Proving that he just can't help himself, Charlie Sheen was in the finest of forms this morning while chatting with the titular host of the ever-sporty Dan Patrick radio show, where the conversation ran the gamut from his problems with the Two and a Half Men production, to his problems with drugs, to his current girlfriend (yep, he has one!), to why beer drunks are the worst in the world.
Yep, it was one of those interviews. Now, let's work through this thing together…
First up, Sheen says that he's ready, willing and most importantly able to return to the set of his CBS hit, but that it's the producers who have been dragging their feet to allow him more recovery time. (They may have a point.)
"I went back to work and was banging on the stage door, 'Hello, where is everybody?' I don't know what happened, I guess they're closed," he explained.
"Nobody told me. I just figured, you know, supposed to be back at work, they told me to get ready…We're on forced hiatus, they said, 'You get ready, and we'll get ready,' and I got ready and went back, nobody's there. I don't know what to tell you. Nobody's there."
And, as Patrick pointed out, it's not as if they could start production on One and a Half Men.
"No, and that was clearly revealed when they had to bring me back this year," Sheen said. "I'm here and I'm ready, they're not. Bring it."
As for when he's actually due back on set…"August of 2014 at this pace."
Oh, yeah. When the gang reconvenes (on the 28th of this month, incidentally), it won't be awkward at all.
"I'm a man of my word, I have a contract. They said get your act together and I did, and…I think maybe it's a timing thing, they didn't think it was going to happen this fast."
"I heal really quickly, but I also unravel really quickly, so get me right now, guys," he said. "Get. Me. Right. Now." Well, that's an assurance if ever we heard one.
And in case you were wondering, no, Sheen is not concerned with the potential fallout among his Men cohorts. And at least as of the first commercial break of his two-segment interview, he had not heard from any PR flacks. At least, not that he knew of.
"My cell actually exploded. It actually exploded. Caught fire. I put it out quickly. I think they were trying to get a hold of me, but thanks to AT&T, they couldn't. No, I haven't heard yet, but I guarantee there's a firestorm a coming…Anytime I give an interview, they hold their breath."
Of course, it wasn't just all work chat. Sheen also discussed his Valentine's Day plans. He didn't disclose what, exactly, he would be doing, but did reveal that there was a certain someone—not plural! Hooray for progress!—with whom he would be celebrating.
"Me and my girlfriend, who will remain nameless—let's not turn her life upside down," he said.
Without finishing his train of thought, the fast-talking, focus-challenged actor then moved on to his other recent headline-grabbing endeavor, that of preeminent pep talk giver for the UCLA baseball team.
Turns out, Sheen once made a "nice donation" to the school and was extended the offer to come down whenever he felt like it. So he did, and was asked by the coach to deliver a speech.
So what was his plan?
"Make it quick and then just run. And then I realized what props I was holding—a bottle of chocolate milk, rumors that I've had a problem with, you know, crack. It just came out of me. It was like poetry."
And about that take-home message for the kids…
"I said stay away from the crack. Which I think is good advice. Unless you can manage it socially. Because if you can manage it socially, go for it, but not a lot of people can, you know."
Oh, we know. And Sheen clearly does, too, because he said that, for a while, that was his M.O.
"Yeah, yeah, but that kind of blew up in my face. Like an exploding crack pipe."
Now, however, Sheen says that he's "100 percent" clean.
"I feel great, man. I feel great. I am here and ready. I'm actually hungry." Rather than just some bizarre non sequitur, the hunger, Sheen noted, is something of a new feeling for him these days.
"You get into a little bit, I don't want to say redundant pattern, but it gets very…redundant."
In fact, Sheen went on to blame "boredom" as the root cause of all his problems.
"The only thing that makes me want to party is when my brain says, 'It's on.' Usually at the wrong time…It tends to do with boredom. It's never been about, everyone else is drinking, I should too. It's about wanting to make things better, whether it's real or imagined."
Best of luck with that. And since the rest of the interview was all over the board, here are the best bits:
On whether his Two and a Half Men contract has a morality clause: "Yeah, yeah, blah blah, nitpick nitpick. But I don't think it covers, let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life."
On why he doesn't believe in Alcoholics Anonymous: "I don't say 'sober.' I'm not in AA, I don't believe in it…It's inauthentic, it's not who I am."
On the worst kind of drunk: "Incidentally, beer drunks, worst in the world. At least you know what you're getting with a vodka drunk. [I've done my research] clearly. In the field."
On what he thought of Wall Street 2: Money Never Sleeps: "It was interesting. I think they waited too long…Let's not completely embarrass it, you know."
On why he has yet to visit the new Yankee Stadium: "Dude, did you see what happened the last time I was in New York?"
On why Charlie Sheen is a quality hang: "We gotta hang out in person, man. This is like, you're getting like the G-rated version. I got stories that would change the way you look at the world."
On how he's doing: "Here's the good news right now: I'm just enjoying every moment. We'll just sail across the winds of the universe, man. We'll just take it moment by moment."
On why you won't see him on a primetime special anytime soon: "[The networks] want to do, like, the big interview…like, 'What was it like?' I don't remember. They want to do the big Charlie Sheen story, who is this guy? At the end of it, they'll be able to answer that question less."
We know how they feel.