Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Breaking Dawn, Jennifer Lawrence, Josh Hutcherson, Hunger Games

Summit Entertainment; Lionsgate

Dear Ted:
Are we allowed to vent here about the sham this year with the MTV Movie Awards? Since when do they take a movie that came out in 2012 and put it up against movies that were out in 2011? Then they change the voting! Do they think people are stupid and can't see what is going on? Who ever did this stunt to push The Hunger Games will be sorry in the end. Let's face it, Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart have more right to be on those lists than anyone with their work in Breaking Dawn. Who ever wins this year should hang their heads because they would only win due to the sham MTV pulled off. MTV should have let the Twilight fans have their closure the honest way—not taken away from them through backdoor deals.

Dear Conspiracy Theory:
Backdoor deals? Sham? What, are you writing a Hollywood detective novel or something? First, Rob and Kristen have absolutely nothing to complain about—it might as well have been changed to the MTV Robsten Awards for the past few years, for heaven's sake. Second, there are always obscure date details determining film qualifications for awards shows—it happens every year with the Oscars, what's the damn crime with it happening over at MTV? None, to answer my own question. Get over it!

Dear Ted:
Cheers to you...I've been addicted to you and your site for years! Am I crazy or isn't the obvious choice for Ana Kristen Stewart? Isn't Ana based on Bella? Could you throw in James Franco as Christian, too! Drool! Love ya!
—Mommy who loves her "Mommy Porn"

Dear Out of Her X-Rated Mind:
Hey, mom, thanks so much for the sweet compliments, but you're nuts to think Franco has the heat these days to pull off the super sexy, solidly seductive Christian Grey! Maybe if Grey's character were a stoner who talks about sex more than he actually has it. Also nuttier in a completely different way is the notion of Kristen as Ana. Of course, she should play her—since she is, after all, the inspiration, as you noted—but, the idea that Kristen's A-List management team would let the girl's A-List career be touched by an orgasm-filled horny fest that got its start as fan fiction is colossally off base. Kristen would sooner play Debbie Reynolds in Lindsay Lohan's new Lifetime Elizabeth Taylor biopic.

Dear Ted:
Quick question: What do you think of all the movies being filmed up here in Alaska? Too far from civilization for most actors? I have been reading the Awful Truth for 15 years now, and still I thought you'd lost it with the whole Lindsay Lohan-Liz Taylor thing. Then I stopped and actually thought about it. As usual, you're right. Liz, who I adore, was a trainwreck in her own way. Linds just started younger and her image has suffered more due to the Internet. If Lindsay can pull herself together, she can do this. My rescue kittyboys send their love as well.

Dear Palin Country:
Love Alaska! So gorgeous and most people don't know it, so naturally I love all the flicks happening up there, don't you? Besides, Alaska needs all the re-identifying it can get after that woman. And thanks for the Liz-Lindsay accolades. The point to remember is that Elizabeth Taylor was an enormously polarizing figure in her heyday and it's hardly inappropriate to have an equally divisive star play her now. Think ratings, too.

Dear Ted:
Ok, I am so onboard with Ian Somerhalder and his smoldering eyes and looks as the part of Christian Grey, so how about his real life love Nina Dobrev as Ana? They have so much chemistry on the screen and in real life, I think this would be my perfect fantasy couple for Christian and Ana!

Dear Too Close to Home:
Sorry, but, I really do think projects that birth couples (True Blood, Mr & Mrs. Smith, etc.) are so much better than the ones dreamed up after they've already become a couple (Scooby-Doo, Gigli). In the future, Ian and Nina should work separately, that way they're assured a future.

Dear Ted:
I love the idea of Colin Farrell in A Star is Born. It seems like he was everywhere for a while and then kind of faded away. Why is that? Does he have a Vice and is it something that would make people not want to work with him?

Dear Don't Be Silly:
Colin cleaned up his act from a long time ago, nobody's worried about that anymore (everybody goes to rehab these days!). Also, don't forget many actors' careers are cyclical and Colin will be back, gorgeous, hotter than ever, trust me. Besides, he's not doing too shabbily now: He's involved in several A-List projects.

Dear Ted:
After 15 years of absolute loyalty and unconditional love, my 15-year-old dog went to sleep for the last time yesterday. No matter the pain of her loss, I could never regret walking in that shelter and having her steal my heart at first sight. And I know, although right now I could never fathom the thought of replacing her, that I will be opening my home for another lost soul fated for an unnecessary early and cruel death. I have no H'wood question or B.V. guess but simply wanted to encourage your readers to adopt; Your adopted new family member understands what you have done, and returns your love tenfold. Or maybe one request: Send Ryan Gosling my way to heal my broken heart?

Dear Darling:
I am so sorry for your loss, please accept my deepest condolences. Just remember the love you gave your pooch and what a gift that was to you both. Sorry, not even dreamy Ryan G. gives love on that level.

Dear Ted:
By the time The Hunger Games trilogy got hot I was way done with young-adult literature, but you liked it so I read it (loved it, by the way). Now I want to share with you. Discovery of Witches by Deborah Harkness. Adult book about adult witches and vampires (not enough sex but i am hoping for some in the next installment). I am hoping you will read it and help me find the perfect Matthew. Pretty please for a non-Mormon living in Utah?

Dear Discovery:
Ok, I'll read it, since you said the magic word (which was not sex but non-Mormon).

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