Candy Crush Saga is in the news today, not because it is the iPhone app equivalent of crack cocaine, but because The Wall Street Journal claims the game's creator, King, is meeting with bankers in the hopes of going public.
If you've never played Candy Crush before (Warning: think long and hard about the quality of your life before you make the choice to start Crushing. One turn and you will become an addict), the game is basically Bejeweled meets Candy Land meets heroin.
And it's also the most infuriating game in the entire world. Our reasons are six-fold:
1. Having to Wait for More Lives: Once you burn through all five lives, you have two choices: (1) Wait half an hour for a single new life, or (2) ask your friends/family/that-one kid-from-middle-school-you-hadn't-thought-about-in-years to give you lives via Facebook. Great, now you're either jonesing to play for hours or you're a begger. Why do you have this power over us, Candy Crush?!
2. Losing With One Jelly Left: You just cleared the last jelly...but then there's no Sugar Rush to celebrate? What's going on?! Wait, is that a jelly down in the corner? How did you miss that? Oh no. There's no candies nearby you can use to clear it. And you only have two moves left. Enjoy playing the level again (and probably again. And again).
3. Losing Because You Didn't Get Enough Points: Even more infuriating than losing with one jelly left is clearing all the jelly...and still losing because you didn't score enough points. Or getting all the ingredients to the bottom and still not even earning one star. How did I not even earn one star?! I beat the level!!!
4. It's a Tie! Candy Bombs and Licorice Swirls: Which is worse? You frantically scramble to clear the candy bombs as they slowly count down to your demise...3...2...1...You fail! Meanwhile, those damn licorice swirls absorb all the power of striped candies and giant candies, making them effectively useless, effectively just wasting all of your time and energy.
5. When You Waste a Color Bomb: You finally got enough candies lined up to make a sprinkled cookie (or whatever you want to call it), but you're not going to use it yet. You're going to play smart and save it until you really need it. And then a series of unforunately events accidentally sets off a striped candy or wrapped candy and takes our your color bomb too, leaving you feeling, "fkadlsfjklasdjkfjlkasdjlkfasd."
666. Chocolate: The devil's number. The devil's candy.
No matter how hard you try to contain it, the chocolate will getcha.
But there is a bright side to Candy Crush raising your blood pressure and effectively cutting off five to 10 years of your life. Sure, in the moment you may want to scream at a senior citizen, kick a puppy or burn your home to the ground, but there's no greater feeling than bonding with another Candy Crusher over how insane the game makes you.
See you at the Sugar Rush, bitches!