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Honey Boo Boo Recap: Farewell to Glitzy, the Best "Gay Pageant Pig" Ever!

Honey Boo Boo, TLC TLC

The Thompsons (aka the Boo Boos) seem tired this week. While usually they're spouting redneck one-liners left and right and delighting in pig poop, this week there's just a bit of joy missing in their producer-assembled adventures.

Maybe someone forgot to put the Go in their Go-Go juice?

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Christmas in July Doesn't Work: Things feel dismal immediately as the family swears at one another while setting up their yard for "Christmas in July." The event, they explain, is for charity, because they're on TV and people on TV tend to like charity. Inflatable Santas, inflatable snow globes, inflatable everything! The only person who is actually excited by the setup is Alana, who wishes she could live inside the snow globe and likes to imagine that one of the Santas is "her big brother."

Before the big event, we get a sneak peek at Sugar Bear dressing up in his Santa outfit. Mama demands to see his man boobs, and he responds by chortling "Ho Ho Ho" in something called "stomach talk," which is how we will refer to the family's tendency to speak through their protruding belly buttons. The scene winds down after Mama discovers toenails in the bed.

Once it's time to sit on Santa's lap, we learn that Alana wants an iPhone, a Nintendo DSi and an iPad for Christmas. You better redneckognize that she's not going to fall behind when it comes to modern technology! 

At the end of Christmas in July, Sugar Bear reports that about 12 kids sat on his lap. He points to a small box containing approximately 10 cans of food. Now that's a charity victory.

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One House Can Only Contain So Many Little Piggies: The show plunges further into depression and heartbreak as we learn that the family is giving away Alana's pig, Glitzy. Maybe putting a crown on the pig and declaring it gay upset the gay community? We'll never know why.

It's clear that Alana has deeply bonded with the squeal machine as she sobs, "The thing I love about Glitzy is that she loves me." 

It's hard not to feel sympathy for her. The pig probably didn't just love her ironically, either.

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You Don't Get the Name "Crazy Tony" by Not Getting Run Over by Your Mud-Racing Car: To add the smallest bit of excitement to this episode, the producers sniffed out the family's friend "Crazy Tony."  Tony visits and does something called "deer hanger," where you take teenage girls and hang them upside down by their feet. Then they visit a mud pool and everyone gets dirty, even pageant girl Alana.

Child Labor Still Unpleasant: Things turn even more sour as soon-to-be-teen-mom Anna starts to have contractions after only 34 weeks of pregnancy.  "She's hurting my biscuit and I gotta pee," she moans. The show ends as Mama rides with her to the hospital in an ambulance.

A dollar makes us holler? We don't even know anymore. Let's go drown in cheesy poofs.

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ONE-LINERS

"Sometimes it's hard remembering my moves 'cause it gets stuck in my brain." —Alana on why dancing is hard

"Like totally, OMG, what is a door-nut, Alana?" —Alana, still never answering what exactly a door-nut is

"Eeee eeee eee" —Alana's belly making pig noises

"That's a lot of weight." —Crazy Tony after dragging Mama into the mud

"That Santa Claus outfit smelled like a chain-smoking goat." —Sugar Bear

"Alana still believes in Santa Clause, and I will keep it that way until...otherwise." —Mama's strong stance on Santa

"Come here, Mama Claus, come sit on my lap" —Sugar Bear to Mama

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