So you've been invited to a Super Bowl party. And you know nothing about football. What do you do? Panic and skip the festivities? Admit you aren't a sporty kind of person and risk getting mocked endlessly from kickoff to the trophy presentation? Cry? No, you have some options here.
You can either fully commit to this non-fan thing and only care about the food served at the party and the commercials (no shame in that), or you can memorize a few choice phrases that will allow you to fake it through the Super Bowl.
Want to sound like you know what you're talking about come Sunday? Here are some talking points to give you just the right amount of knowledge so people will assume you are there for the big game and not for the bacon-wrapped sausages. But in the end, aren't we all just in it for the bacon-wrapped sausages?
1. "Damn it, ref! You suck!"
One thing absolutely guaranteed during the game above anything else is the ref effing something up and pissing everyone off. Blowing a big call, not seeing a huge penalty, motioning the wrong way during an offside call, etc. Yelling this out when other people start bitching about the ref makes it seem like you are also upset by what just happened on the screen. You can also get a little more creative and say something like: "Get off your knees, ref! You're blowing the game!" That phrase is a classic.
2. "That guy felt that tackle way deep down in his soul."
For the times you see one guy hit another guy so hard that you are sure the other guy is dead.
3. "Hit him!"
Because football is all about hitting.
4. "Throw it!"
It's also about throwing.
5. "Run you [blank], run!"
For when your team is running toward the end zone and maybe, just maybe, is headed toward a touchdown. You can mix up this phrase by putting words like "fool" and "bastard" in the middle. Have fun with it!
6. "Richard Sherman is a beast."
Because he is.
7. "Bill Belichick is rocking that baggy, lumpy sweatshirt."
Because he will.
8. "Tom Brady loves Uggs."
Because he does.
9. "Tom Brady sure looks like he has a handle on those balls."
Topical. Relevant. And it can be used when there is a lull in conversation. It's guaranteed to get a laugh 29 percent of the time.
10. "What kind of tackle was that?!"
Seriously, what kind of tackle was that? Was that even legal? Probably not, so keep this phrase handy.
11. "Is that goal regulation size or what?!"
People will chuckle at your Happy Gilmore reference from 900 years ago and you can yell that when a kicker misses the field goal. Or if the team you are rooting against makes a field goal. It still applies.
12. "Psh. Overrated."
Pick a player and when he does something, say that out loud. More than likely, someone will agree with you. And if someone disagrees with you and starts a lively debate, just roll your eyes and say "seriously?" That will either end the argument or that person just might think about his side of things and change his mind. Boom.
13. "They were robbed!"
Someone will probably be screwed over at some point in the game. Also useful if you see someone in the crowd get legitimately robbed of their belongings.
14. Bonus Help: Hand Motions:
• Put your hands straight up in the air with palms facing each other when you team scores a touchdown.
• When the opposing team tries to kick a field goal, start pointing left or right in an effort to telepathically make them miss.
• Slap your palm against another person's palm when you team does something good. That's called a high-five.
• Don't start the wave in the living room. Just no.
Write these tips down, laminate the list and keep it close by on Sunday. Or if that's too much work, just get super drunk and yell whenever anyone else yells. That should do it.
(Originally published on Fri., Jan. 31, 2014 at 11:08 AM PST)