I haven't been this frustrated with Survivor since Lill's return to Pearl Islands. What is wrong with this Nicaragua cast and their collective suck?
With Tyrone's ouster, we lost a strong player, an interesting personality and an expert eyebrow cocker. Meanwhile, Nasty NaOnka and useless Dan remain to not entertain us in the slightest.
Blindside? What Blindside? Tyrone might have been surprised, but the only person blindsided at Tribal Council was Jeff Probst himself, who told me in Nicaragua, "I don't think Jimmy T. or Jimmy J. or Marty or Tyrone or Jill are going anywhere." God love him, he also believed the Medallion of Power and the tribal age divisions were good ideas. They corrected those mistakes, so how about returning the two Jimmys and Tyrone to the game? We'll happily trade in Dan, NaOnka and your pick of the young litter.
True Colors: The babes in the woods are wearing fluorescent swimsuits (their underwear were exiled long before the MoP), but the elder tribe has the most colorful characters—and their numbers are dwindling rapidly. Even fiery NaOnka is now a sniveling mess. "You just have to be mentally prepared," she told me cockily before go time. "If you're not in it, if you already checked out, you're outta the game." We wish.
Late Checkout: Alas, Nay's good high spirits seemed to be restored by Chase's poignant rainbow story (which would've moved me to tears if he'd shared it with anyone but NaOnka), but Dan checked out of this game long ago. Correction: He never checked in. The self-proclaimed "cocky New Yorker" seemed more interested in getting lucky than playing the game when he told me, "There are some very pretty girls on the show this year—very pretty...I've already picked out the [ladies] I want." Ew. Why is Dan still here?
WHO WILL GET VOTED OFF NEXT
In a perfect world, I could vote off the entire Espada tribe—Yve, Benry, Holly, Alina, Chase, Dan and NaOnka—who are collectively more boring than white rice. The previews tease that Dan is finally packing for Brooklyn, but we won't be fooled again. Charismatic characters Marty or Jane will probably be sacrificed next. (Along with the chickens.)