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If it's not one of Anne Heche's myriad exes blowing the gossipy leaves off our limbs, it's you ranting readers—all bristly blowhards, every last one of ya—who are giving the Awful Truth a par-tick stormy stirring today!
Ellen DeGeneres

Lori Conn/ZUMApress.com

Oh, before we get to Grammys (tomorrow) this 'n' grumpy that (reader mail, today), thought you might like to know that—according to mucho well-placed peeps—Ellen DeGeneres was never much into her ex's show, Men in Trees. You know, that offering from fickle paramour picker Anne Heche.

Well, things change.

"Get me that whole season on DVD, now!" Ms. D. is said to have uttered, shortly after all that off-camera partner exchanging took place on the ABC series.
Men In Trees, Anne Heche

ABC/Jeff Petry

"Now that Anne's switched Coley [Laffoon] for James [Tupper]," whispered a chum superclose to the gal-lovin' gal, "Ellen's totally into watching the show."

Oh, I know how Ellen feels. I had the exact same dynamic working somewhere between my noggin and my crotch when I went to see Brokeback Mountain. Was dying to see how much real-life, way-out lovin' there was to soak up 'n' salivate over.

Between Heath Ledger and Michelle Williams, course.

Poopy P.S.: Oh, and for the official record, when I rang up Ms. D.'s exquisitely coiffed flicker for comment, I was told, cryptically, "Ellen has never seen [Men in Trees]." When I pressed to find out if, indeed, Ellen had nevertheless made an order for back segments, I was again told, "Ellen has never seen the show." Waiting for a rainy night with Portia to watch those old episodes, E.?

 

Elizabeth Hasselbeck

Brian Ach/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
Is Traceless Turncoat The View's Elizabeth Hasselbeck?
  C.J.

Dear Wrong Gaze:
Nah, Liz looks far too good minus makeup to be Traceless, trust.

Rachel Weisz

Nancy Kaszerman/ZUMApress.com

Dear Ted:
I am loving your girl-power call to action regarding Rachel Weisz's potential Mummy reprise. That woman deserves to be bringing in the big bucks with the critical acclaim she would be bringing to the film. (The Constant Gardener—hello?) The best Brendan Fraser has to offer is Blast from the Past. Down with misogyny! Love the gray, btw.
  Christy
  Pittsburgh

Dear Equal Opportunity Reader:
Couldn't agree more, doll. Rach outshines Brendan-babe any day of the week (certainly right now). Here's to more gals on top of the guys—in credits and everywhere.

Dear Ted:
Any dish from your visit to the General Hospital set? There's a lot of rumors about that set—diva behavior from actors like Steve Burton, the disrespect to veteran actors and the coldhearted goings-on with Prince Charming himself, Stuart Damon.
 
Kelly
 
Philadelphia

Dear Doctor Snoop:
Hon, all was swell on the set, save Luke kept blowing his lines, which helped me feel so much better when it took me 263 years to get my scenes' blockings down. Give me backstage impromptu any day. (Oh, and my episode airs Feb. 21.)

Winona Ryder

John Scuilli/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I just saw you on Winona Ryder: The E! True Hollywood Story. Your skin looks especially great! Anyway, I, too, have been obsessed with Toothy Tile and have been trying to fine-tune my gaydar. Some thoughts: Oprah—gay? As for Toothy, dare I say the obvious—Brad Pitt? He's way friendly with George Clooney (who I'd bet a million is gay).
  Cheryl
  Cape Cod, Massachusetts

Dear Nosy in New England:
Thanks for the complexion compliment, but you can't bum-lick your way to the top, dollface! (Not in Awfulville, at least.) As far as I know, Toothy Tile's still very much in the closet. Give it time. Brad is—so I hear—straight as a stick. Who wouldn't wanna be, with a gal like Angelina? As for Clooney and Oprah, I suppose the Toothy test of time will tell, but ya know Oprah's denied she's that way, and George, well George lives for turning up in bed with guys on the Oscars, right? Wonder why?

