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An Ode to Black Friday: The Big Deals, the Shopping Dangers and the Ultimate Disaster

Black Friday STAN HONDA/AFP/Getty Images

'Twas the night of Thanksgiving, when all through the town,
Every creature was stirring, Black Friday was going down!
The stores were all starting the sales early this time,
"Screw your peaceful family dinner," they said in a rhyme.

The children were freezing and stuffed in to tents,
Camping outside Best Buy with their bargain-hunting parents,
And Ma with her coupons, and Pa with a rant,
"That lady cut us. What if she gets a 50-inch flat screen TV and I can't?"

When over at the mall there arose such a clatter,
The doors had opened and here's what was the matter:
The people started running, quick as a flash,
And acted like animals, all to save some cash.

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Black Friday GIF

They pulled hair and threw elbows, one lady fell in the rush,
I worry she didn't get up and may have been crushed.
Each person trying to score this year's hottest deal,
20, 30, 50 percent offwell that's just a steal!

Two ladies beelined for the clothing sales rack,
I knew in a moment both were willing to attack;
They fought over a sweater and ripped off a sleeve,
Said, "Instead of five dollars, can I get it for three?!" 

Now, Furbies! Now DVDs! Now appliances galore,
On discount! On sale! Get one for free and more!
People ransacked the shelves, as Black Friday shoppers do,
"Go to hell!" they told other customers. "And also, f--k you!"

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Black Friday GIF

One man bought three microwaves, just cause be could,
Hey, they were 10 percent off! He did what he should!
And another lady bought every iPod Wal-Mart had,
They each came with a Wal-Mart gift card, now isn't that rad?!

Then an employee stepped forward and his voice did crack,
As he said, "We found a few more TVs, hidden in the back."
Let me say that employee, he did duck and run for cover,
But people came running and that employee they did smother.

The stores were practically empty, the doorbusters gone,
When a second wave of shoppers descended in throngs.
They won't line up at dawn, they're too good for that crap,
So like vultures they descended to pick up the scraps.

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Black Friday GIF

They searched all the bins for a Black Friday find,
But with everything bought, they were in a real bind.
Then from deep in the store, I heard a joyous shout,
"A copy of Norbit for two bucks? Consider it bought."

Eventually everyone left, broke, battered and nearly dead,
Passing a jolly old man in the parking lot, dressed all in red.
I heard him exclaim, as I drove out of sight:
"Haven't you realized, you can just shop online?"

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