Ethan Miller/Getty Images for Caesars EntertainmentHuman Ed Hardy T-shirt Guy Fieri opened a new restaurant in Las Vegas called Guy Fieri's Vegas Kitchen & Bar. Vegas Eater published the menu in its entirety, a menu on which chili and salads somehow appear in the same category and all sandwiches are "Knuckle Sandwiches." So, yeah. Sounds about right.
We've ranked every item, starting with the things we would probably eat and ending with the items we aren't sure are even real food. Just kidding, they're all real food. The end is just food that might kill you.
35. Victor's Street Tacos ($16)
What It Sounds Like: We're not sure who this Victor is, but it sounds like tacos.
What It Actually Is: Grilled chicken tacos.
Is It At All Healthy: The ingredients include onions, cilantro, roasted-red salsa and guacamole.
But, Will It Kill You? No. The salsa is described as "zesty," but we like our tacos with a little spice. We would order these.
34. Triple Doublemint Pie ($11)
What It Sounds Like: A three-layer mint-flavored pie.
What It Actually Is: Mint chocolate chip ice cream with Oreo cookie crust and hot fudge.
Is It At All Healthy: No.
But, Will It Kill You? Not in moderation. And it sounds DELICIOUS.
33. The Ultimate Asian Chicken Wraps ($13)
What It Sounds Like: Asian chicken wraps.
What It Actually Is: Asian chicken wraps (but with "three ways to devour"!)
Is It At All Healthy: Minced chicken, Southeast Asian spring rolls, Thai style skewers.
But, Will It Kill You? No. By Guy Fieri standards, they sound boring. Boring, but edible.
32. S'mores Monte Cristo ($10)
What It Sounds Like: A sort of gourmet s'mores sandwich.
What It Actually Is: Brioche, marshmallow and chocolate, with chocolate and raspberry dipping sauces.
Is It At All Healthy: One of the ingredients is graham cracker butter. Which sounds like something Paula Deen came up with in a dream.
But, Will It Kill You? No. We're still not positive what it is, exactly, but it sounds wonderful.
31. Drunken Fish Tacos ($17)
What It Sounds Like: Fish tacos.
What It Actually Is: Lightly grilled tequila-citrus tilapia tacos with mojo de ajo (garlic sauce).
Is It At All Healthy: The other ingredients are avocado and fresh veggies. By comparison, yes.
But, Will It Kill You? No. Guy Fieri says they are a "slam dunk!" They just sound like fish tacos.
30. Chicken Wonton Takeout Salad ($14)
What It Sounds Like: A Chinese chicken salad.
What It Actually Is: A "one-of-a-kind" salad with Crisp Napa tips, mixed greens, mandarins toasted cashews, ginger vinaigrette, and skewered chicken wontons.
Is It At All Healthy: The salad "has everything but the kitchen sink," but "everything" seems relatively good for you.
But, Will It Kill You? Probably not. One of the ingredients is "the usual suspects," which...we have no idea what that includes, but it's probably not donkey sauce.
29. Carne Asada Street Tacos ($16)
What It Sounds Like: Steak tacos.
What It Actually Is: "Juicy, marinated skirt steak is the MVP of these tacos!" (aka steak tacos)
Is It At All Healthy: Onions, cilantro, roasted red salsa and fresh pico de gallo.
But, Will It Kill You? No.
28. Lava Rock Shrimp Tacos ($17)
What It Sounds Like: Shrimp tacos.
What It Actually Is: "Crispy fried shrimp" tacos.
Is It At All Healthy: Cabbage and cilantro say yes, but fried shrimp and "pink chili mayo for an added kick" say no.
But, Will It Kill You? Probably not. We're always nervous of what Guy Fieri thinks "a kick" is, but we'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume pink chili mayo will not kill you.
27. Righteous Rojo Rings ($12)
What It Sounds Like: Onion rings.
What It Actually Is: Onion rings?
Is It At All Healthy: No, they're onion rings.
But, Will It Kill You? No. And the menu says they're "a little sweet, a little spicy, a whole lot of flavor." Guy Fieri, you had our curiosity, but now you have our attention.
26. Mexican Churros ($10)
What It Sounds Like: Churros.
What It Actually Is: "Freshly fried" churros, with spicy chocolate and dulce de leche dips.
Is It At All Healthy: No.
But, Will It Kill You? No.
25. Morgan's Gnarly Greek Salad ($13)
What It Sounds Like: A Greek salad with some gross twist (add chicken wings?)
What It Actually Is: Your standard Greek salad (romaine, veggies, hummus, feta, parmesan croutons, lemon vinaigrette that will "send you on a tour of the Mediterranean...Toga not included.")
Is It At All Healthy: Sure.
But, Will It Kill You? No. In the end, it is not as "gnarly" as Guy wants you to believe.
24. Sashimi Won-Tacos ($14)
What It Sounds Like: Sashimi tacos.
