Bitch-Back! Just How Crafty Is Miranda Kerr?

Readers wonder about Orlando Bloom’s baby mama

Dear Ted:
What is it with the media cooing about Miranda Kerr's pregnancy and no one mentioning that its quite obvious she pulled the oldest trick in the book. Seriously, all it takes is an attention span longer than a goldfish, first grade math and a calendar. Can no one in Hollywood do simple math? You still give them two years? I think Orlando Bloom could have done way better than some underwear model, don't you agree?
—Penguin

Dear Jaded:
Don't tell me you don't believe in true love? Shame on you! Give Orlando—who's simply adorable, onscreen and off—a bit more credit. Now, as far as Miranda goes, can't really vouch for the dame.

Dear Ted:
First of all, I want to say I've never been more of a Robsten lover than now. Coming back from holidays (Internetless holidays!) and finding out about the Robsten kissing scene at Montreal was the best that happened to me in some time. As you said, we celebrate it, haters can suck it! But now, I would like to ask you what you think, Ashley Greene would be better with Jackson Rathbone or Kellan Lutz? Or maybe...Joe Jonas?
—Nikki

Dear Greener Pastures:
Jackson, of course! Team Awful is totally for Jackley (our fave Twilight twosome, after Robsten, of course). While Ash and Kell would certainly be a cute couple, they're strictly BFFs, and Kellan is getting serious with his hottie GF, AnnaLynne McCord. As for Joe, well, that's along the same lines...though, they seem to want you to think otherwise.

Dear Ted:
Regarding Toothy Tile and Baby Tile, can you give me a little dirt on the surrogate he used. Was she a friend/relative of his or his partner's or a random choice? Is she still in Baby Tile's life? I'm fairly certain on Toothy's identity and this piece of the puzzle would clench it for me!
—SarahTV

Dear Baby Mama Drama:
Ah, Baby Tile, one of my fave Blind Vice sagas! And such an adorable story if you think about it. Don't you just wish Toothy and Grey Goose didn't have to keep their little one a secret? As for the surrogate, suffice it to say, it was a business transaction, in so many ways.

Dear Ted:
Please help! I am stuck on Bernadine Couch-Butt, her pig of a director and the ultimate survivor. For the life of me, what do any of these three people have to do with Blake Lively! Please give us a hint, your Blind Vices are addicting, and at times vice-inducing. In a very good way.
—Rita

Dear Blaking It to the Top:
Great hair, all around? Or, you know, Bernie and "The Ultimate Survivor" are both young and way hot in Hollywood, with a sometimes sexy reputation, a lot like Miss Lively.

Dear Ted:
Would you say our friend Pepper Harthman is at the beginning, middle or end of his career? That would certainly effect how much damage this info could do!
—Sports Nut

Dear Playing With Balls:
Middle, of course. He's one of the hottest sports stars to hit the field these days. But then again, if this plays out anything like Tiger's scandal, it could be the end of his career, too.

Dear Ted:
That is totally not what you said about "Makdrews." I sent you an email ranting about how fake they were, and you replied they were "wild in the eyes" for each other. Just being buck fuddies doesn't make someone "wild in the eyes," Ted. Also, as a side note, R.Pattz and K.Stew are not kissing. Stop stirring the pot. You can see the background and light between their heads! Kristen's head is turned away from Rob's! The photo may not be clear, but what's going on is. Honestly, are they paying you to keep the Twi-hards wet and hard? I'm starting to wonder.
—R

Dear Pent Up Frustration:
Well, someone needs to get bucked. Erin and Maksim were wild in the eyes for each other, and yes, you can be very passionate without a formal commitment. Also, you're one of those Nonstens, huh? Living in that much denial cannot be good for you, babe. But I'll bite—what would a young, hot couple be doing with their faces pressed together if not smooching? Practicing CPR standing up? You haters crack me up!

Dear Ted:
I was watching Teen Choice Awards and I was wondering what Paul Wesley's deal is? Nina and Ian always look so happy, and he looks like he is miserable or smelling something gross. What's going on with him?
—Danelle

Dear Not So Vamptastic:
You'd be a sourpuss, too, if you were getting the least amount of attention on your show.

Dear Ted:
Regarding Nicole Kidman. As a solo offender, has she only been the subject of one B.V. or is she the only Vicer mentioned in any of her B.V.s?
—SusieQ 

Dear In the Nic of Time:
She's got her own Vice moniker and a vault of not exactly glowing antics. In fact, Nic is so notorious in the Blind Vice world, I think she deserves a place in the Blind Vice Superstars gallery—along with some other folks, of course. Check back later this week!

