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    Bitch-Back! Here Comes the Bride, Tabloid Style

    Reese Witherspoon, Jim Toth Fame Pictures

    Dear Ted:
    You quoted Us Weekly (wait, really?) saying that Reese Witherspoon's BF had "a very private proposal planned." Very private indeed—details on the cover! Please tell me that's what she wants, rather than having their romantic moment all to herself. Also, the writers at Us are mocking their readers, right? Or do they think irony means "sort of like iron"?
    —Agusta

    Dear Witherspoon Fed:
    Reese's rep only deigned to tell People the couple is not currently engaged. Obviously, Camp Witherspoon knows that Reese is going to officially become engaged: Us knows it, People knows it—we all know it. The point is, Us wants to get their Reese wedding stuff on sooner than later, People's going to wait until it's fed to them intravenously by a publicist in a Prada lab coat and we here at the A.T.—well, quite frankly—wake us when it's all over. The way that woman treated Jake Gyllenhaal leaves us not exactly anxious for info on the next dude stupid enough to hook up with her. Is that iron-y, Agusta?

    Dear Ted:
    Hard not to notice that Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene have been spotted and photographed all over Baton Rouge, La. How is it that Robert Pattinson's managed to stay so hidden? And any chance we'll see him and Kristen Stewart out with Jashley? Or are they a bit too cool for that crowd?
    —Anna

    TWITTER: Follow @theawfultruth

    Dear Baton Rouge Roundup:
    First of all, babe, didn't we decide the official couple nickname was Gronas? It works so much better. Second, Robsten's managed to stay low-key because they like it that way. Though with the way they've been playing with the papz lately, I wouldn't be too surprised if the foursome double dated.

    Dear Ted:
    I was wondering if Shia LaBeouf's Vice might have contributed to his relationship woes?
    —P

    Dear LaBye-Bye:
    Definitely.

    Dear Ted:
    Are Blake Lively and Leighton Meester friends off the set? We never see them together except in Gossip Girls pictures.
    —Nikki

    Dear XXXO:
    They're friendly. More professional than anything, though.

    Dear Ted:
    I think I've emailed you over a dozen times, but you never post my email in a Bitch-Back. Even my dog Snoopy is not happy. Though, it's hard to stay mad at you. Anyway my question is: Are the rumors true that Beyoncé is pregnant? Has she been a Blind Vice? Has Jay-Z? I get an odd feeling from them.
    —Snoopy's Mom

    Dear Baby Queen B:
    No baby onboard yet—or so they say. Total bummer, too. Still say that would be the best baby ever. Could you imagine how fierce B would be as a mama? Dressing her little one in mini leotards and teaching her the "Single Ladies" choreography.

    Dear Ted:
    I'm confused. I read your comments about the K.Stew interview where she is asked about "Krisbians" and I got something totally different from that interview. As a matter of fact, I felt bad for her because I think she was thinking of the unfortunate fact that some haters call her that as a derogatory name. But there is a whole other way to use it to describe the fan base of females who affectionately have girl crushes (gay or straight) on Kristen. Otherwise, I doubt her "brother" would care or at least she wouldn't admit publicly that he minds girls crushing on Kristen. I hope someone let's her know what the fans were actually referring to when they asked the question. And come on, Ted, you don't have to be a Robsten junkie to see she was being sarcastic: Brother = Rob.
    —W

    Dear Paranoid:
    Kristen definitely knew which way the interviewer meant it, which is those babes who think K.Stew is a total babe. Don't worry that her feelings were hurt. And if she meant Rob, well, Rob wouldn't care about something like that. Krisbians 4 eva!

    Dear Ted:
    I have a question about when you tell us whether or not a celeb has had a Blind Vice or not. Are you including the old ones, before you started giving them nicknames? This makes a difference to those of us trying to figure out which nickname belongs to who. Because if they have a nickname, they can't be given a new one. But if they have had a Blind Vice without a nickname, would they be classified as not having a B.V., since they don't have a nickname? Thanks for any insight!
    —C.L.

    Dear Viced Out:
    Every Vice star only has one name, babe. Simple as that. The only exception to this would be a star whose previous Vice was disclosed, such as Pat Poisonpuss, who was revealed to be the fabulously fierce Lea Michele from Glee. This now, of course, leaves Ms. M. free to be rechristened with a new Vice name for any future fun.

    Dear Ted:
    I haven't guessed in a while any of the B.V.s so I am going for Keanu Reeves as Judas Jack-Off and Sharon Stone as Maribeth Bush, because she showed everyone hers in the film Basic Instinct. Also, Elisabetta Canalis isn't as bad as you guys make her out to be. She's actually a nice person. She's popular in Italy for more than her calendars, too.
    —Lily

    Dear Roaming Free:
    You may need to get your Vice radar checked, Lil, 'cause you're way off on both counts. Well, closer on M.B. (but think younger!). No hard feelings to Elisabetta here...lucky gal.

    Dear Ted:
    Last night at our Humane Society we helped a rescued mother cat give birth to six beautiful kittens, and since we were reading your page all night during the birth we decided to name them after you! So there are: Ted, Casablanca, Humphrey, Bogart, Ingrid and Bergman, with homage to my favorite movie included. Ted and Casablanca are the two standout kittens of the group. They are warm and healthy now and I'd love to thank you for bringing attention to all animals needing rescuing. OK, here's a question for you. I read that Prince William is due to marry finally in June or July. Are royal Vices harder to uncover? Are there any Vices he could hide behind their castle walls?
    —Kimberly

    Dear Furry Delivery:
    Wow, thanks for the feline tribute! I'm truly honored. Can I see a pic of my namesakes? Would love that. As much as I'd love to tell you the dish on the royal prince, thing is, you've asked about the wrong one.

    Dear Ted:
    I agree that the majority of gay jokes aren't funny. What I don't get though is how Vince Vaughn's new movie using the word gay is any different than Katy Perry's song "You're So Gay." She presents a totally stereotypical perception of gay people and uses it in a negative way.
    —Sasha

    Dear Gay Gay Gay:
    You're right, Sash, which is why K.P. got as much crap for that song back in the day. Not saying either of them were ill-willed, but hopefully she's learned from it, just as Vince has the opportunity to fix the sitch he's in.

    Dear Ted:
    Has Bristol Palin got any shocking dirt on her?
    —Moo

    Dear Palin Problems:
    You do know she had a baby with Levi Johnston? 'Cause after that, Camp Palin is making sure that the teenage abstinence advocate remains squeaky clean...at least in the press. Dancing With the Scandal won't be a show B.P. will be starring on.

    Dear Ted:
    Are you 100 percent sure that Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki have been one of your B.V.s?
    —Mary

    Dear Uh:
    Yeah. 100 percent.

    Dear Ted:
    You know I love you, Ted, but this whole crackdown on gay bullying has gone too far. Bullying has been around and will be around forever. My 11-year-old Caucasian son plays soccer with a bunch of Hispanic boys. They call him names all the time. They say practice sucks because of him. It bothers him, but it gives us the opportunity to talk to him about human nature, why people do the things they do, and so on. Suicide is sad, but I daresay that if a young person commits suicide over bullying, there are far deeper problems. Look within their families. I have known two teenagers that killed themselves and they were not gay, but let's just say their family lives were partly to blame. My rescue border collie agrees...
    —Jenny

    Dear Missing the Point:
    So your solution is not to have any efforts to help those kids contemplating suicide, gay or straight? Just because that's the way it is? First, no thanks. Second, gay kids are made fun of more so than straight ones, and it's time to do something—not nothing—about it. Get real.

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