What is it worth to hear Steve Carell shouting your name while in the throes of simulated passion?
Thousands of dollars, apparently, with the added benefit of knowing that such frippery was going to a good cause thanks to Comedy Central's Night of Too Many Stars: An Overbooked Concert for Autism Education.
Jon Stewart presided over the not-always-hilarious yet consistently entertaining two-and-a half-hour special, taped in part a few weeks ago at New York's Beacon Theater and finished off tonight in L.A. Though as far as comedy went, the Rick Sanchez-baiting Daily Show host was just the tip of the iceberg.
Which begs the question: Can you ever really have too many stars?
Of course, all intentions were on the up-and-up, but with a bawdy Comedy Central twist.
One woman paid $20,000 to have Chris Rock call up and cuss out the ex who dumped her via Facebook ("I hope al-Qaida gets on a f--king truck, straps on some dynamite and f--king blows your d--k off" ) while two women—one of them being Naomi Watts—forked over $10,000 for the privilege of having Steve Carell simulate an orgasm using their names while holding their hands ("a ménage à trois experience," Stewart billed it).
Who says charity isn't a two-way street?!
Those making a premium donation tonight, for instance, were treated to copies of the 2011 Tina Fey swimsuit calendar—except for December, which is just Fey's face superimposed on Justin Bieber's body.
"Where it should be," she deadpanned.
"It's better to give than to receive—especially in prison," quipped Ricky Gervais, who was also kind enough to remind us of the pitfalls of charity (i.e. the time he gave friends a top-of-the-line coffee maker and they bought a goat for an African family in his name).
George Clooney, who you can always count on when there's a cause to be spoken for, has already endeared himself to so many with his self-deprecating humor, there was nothing left for him to do but actually mar his effortless good looks with prosthetics.
In L.A., where he's gearing up to launch Conan next month, Conan O'Brien met with the woman who bid the most to have the opportunity to learn how to be the infamous Masturbating Bear.
David Letterman made a rare non-Late Show appearance to berate Stewart for winning so many Emmys—then handed him four more and told him to "get out of the business."
Rock also made for a charming duet with a curly wig-wearing Tracy Morgan on "Scarborough Fair"—until Paul Simon interrupted to offer his two cents.
"He's all up in my head now!" Morgan growled.
Clooney, Tom Hanks, Amy Ryan, Betty White, Bryan Cranston, Jim Parsons, Zach Galifianakis (though he seemed to be talking into a banana), David Spade, Olivia Munn, Will Forte (wearing only nude Spanx after he and Munn showed up in the same dress), Andy Richter, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Chalke, Lauren Graham, Peter Krause, Jason Alexander, Larry David, Capt. "Sully" Sullenberger, the "Most Interesting Man in the World" from the Dos Equis commercials and many other familiar voices took turns working the phone banks.
If you missed the chance to have Rock bring you relationship closure, you can go to ComedyCentral.com to bid on tangible items, such as a First Response pregnancy test signed by Silverman, a canned ham boasting Letterman's John Hancock and a poster touting the Oct. 30 March to Keep Fear Alive signed by the fearmonger himself, Stephen Colbert.
FYI: By the end of the Thursday's show, $3,276,164.50 had come in via phone and text.