Alec Baldwin and wife Hilaria welcomed daughter Carmen Gabriela today in New York and, having forged the path, Ireland Baldwin has already provided her new baby sister with a very detailed road map for growing up as a privileged kid with famous (and famously volatile) parents.
"You will eventually make your own decisions, but hopefully you will listen to and use the knowledge I have gained from my past experiences and from the results of my many mistakes," the 17-year-old model wrote in a welcome note for Carmen, posted on the teen's Tumblr.
Acknowledging that she was providing "simply the most complicated of lists," Alec's daughter with ex-wife Kim Basinger launched into the tailor-made life lessons, noting that she hoped by the time Carmen was reading the letter, they would "be best friends, sitting in some rad coffee shop in Brooklyn, talking about bands and how...Channing Tatum used to be hot. Maybe cars will be hovering and s--t."
Ireland tackled everything from body image and peer pressure to homework and boys, but she kicked off with a doozy.
"Remember that your parents will always love you," she wrote. "As a kid, you forget that sometimes. When they are screaming about this and bickering about that. It hurts. Grown ups yell. I don't know why, but they do. No matter what your mom or Dad says or does, simply remember that they love the s--t out of you. NEVER forget it."
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And when it comes to fighting, "WALK AWAY," she advised. "Especially with your parents. I have said many things to our Dad and to my mom that I regret terribly. I have hurt their feelings countless times. It isn't worth it. Don't dish s--tty things right back at them. Don't say things out of anger. You will get extremely annoyed with your parents. TRUST ME. Parents are cray cray and sometimes you want to just put a muzzle on it. BUT they don't make muzzles for parents and again, it just isn't worth it. Just say you're sorry and leave it at that."
Ireland was famously the target of her father's temper during a particularly rough time between him and Basinger, when he left a voicemail calling his then 11-year-old daughter a "rude, thoughtless little pig"—and the tape was subsequently leaked online.
The new big sister warns Carmen that she "grew up way too fast" and advises her to enjoy her childhood and teenage years. Ireland, promising to always be her gym buddy, also tells her little sis to "enjoy your pizza parties and your Starbucks" and not obsess about her outward appearance.
"Just remember, the happiest girl in the room is the prettiest girl. By projecting your inner beauty, you will shine," Ireland writes.
She also advises her sis on drugs and alcohol: "Don't be that girl that get's wasted at parties and crawls on bathroom floors. It ain't cute. Luckily, I've never there, but I have gotten too drunk. Usually I would just pet people like farm animals and turn into a lesbotron and try to kiss a bunch of girls."
Ireland warns her never to smoke weed at a party, but "somewhere safe. With people you trust." And if a guy is pressuring her about sex, "If you don't want to do it, say no. I'll probably be parked in a minivan outside of your parties with binoculars….So no funny business."
One less thing for Papa Baldwin to worry about, at least.
So, Carmen Gabriela has a lot of reading to do when she comes of age. In fact, she can probably skip The Catcher in the Rye now.
But it's very obvious that Ireland wants nothing but the best for the newest addition to the family and if she can at all help Carmen avoid some of the pitfalls that she herself encountered...she's gonna try. Baby Baldwin's doting big sis signed off with this:
"I love you, Carmen. You have been born into one crazy family. You are both lucky and cursed at the same time. We are going to have so fun much fun together. I can't wait to meet you soon. I promise you I will always be there for you no matter what! Never forget!"
"Welcome to the world, Carmen! I'm a f--king sister!" Ireland tweetedafter Hilaria announced the birth, to which he step-mom replied, "@IrelandBBaldwin she is lucky to have you as a big sister! xo."
Alec hasn't written any of his own tweets since temporarily shutting down his account following a run-in with a Daily Mail reporter—but he retweeted Hilaria's birth announcement and the link to Ireland's letter.