Dr. Feel Bad?

It's Blind Vice Friday, and guess who's choosing druggies over doin' it doggie style? Such hair-brained heathens in Hollywood these days! Plus, whoa, nuptial nellies! Turns out Eddie Murphy's not really married after all, and Anne Heche is wishing like hell she never was! What's a hate-sick couple to do?

With what we began yesterday—the harking that dare not speak its name, i.e. the possible end to Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon—
doomsday declarations are the latest rage, n’est-ce pas? I mean, we did start off the new year with that uncoupling of Sean Penn and the always dour Robin Wright Penn, correct? So, we continue. But first, can I say somethin’ here? I just adored it when Perez Hilton first started ripping movie stars' nasty legal reps new anal openings in his column. Was just too delish to read. Sure could use that kind of rabid-ass pulverizing with some of these current People-sanctioned stories, some which are referred to in this very missive. Just a thought.

• Anne Heche and Coley Laffoon’s divorce is getting nastier and nastier, quelle surprise. Their former mutual amigas say it’s going to get worse—hideously so. Like they don’t care how the hell they’re going to be perceived in the press (they already do?), they’re so friggin’ gonzo for each other’s lily-white throats. Lovely.

Also, just thought I’d mention I’ve played pro poker sessions with both battling babes. Anne, the hon who suddenly found herself upping her off-time ante with Men in Trees costar James Tupper, couldn’t have been a more relaxed card player. Coley, on the other bothered hand, was nervous, curt, constantly on the phone, très tacky in a Texas Hold ‘Em game. Both times the three of us played together, Anne finished far ahead of her cantankerous ex. Now, no doubt Laffoon’s going to get most of the luxe-massage-and-more alimony money he’s currently demanding from his estranged wife, but I think Anne’s gonna come out of this one on cool-cucumber top, where she likes to remain. Ellen stlll can’t stand this Teflon tease, wonder why.

• Eddie Murphy and Tracey Edmonds, as you prolly already know, got married in Bora Bora on New Year's Day. It was the second wedding for both quasi lookers, who had themselves an "intimate sunset ceremony" in which we assume Mel B didn’t make the guest list. But since E ‘n’ T got hitched on an island, like so many celebs do these days—so common, really—it raises an interesting question: Is their marriage even valid when they get back to the U.S.? 

Nope. E 'n' T would have had to have lived on the tropical paradise for a month prior to their ceremony (per Polynesian law) for the union to be legal once the stars are back in the States.

That's why T.E.'s flacker released a statement claiming that her client and her new marriage-happy hubby will have another ceremony once they get back to this country. "A legal ceremony will take place when the couple returns to the U.S. The wedding that took place in Bora Bora was a ceremony to bind Eddie and Tracey spiritually in the presence of family and friends," relayed the mouthpiece.

Other amigas supertight to the newbie couple claim E-poo and T-hon simply didn't have "enough time" to get "real-married" prior to their getting fake-married, what with the balmy nuptial activities being "smack during the holidays." Oh but of course!  No word, as yet, on what kind of ceremony the second one, that is, will be, but suffice it to say Mel B and her new offspring (courtesy the K-Fed-esque Murphy) are not invited.

• Katie Holmes, everyone complains, lost all her spunk and Dawson’s Creek vinegar when she hooked up with Tom Cruise. Uh, no, dearies, that would have been right around the time Chris Klein came into the pic, but that’s so old goss at this point. Has everything to do with loyalty, nothing whatsoever on the dork patrol. See, domesticated Tommy is right in line with Ms. H’s Ohio-bred roots. Like, think that Barney’s shoe-sniffing K.H. does 24/7 is anything new? Hardly.

Back home in a proper Toledo suburb, over the holidays (while not the whole Holmes clan was worshipping at the glittering Cruise Christmas tree), Katie’s mom, Kathy, was getting attention for the only thing she likes her name associated with for press purposes. It’s a rough-and-tumble outfit called the Share and Care Knitters, a group of 26 women who meet once a month throughout the year to knit or sew so that homeless and battered women may have warm things to wear during the winter. Mamacita Holmes is a "master knitter" among her gonzo girlie friends. How fab! Mean it! But look: So many folks think this Stepford-look thang began with Tom. How silly. It’s in the broad’s DNA!

Mena Suvari, steppin’ out with a new dude on New Year's Eve. Mena and her latest man, Simone Sestito, hit the carpet at Kid Rock and Svedka’s bash at the Gansevoort Hotel. Mena, in a sequined dress, debuted a cute new platinum-blond pixie cut, while her beau was sporting a close buzz cut. Guess the couple that shears together, stays together. And if you believe that, you also probably remember who the inspiration for Raging Bull was, as in…

Jake LaMotta, who was dining with a fiftysomething woman while he was wearing "way too much makeup and looked like a bad '80s aerobics instructor," snips our snitty source. For the festive occasion, Jake donned a cowboy hat, which he left on as he chowed down on veal parm at Il Vagabondo, InWhySee. Our onlooker said the former boxer was also "drinking a lot." I would, too, with those threads. Seen without his woman back in the City of Fallen Figures was…

Alexis Denisof, heading into Bed, Bath and Beyond. The Angel actor (and hub-unit to Alyson Hannigan) was spotted on the escalator of the Olympic Boulevard location of the linens store with an older guy. Alex-babe was wearing a gray tee and jeans, with some scruff action going on. "He looked hotter than expected," sassed our spy-witness. Well, that’s a nice change…People usually report stars are shorter, not sexier, than expected!

A very famous movie star by the name of Sally Sedate Me chooses the safest kind of sex imaginable: a boyfriend who prefers to date boys, not girls. Works like a charm every time! Wonder why Jamie Lynn Spears didn't think of this one? Think you know who the hardly horny honey is? Well, take your best shots, doll-faces and read on, by all means! Get the Blind Vice!