Isaiah Washington

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
I am annoyed by Cupcake from Manhattan, who wrote to you about remarks that Isaiah Washington made on Oprah's show last year. If Cupcake watches the show again, then he will see it is Ellen Pompeo who says it would be "too much like real life." I.W. is wrong for his other remark on the set, but let's not perpetuate another story that is not true.
  T.L.
  Fairfield, California

Dear Not-So-Sweet Tooth:
Excellent catch on Ellen actually uttering said phrase, my friend. Whippin' up tasty tidbits for this yawn-worthy mess is not the answer, but it does happen to the best of us from time to time. My apologies.

Dear Ted:
Cristina is a Taurus and Liza is a Gemini. So, what is your sign, Teddy?
  Mary
  Allen, Michigan

Dear Superbitchious:
You mean you couldn't tell that I'm a sassy Scorpio? And my stinger requires no drugs to perform, mind you.

Dear Ted:
Just read a fascinating article in today's New York Times science section, in which a psychiatrist maintains that if you're inherently mean, no amount of therapy will change you. That's why I think Michael Richards and Isaiah Washington going to therapy for their "issues" is a crock. These men are like the same guys who used to beat up kids on the playground—they just have longer legs. How 'bout just labeling these guys as the bad dudes they are and blackballing 'em in the Industry?
  Rachel
  New York City

Dear Doubtful:
Hey now, some people do change...just look at Naomi Campbell. The gal hasn't thrown a mobile device in days! Snaps for second chances.

Jeremy Piven

Lisa O'Connor/ZUMA Press

Dear Ted:
Here's my guess: Rusty Busty from One Homo Helping Hand Blind Vice is Jeremy Piven. Would you really tell if someone guessed right?!
  Kelly
  Alexandria, Virginia

Dear Curious:
Nope on Piven, but certainly close, pro-gig-wise. Less hirsute, a tad younger. And, yep, sometimes I do take pity and answer Blind Vices. So, here's my commitment from heaven: more Blind reveals in '07!

Tom Cruise

AP Photo/Gregorio Borgia

Dear Ted:
Why is Tom Cruise always dressed in suits now? I miss the black tee and the leather jacket.
  Marcia
  São Paulo, Brazil

Dear Cruise Snooze:
I've got the feelin' Tom-babe's trying desperately hard to sharpen up his image and be taken a little more seriously. Eff that. We miss his bad-boy days. Break out the Ray-Bans and undies!

Sheryl Crow

Paul Fenton/ZUMAPress.com

Dear Ted:
Is Sheryl Crow the angel of breakup deaths? She seems to be photographed with any woman who has undergone a bad breakup lately!
  Liz
  Kansas City, Missouri

Dear Soak Up the Single:
Hey, heartbroken honeys gotta stick together, right? And Sheryl knows a thing or two about bustin' up with bad boys...Look at her and Lance! I think it's sweet that she offers up her toned triceps for gals like Jen A. to cry on.

Dear Ted:
Is Bubble-Butt Bub the former 007, Pierce Brosnan?
  Sam
  Portland, Oregon

Dear Double-Oh-No:
Incorrect, darling! Pierce ain't a dirty dawg like B.B.B.—least not that this gossip knows of. Keely, got anything to comment here, babe?

Brandon Davis

Chris Weeks/WireImage.com

Dear Ted:
I love your column, but please, no more Brandon Davis "news." He had his 15 minutes of fame when dating Mischa Barton. He looks like a young bloated Elvis impersonator with cash but no class.
  Amelia
  Sydney, Australia

Dear Jackaroo:
Promise to try and cut back on my greaseball coverage. Shall we discuss Mischa's latest ex, Cisco Adler, and his saggy sack instead? Can't blame M.B. for dumping him. I wouldn't want anything to do with those nasty nether regions either!

Lindsay Lohan

Andrew Shawaf/pacificcoastnews.com

Dear Ted:
Lindsay Lohan is a selfish little twit. She may not be serious about getting sober, but some at AA are and should keep her away. She is making a joke of it. Hey, Linds, can you say Whitney Houston? 'Cause that's where you're headed!
  Annemarie
  New York City

Dear Loathing Lohan:
Linds is a hot mess right now, damn straight, but we can't blame it all on the little girl lost. I mean, look at Dina and Michael. The deliriously dysfunctional apple doesn't fall far from the tree now, does it?