If you couldn't catch all the highlights from tonight's episode of Jersey Shore, that's what our recaps are for.
Another handy resource? Twitter. Vinny pretty much explained how the show got started in a perfect way.
"5 MIN TILL A BRAND NEW JERSEY SHORE ON
@MTV ON THE EAST COAST!! YOU GET TO SEE ROGER PUT DUDE TO SLEEP!!!" (Can you feel the excitement?!)
And for you sweet, innocent souls, Roger did not sing a lullaby (that's a weird mental picture), he knocked out the random guy that wouldn't stop bothering JWoww from the end of last week's show.
After that display of testosterone, we were treated to the sound of Jionni throwing up in the bathroom—which annoyed Snooki because she wanted to "get it in" (but you already knew that).
JWoww went through a similar situation, but instead of puking, Roger was too busy eating Mike's chicken salad sandwiches when he was supposed to be spooning and smushing with his girl upstairs.
In an attempt to do something new and exciting, Deena and Sammi persuaded the group to go to the Dock for some fishing…and crabbing.
"I never thought I'd be excited about catching crabs," Sitch confessed.
Keep your comments to yourselves. We are.
Vinny managed to catch a (tiny, but still impressive) fish, while Jenni seemed to be the expert in catching crabs. (Stop it!)
Deena and Snooks had the brilliant idea to take a "boat"—actually an inflatable raft—out into the ocean so they could "row and fish" at the same time, and we learned that if there was ever a battle between wind and Dee, the wind would win.
Once the meatballs finally got into the water, it was like a bad horror movie. The duo couldn't paddle correctly to save their lives and ended up floating underneath the dock. Ronnie and Mike tried to help them, but instead took the air out of the raft and, well, there are no words.
(Note: Yelling "sharp" could easily be mistaken as "shark." Don't do it).
It wouldn't be a normal episode without Mike interrogating Snooki on her relationship with Jionni, and tonight was no exception.
Snooki admitted that she wants to marry Jionni (shocker), and Sitch thought it was necessary to give his two cents, saying, "I think he's a nice kid. I just don't think he's established as a man yet, you know what I mean, to take care of you. That's all."
In sexy news, Snooki lost a bet to Sitch which meant she had to wear Lola, aka the bunny costume, out to Karma for 10 minutes. Vinny thought it was actually pretty hot. And we're pretty sure he was the only one.
The "hunter and gatherer of the house when it comes to ladies" (Mike) met a fine young woman who straight off the bat said, "I'm a DTF girl." Winner! And she had friends. Yay for Pauly D and Vin.
Later that evening, Snooks confessed that she kinda wants to "break a law or two tonight." So she and Dee hop the fence and go to the beach, which they consider makes them "legit criminals."
Uh-oh, "it's the friggin' cops." And the best part? The officer called out, "Nicole." It's like she's BFF with the authorities!
Aw moment of the night: Snooks showed her compassionate side when she went searching for a mini motor bike that Ron said wanted (while he continued to try to cure his hangover at the bar). Then, surprise! She showed up and told her roomie that she bought it for him. How cute is that?!
Pauly D's "stalker"—who showed up at the Shore Store when he wasn't working—showed up again, but this time, he was there. And Jenni was over it. She called her over and asked her what the deal was and what was in that bag she always carried.
Even that was true, it's still creepy. But JWoww was convinced the blanket was wrapping either Pauly's hair or a chainsaw.
For everyone that's still rooting for a Snooki and Vinny romance, you'll enjoy this: The duo go out on the boardwalk together, and no, they don't do anything nasty, but they do dance around and pretend like they're 90 years old. That might be worse, because it's just so cute!
"If Jionni wasn't in the equation, I'd hook up with Vinny. Obviously."
Is this a sign of something to come?