What It Actually Is: Ahi tacos with wonton taco shells.
Is It At All Healthy: Sashi grade ahi and ango-jicama salsa.
But, Will It Kill You? Guy says they are "Everyone's fave 'cuz they're wicked tasty!" We remain skeptical of the "'wow-sabi' cream."
23. Brutha's Badass Caesar Salad ($15)
What It Sounds Like: A Caesar salad.
What It Actually Is: A Caesar salad "load into a crisp, garlicy mega-crouton." WHAT IS A MEGA-CROUTON?!
Is It At All Healthy: Probably not. It's "Guy's favorite Caesar dressing," which surely can't be good for you, as well as "lots of Parmesan cheese." Plus, a MEGA-CROUTON.
But, Will It Kill You? MAYBE. THERE'S A MEGA-CROUTON (which is our new favorite Marvel superhero).
22. The General's Wings ($15)
What It Sounds Like: Chicken wings.
What It Actually Is: "General Tso's done Guy style, so forget the chopsticks." (General Tso's chicken is like orange chicken, but spicier.)
Is It At All Healthy: Deep fried chicken is not healthy, no.
But, Will It Kill You? Uncertain. The description—"We make these wings a flavorful phenomenon with a sweet + spicy sauce that will make your head spin!"—does not reassure us of our safety.
21. The Guy-talian Deli Salad ($16)
What It Sounds Like: A mixed greens salad with deli meat.
What It Actually Is: Romaine lettuce with Italian meats and cheeses "built...in a crown of prosciutto-wrapped smoked provolone."
Is It At All Healthy: As far as salads go, probably not.
But, Will It Kill You? No.
20. The Big Dipper Sandwich ($17)
What It Sounds Like: A roast beef sandwich.
What It Actually Is: "The mack daddy" of roast beef sandwiches.
Is It At All Healthy: Well, the ingredients are "house-smoked shaved prime-rib," pepper jack cheese, and a toasted garlic torpedo roll. What part of that sounds healthy to you?
But, Will It Kill You? Possibly. That sounds like a lot of sandwich.
19. The Mac + Cheese Bacon Burger ($17)
What It Sounds Like: A cheeseburger topped with bacon and macaroni and cheese.
What It Actually Is: "The burger that crushed its competition in New York City's 2013 burger bash!"
Is It At All Healthy: Crispy bacon is the least of its problems. This burger has "six-cheese mac" and then more "super-melty cheese." That is SO MUCH cheese.
But, Will It Kill You? This might be the last ton of cholesterol that finally closes your arteries. We would order it on a special occasion.
18. Fried Ice Cream Boulder Sundae ($11)
What It Sounds Like: A brownie sundae, perhaps?
What It Actually Is: "A build your own sundae brouhaha featuring a meringue wrapped fried ice cream."
Is It At All Healthy: C'mon, man. They even fried the ice cream.
But, Will It Kill You? It might.
17. Los Nachos Del Jefe ($14)
What It Sounds Like: Nachos.
What It Actually Is: Nachos with corn tortilla chips, black beans, chorizo, cheddar cheese, cotija cheese, red onions, and jalapenos.
Is It At All Healthy: It has corn chips?
But, Will It Kill You? The menu promises Los Nachos are "built to make each nacho the perfect bite!", which is how all nachos should be served, but rarely are. We will withhold judgment until we can conduct the necessary testing.
16. Double Barrel BBQ Wings ($14)
What It Sounds Like: BBQ wings.
What It Actually Is: BBQ wings.
Is It At All Healthy: The wings are "drenched" in bourbon brown sugar BBQ. So, no.
But, Will It Kill You? Depends how many you eat.
15. The Motley Que Sandwich ($17)
What It Sounds Like: No idea.
What It Actually Is: Pulled pork sandwich "straight from Guy's BBQ krew" (KREW, like he's a Kardashian or something), "smothered" in BBQ saw with aged cheddar, pickle chips, and onion straws on an "awesome pretzel" bun.
Is It At All Healthy: No, no, no.
But, Will It Kill You? "Smothered" sounds threatening.
14. Pic-a-Nik Sandwich ($16)
What It Sounds Like: No idea.
What It Actually Is: A turkey sandwich, with Swiss cheese and cranberry relish, on an "awesome pretzel" hoagie. And then "smeared with Guy's famous donkey sauce."
Is It At All Healthy: FIRST SIGHTING OF DONKEY SAUCE. FIRST SIGHTING OF DONKEY SAUCE.
But, Will It Kill You? See above note re: donkey sauce. Also, we would not order this sandwich because the menu says it is "not you're av-er-age turkey sandwich" and we do not eat Yogi Bear-themed food.
13. '67 Cajun Sandwich ($16)
What It Sounds Like: Some sort of Louisiana fish sandwich?
What It Actually Is: Blackened chicken, Andouille sausage, chedder cheese and Louisiana hot sauce.
