AP Photo/Kevork Djansezian; Joseph Connolly/Getty ImagesDear Ted:
I have been a fan of your column for over a decade. I have loved the goss and the B.V.s. I have written to you and been published in the column. Unfortunately, I am writing to say that I am going to have to bow out of reading it now. I wish I could get past the political bashing, but it's starting to take over. While I am a Republican, I am a gay-loving, pro-choice, barely making any money Republican who believes in lower taxes (yes, even for the rich because I don't believe in redistribution of wealth), less gov't spending and definitely less regulation in both life (hence pro-gay marriage) and in business. I know it's not so black and white anymore with both parties being disasters, but I do respect that you want to write your column the way you feel it should be written. So I have to say goodbye. Thanks for the good times. P.S. Congrats on your marriage. Wish I had a hottie like you do.
—Elizabeth, San Francisco
Dear Bye-Bye Baby:
Maybe we should have a candidate like you running for the Repubs, that'd be a nice change up from typical Sarah dude they always seem to come up with. Will miss ya much! Come back to say hey once in a while, 'K?
Dear Ted:
It annoys me to hell that you insult Jennifer Garner's choice of dress. Since you've never been pregnant let me fill you in on something: Jennifer is getting bigger, carrying more weight, constantly tired and chasing a toddler. Comfort is the key word in pregnancy. Give the girl a break—that she came out and supported a cause is a miracle. Most women in her position would be in sweatpants and lying down when ever they can grab a moment. Please back off.
—momofsjo
Dear Mama Makeover:
Pregnancy never stopped Gwen Stefani—or hell, even Ashlee Simpson-Wentz—from staying stylish or dressing appropriately for an event. Which J.G. didn't do. But I get your point, and I appreciate it mucho.
Dear Ted:
We get it, Jen Garner sucks. Onto more important things...Toothy Tile! Could you please run down the "And it's not..." list for me. After all this time, I am getting hazy on the Un-Toothy Tiles. My guess for T2...Matthew Broderick.
—Jen, Iowa
Dear Too Much Toothy:
Toothy's much sneakier than lame-ass Broderick. As for the list, check out the Internet. I do believe someone out there's been keeping track.
Dear Ted:
Please, please be more vocal about the horror of electing Sarah Palin.
—Janice, Toronto
Dear Pissy Palin:
Whatever you say, doll-cup!
Dear Ted:
I hope you keep at the Sarah Palin issue for the sake of our future. I couldn't believe that anyone with a brain would support her until I had lunch with an educated, articulate woman who gushed over how "sweet and fresh" she is. I was going to point out that these are qualities you look for in a toilet-bowl cleaner, not a potential president, but why bother? It's truly frightening.
—77bridge
Dear Scared Straight:
You'd be surprised how many people are falling for this Tina Fey twin. The chick's got charisma, dammit.
Dear Ted:
I'm with ya on this Palin person. And not to perpetuate this ridiculous "lipstick" brouhaha, she's just George W. in lipstick and heels. Gawd, what an image that is!
—Ken
Dear Georgia W.:
Thanks in advance for my nightmares tonight.
Dear Ted:
What has happened to Nicole Kidman? If this new epic movie doesn't prove to be a hit, isn't Hollywood just about through with the former Mrs. Cruise? And let's not even get started with her self-exploited personal life. Was she just lucky for a period of time?
—Tara, Iowa
Dear Luck Be a Lady:
Depends what you mean by "lucky." She was and wasn't while married to Tom.
Dear Ted:
Dude, you seriously need to sic your kitty on your IT guys at E!. All of the message boards, especially yours, are impossible. It's always cutting off parts of posts (way within the required letter limit), not letting us post at all, logging us out and resetting, putting posts on the wrong boards...Where's the fun of postin' and bitchin' if the machinery doesn't work? Slap 'em!
—mjstar921
Dear Wiz Kid:
Noted. The tech stuff hurts my bitchass brain.
Dear Ted:
Love the Morning Piss—great waking up to you and your witty wit.
—Amflem
Dear Golden Shower:
Just something to get rid of those ayem blues.
Dear Ted:
Is Toothy Tile Viggo Mortensen? You mentioned Lord of the Rings in one of your responses about a Toothy Tile guess.
—Cheryl
Dear Connection Failed:
Not the Lord of the Homo we're looking for dear, sorry. Think younger, less real-life brawny.
Dear Ted:
usuck
—supermanredblue
Dear D-Bag:
Good one.
Dear Ted:
Why is Angie hiding? I know there's more to it than taking care of the twins...Please spill it.
—Vanessa
Dear MIAnge:
I think the superwoman is realizing she can't handle six kids, a career, exacting interior decorating, Jen's Voodoo doll and Brad in the bedroom alone.
Dear Ted:
Margo—feel better soon, sweetie! Trust me, you won't miss that horrible experience attacking your body and your social life every few weeks!
—Lynn, Conn.
Dear Time of the Month:
Margo, my dachshund-Chihuahua rescue, appreciates your words of woof encouragement.
Dear Ted:
Love the new format—Monday mornings not so much, the yellow hurts my eyes. Toothy Tile has to be Matthew McConaughey. He has that "trying too hard" macho vibe. And the baby mama was a pragmatic career move.
—Groutless in Toronto
Dear Macho, Macho Matt:
Matt's more Hickville than Gayville, sorry. But at least he's not Toothy, I'll say that much.
Dear Ted:
Regarding your Jen Garner piece, ever since that Gary Busey fiasco I thought there was something bitchy about that girl. Wasn't surprised she acted not up to standard. I mean, we all have jobs, and to get a paycheck we have to be nice to people we wouldn't be friends with in real life. Why should she be any different? She sure gets (over) paid for it! BTW, Ted, I hated your new layout at first, but it's growing on me. Is Colin Farrell any of your B.V.s?
—Monika, Chicago
Dear Right and Right:
Mr. Farrell has been the victim of one of our more family twister Blind Vice's.
—Additional sense and sass by Becky Bain and Taryn Ryder