Sometimes both at the same time! She's ruthless, cold and conniving. It makes for an interesting character to watch—and Lorraine Toussaint KILLED the role—but in the end, she was a straight sociopath. We like a little good to balance out our bad. Especially when every other character is so complex.
15. Maritza and Flaca
Their definition of "Love" is hysterically and terrifyingly accurate and their bitchy commentary is a welcome reprive from the more serious storylines of the show. Plus, they were a nice substitute BFFship while Taystee and Poussey were on the outs (and with bonus kissing!)
14. Big Boo
Big Boo (Lea DeLaria) hasn't changed at all since season one—she's still her sarcastic, in-your-face self and we love every minute of it—except this time around she turned into an asshole halfway through the season and snitched on Red. Not cool, Boo. Plus, our hearts are calling out for Little Boo, and we don't know if we'll ever get over that loss.
13. Janae Watson
Poor girl is literally always in the SHU. Like, we sometimes forget who she is because she's constantly in solitary confinement. Janae (Vicky Jeudy) doesn't have the most action-packed storyline, but she gets others to open up and we respect her will to survive. Cue Destiny Child's "Survivor."
12. Sophia Burset
Sophia (the fabulous Laverne Cox) is hardly in this season, which is a crime in and of itself. But the episode where she teachers the other girls about their female anatomy was more than enough to remind us why we love her so. Fingers crossed for more Sophia in season three.
11. Alex Vause
We go back and forth about Alex (Laura Prepon) all the time, but this season, she showed her true colors and those colors are horrible. Alex effed Piper over and then didn't even seem to feel that bad about it. She'd place lower except that, after getting a glimpse into their relationship later in the season, we saw that Piper was basically asking for it. Over and over and over again. Plus, we have a girl crush on her.
10. Galina "Red" Reznikov and the Golden Girls
Red (Kate Mulgrew) could make the list on her own, obviously, but we're partial to her with her new group of friends, the Golden Girls (Dale Soules, Patricia Squire, Yvette Freeman and Judith Roberts). They are some seriously bad bitches and they seem like the type of women we'd like to throw a few back with.
9. Black Cindy
Cindy (Adrienne C. Moore) is the realest person in all of Litchfield, that's for sure. It was unfortunate to see how awful she became under Vee's wing, but she made up for it with her flashbacks. Cindy as a TSA agent was pure win.
8. Nicky Nichols
Look no further than to Nicky (Natasha Lyonne) for hysterical one-liners and masterful pickup tactics. She's the most consistent friend too: Her sex contest with Big Boo kept things hilarious (if not a bit creepy), but it was in the moments where she comforted a brokenhearted Morello that warmed our hearts. As Nicky would say, "There's always hope tomorrow will be taco night."
7. Piper Chapman
All right, let's just say it: Between Larry (Jason Biggs) and Alex, Piper (Taylor Schilling) has the worst taste ever. She's naive, self-absorbed and privileged. But in season two, she toughens up—as she herself once said, bitches gotta learn—and starts to finally figure things out. Progress! But if she's going to keep Larry around, or if she and Alex start up their B.S. again now that the latter is heading back to Litchfield, we may need to reevaluate this generous ranking.
6. Tasha "Taystee" Jefferson
Taystee (Danielle Brooks) is the light of our lives and her flashbacks were long overdue. We obviously wish she hadn't spent so much of the season under Vee's evil charms (especially in the latter episodes when it meant she turned on Poussey), but Taystee really can do no wrong in our eyes. Hey, what's a little death threat between friends, right?
5. Tiffany "Pennsatucky" Doggett
Pennsatucky (Taryn Manning) has been a fan favorite since day one and nothing has changed, even if she thumps that Bible a little less now. A few highlights of the season: She gets new teeth (and no one notices); she befriends Big Boo in order to understand the "lesbian agenda"; and she chops off all her hair. For Tucky, we are truly #blessed.
4. Susanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren
We thought Suzanne's storyline—and Uzo Aduba's acting skills—couldn't get any better. We were wrong.
3. Rosa "Miss Rosa" Cisneros
When Rosa (Barbara Rosenblat) befriended a young boy in chemotherapy, we got to know her as more than just the cancer patient in the bottom bunk. And of all the new backstories we got this season (including you, TSA Cindy), Rosa's might be our favorite. A cursed bank robber? Sounds corny, but it worked! Oh, and she ran Vee's ass over with her van. Praise you, Rosa. Praise you.
2. Lorna Morello
We finally (FINALLY) got to meet Morello's (Yael Stone) beloved fiancé, Christopher, this season. And learned that Morello is CRAZY. Like, CRAZY CRAZY. And still, we think she's the sweetest little inmate in Litchfield. Highlight of the season: We love Morello's plot summary of Toy Story, including a "king of the castle" cowboy and an astronaut "taken hostage" by an "evil psychopath."
1. Poussey Washington
The true breakout character of this season, Poussey's (Samira Wiley) backstory is one of the more surprising (and hot and depressing and interesting) of the bunch. The former military brat's history still isn't completely laid out for us and we definitely want to see more. However, for now, we'll settle for an amazing character with a moral compass of steel, unparalleled loyalty and jokes for days.
Honorable Mention of Horribleness:
Larry and Polly
Not inmates, but still THE WORST. Not only can we not stand Larry, but Polly (Maria Dizzia) is a horrible friend and person. They deserved every flaming turd they find on their doorstep. And then some.