Is It At All Healthy: One of the menu items is "the creole trinity," which a quick Google search told us is onions, bell peppers, and celery. That is the healthiest part of this dish.
But, Will It Kill You? It "packs a punch!" So if it does, you have been warned.
12. Parmageddon Wings ($13)
What It Sounds Like: No idea.
What It Actually Is: Breaded parmesan wings.
Is It At All Healthy: No.
But, Will It Kill You? It comes with "apocalyptic marinara." It might not just kill you. It might kill everyone.
11. Triple T Fries ($14)
What It Sounds Like: French fries.
What It Actually Is: Truffle fries.
Is It At All Healthy: "Julienned cut fries tossed with black truffle & truffle infused gouda, served with a creamy white truffle dip. Proof that you can't have too much of a good thing."
But, Will It Kill You? Probably. That is too much truffle.
10. Vegas Fries ($12)
What It Sounds Like: Loaded fries.
What It Actually Is: Loaded fries (tossed in spicy buffalo sauce, blue cheese crumble, and Guy's blue-sabi sauce).
Is It At All Healthy: No.
But, Will It Kill You? Honestly, our stomach hurt just reading the description.
9. Guy-talian Fondue Dippers ($13)
What It Sounds Like: Fondue?
What It Actually Is: MEAT FONDUE.
Is It At All Healthy: No, it's pepperoni-wrapped breadstick twists with sausage cheese dip.
But, Will It Kill You? Probably! Eat your meat like a normal human being!
8. The Mayor of Flavortown Burger ($17)
What It Sounds Like: Ugh, who cares. What a stupid name.
What It Actually Is: A "meat blanket of seasoned pastrami," Swiss cheese, slaw, onion straws.
Is It At All Healthy: Did you miss that blanket of meat?
But, Will It Kill You? Probably not, but no one needs to be eating a blanket of meat.
7. Ain't Nothing Butta Chicken Wing...
What It Sounds Like: Chicken wings.
What It Actually Is: Chicken wings "trimmed into 'lollipops.'"
Is It At All Healthy: No. "Off-da-hook wing sauce" doesn't sound like it even belongs in any of the food groups.
But, Will It Kill You? Chicken wing lollipops? Why??
6. The Triple B Burger ($16)
What It Sounds Like: A cheeseburger.
What It Actually Is: "Kicked up with Creole blackened spice & topped with blue cheese, ancho bacon, LTOP + a generous smear of Guy's famous donkey sauce."
Is It At All Healthy: If it comes with donkey sauce, this answer is probably always no.
But, Will It Kill You? The menu says "Go big or go home!" We will go home.
5. Guy's Cheesecake Challenge ($12)
What It Sounds Like: Cheesecake.
What It Actually Is: "A huge mountain of cheesecake topped with potato chips, pretzels + hot fudge."
Is It At All Healthy: Holy s--t.
But, Will It Kill You? It's not even cheesecake, it's a challenge. (And, if we're being completely honest, one we would happily accept.)
4. Tatted-Up Turkey Burger ($16)
What It Sounds Like: A turkey burger.
What It Actually Is: A turkey burger.
Is It At All Healthy: It doesn't sound like the worst thing in the world for you (sure, a nutritionist is never going to suggest you eat two types of cheese, bacon and donkey sauce on one burger, but this is Guy's Las Vegas Kitchen & Bar. Consider your surroundings). That said...
But, Will It Kill You? The menu says it "is a work of art like Guy's tattoos." No thank you, sir.
3. The Off-Da-Hook Original Smash Burger ($16)
What It Sounds Like: We know by now that it's not just a cheeseburger, but we have no idea what he's going to do to it. We're exhausted.
What It Actually Is: Money! (As in, "This burger is money!")
Is It At All Healthy: It's covered in onion rings and BBQ sauce.
But, Will It Kill You? "It'll leave you in a food coma!" That's not even something we're saying, the menu says this meal will put you into a coma.
2. Fireball Whiskey Wings ($14)
What It Sounds Like: Hot wings.
What It Actually Is: "Classic buffalo sauce + fireball whiskey meet to ignite a flavor explosion of epic proportions. Try Guy's blue-sabi sauce to put out the fire!"
Is It At All Healthy: No.
But, Will It Kill You? "These wings are certainly not for the faint of heart & should probably be illegal." This man is serving menu items that even he thinks should be OUTLAWED.
1. Southern Smothered Chili Bowl ($11)
What It Sounds Like: Oh, cool! Chili!
What It Actually Is: "Our low and slow cooking style gives Guy's dragon breath chili vast dimensions of flavor. It's topped with sweet cornbread, sour cream & scallions."
Is It At All Healthy: "Our low and slow cooking style gives Guy's dragon breath chili vast dimensions of flavor. It's topped with sweet cornbread, sour cream & scallions. "
But, Will It Kill You? What the f--k is dragon's breath.