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Glee Season Premiere Recap: The New Rachel Is...

Glee, Cast Mike Yarish/FOX

Welcome to season four, Gleeks! And the award for the best Glee debut of the episode goes to...

Kate Hudson's body. Yowza. Color us murderously jealous of those abs. But in all seriousness, Glee kicked off its fourth season with a well-paced, heartwarming and entertaining episode, which is pretty much all we want from this show. And we loved it. Let's talk about what went down in "The New Rachel," yes?

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WHAT WE LEARNED:

Blaine Is the New Rachel: After a "Call Me Maybe" battle between Wade/Unique (Alex Newell), Blaine (Darren Criss), Tina (Jenna Ushkowitz) and Brittany (Heather Morris), Artie (Kevin McHale) decided that Blaine was the new Rachel, or the new lead soloist. Good choice, Artie. We also found out that Brittany is struggling with her long-distance relationship with Santana (Naya Rivera) because her girlfriend is always busy with cheerleading practice and it's "hard to scissor a webcam."

Glee, Lea Michele Adam Rose/FOX

Rachel Hates New York: She hasn't heard from Finn (whom she referred to as her boyfriend, by the by) in two months, and her dance teacher Cassandra July (Hudson) is coming down on her harder than Taylor Swift  comes down on ex-boyfriends via songs. Safe to say that Rachel (Lea Michele) is not living the New York life she always dreamed of. She does manage to prove she belongs there with a solo in the "Round Room," which is run by Carmen Tibideaux (Whoopi Goldberg). The other bright spot in Rachel's New York is befriending Brody (Dean Geyer), a fellow NYADA student who's totally hot and totally gets her. We know Finchel is endgame, but c'mon, Rachel and Brody are pretty cute together, wouldn't you say? He tells her to find out who she is without Finn, in New York, as a new Rachel. By the end of the episode, she vows to prove Cassandra wrong, while Cassandra vows to crush her spirit. Sounds like Rachel could use a friend right now. Oh, wait...

Kurt Left Lima for New York: Kurt (Chris Colfer) didn't get into NYADA, but he did get the next best thing: a job at the Lima Bean! OK, that's not the next best thing at all, which means Kurt is miserable and "stuck," as his boyfriend Blaine so kindly put it. Someone who put it not-so-kindly was Sue (Jane Lynch) who made Kurt see just how badly he needed to get the hell out of Ohio by bashing his hesitation to leave the halls of McKinley. During this exchange, we also met Sue's new baby girl Robin and new head cheerleader Kitty (Becca Tobin), who is, as expected, evil, bitchy and blond. After an inspirational song from his boyfriend, Kurt was dropped off at the airport by his dad Burt (Mike O'Malley), who continues to be the most perfect TV dad in history. The goodbye was so sweet and moving that something wet kept falling out of our eyes during their entire scene. We think it was tears. And then it happened again when Rachel and Kurt met up in New York, too! Glee, you make us feel so many feelings. 

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New Directions Was Popular for a Hot Minute: Because they were National Champions, the glee club started out the school year super popular. Seriously! Tina has an assistant, Sam is doing Taylor Lautner impressions for an adoring crown, and Artie is high-fiving someone in a letterman's jacket. It was crazy. They were even sitting with the jocks during lunch, which is when they started mocking the new lunch lady. A woman who actually has a daughter at the school, Marley (Melissa Benoist). Marley tries out for New Directions and blows them away, but after she hears the glee club once again calling the lunch lady names, she yells at them to stop making fun of her mom and she doesn't want to be in a glee club with people who act like that. New Directions gets their act together and apologizes, winning back Marley but losing their popular status. Slushies flew, and order was restored at McKinley High.

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Glee, Matthew Morrison, Melissa Benoist Mike Yarish/FOX

Sparks flew between Sam and Marley because they both have experience with coming from less than well-off families, but we can also see Marley and Jake (Jacob Artist) getting together, too. Who is Jake? Why, that's Puck's half-brother that nobody knew about who also auditioned for New Directions. They loved his audition, but Will (Matthew Morrison) hated his attitude, and after some heart-to-heart man talk, offered him a spot if he changed his ways. Jake turned him down, insisting he didn't need his help, but based on the way Jake was longingly watching New Directions perform "Chasing Pavements" at the end of the episode, he'll be back in no time.

ONE-LINERS:

"You ever look at a map? Ohio is like a giant turd that Michigan just can't pinch off."—Cassandra July

"Oh, and in case you were wondering, which you were, I'm straight."—Brody

"Kitty is my new head bitch. She's like a young Quinn Fabray, except she's not pregnant, manic depressive or in and out of a wheelchair."—Sue

"I had a song in my heart, Blaine Warbler, and you killed it. Now I have a dead song in my heart, and pretty soon the corpse of my dead heart song is going to start to smell."—Brittany

What did you think of Glee's premiere? Head on down to the comments and let's welcome back Glee with some good-natured debate and discussion!

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