Dear Ted:
Regarding your Rachel McAdams wonderings on her appeal, there is an absolute reason why people are attracted to her: honest kindness. Not the saccharine kind that Emmy Rossum dispenses, even if she means it to be honest, it just comes out fake. And not the backhanded kind that Kidman throws at you. Forget about the viciousness of Jolie. Rachel however, you know is honestly a nice person, attractive and quite talented on top of that. Of course you feel it, that she would put you in your place if you are being naughty, in a kind jokey but firm way, and would stay absolutely cool about everything. Does that make sense? Plus, she is Canadian.
—Rita

Dear Canadian Hospitality:
You can be nice and succeed in Hollywood? Can't be!

Dear Ted:
On a scale of 1 to 10, how dramatic is the set of True Blood? And how many of the characters are Vices/Vice-worthy? The cast can't be entirely innocent since there is a lot of sex in the show and they seem very comfortable doing it!
—D0li

Dear Bloody Truth:
Dramatic? Like a four. Vice-worthy? Maybe an eight, minimum. But hey, just because that sexy crew is comfortable sexing each other up on the show doesn't mean they're bumping uglies behind the scenes. They're actors, after all.

Dear Ted:
I just watched The Runaways DVD for the umpteenth time (Kristen is amazing), and it got me to thinking that Joan Jett would make a badass American Idol judge.
—Tina

Dear Cherry Bombed:
Great thinking, T, but the A.I. judges already met their rocking quota with Steven Tyler. That's not to say Joan wouldn't be a nice change of pace, seeing as the gal knows her way around the music industry and has no qualms telling people exactly what she thinks.

Dear Ted:
I've been wondering what my favorite little B.V.ers have been up to? Of course, I am referring to Me-Me Dallas and Tobey Yum-Yum.
—S

Dear Horny and Hormonal:
Would you believe me if I told you Tobey was causing just as much sexy trouble as Me-Me these days? Just not with each other, unfortunately. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Dear Ted:
Everybody seems all of a sudden up in arms against Jen Aniston. I do understand that any publicity might be good publicity for her movie, but following the uproar on her uttering the word retarded , I am starting to think that Angie has a hand in this. Is she trying to pull a Reese...Or has Reese been pulling an Angie all these years? Not demeaning any physical or psychological illnesses, but come on people, lighten up! Can't make fun of yourself anymore without insulting someone else: Let people belittle themselves if they chose to...Oh no, have I offended the "height-challenged" groups?
—C

Dear Jenny from the Block:
Sorry to pooh-pooh your conspiracy theory, but while there is certainly still bad blood between Jen and Ange, they're both pretty much over each other—mostly. Angie doesn't exactly feel the need to mess with Miss Aniston anymore, though I'm sure she's not disappointed by all the media backlash Jen is getting (so lame, don't you think)? And obviously Miss Aniston put her foot in her mouth with those comments. Kind of surprised her camp has dished out an apology yet.

Dear Ted:
I have recently become obsessed with True Blood! That show is so scandalous and dirty. But there's also some really great acting in it, like Deborah Ann Woll, Rutina Wesley and Nelsan Ellis. What's the dirt on them? Are they as scandalous as their characters on TV?
—Hooked on V

Dear Ensemble Escapades:
Please, those three aren't even causing a peep in terms of goss on that set. But how much do you love Jessica? Totally becoming one of my fave vamps on the show (after Pam, of course). Good to see Tara kicking a little more ass this season too.

Dear Ted:
I find it rather funny that we've waited so very long for "the million dollar" pic of Robsten and it just happens to come out when Kristen is filming a flick with a very hot costar. Something tells me Rob isn't too keen when the shoe's on the other foot. Coincidence or not?
—Me

Dear On the Rebound:
Please, while Garret Hedlund may be oh-so-sexy, Rob knows where he stands with K.Stew. Plus, TomStu is besties with Rob; I'm sure he'd let R.Pattz know if something was up. Which, of course, it isn't. Finally, please remember: Ultimately, they just don't care.

Dear Ted:
I'm all for Robsten, True Blood is a favorite, I'm rooting for Niley to return, double-love your devotion to the animals, and I can go on and on. My one problem: Too much underwear poofing in your B.B.s. I don't want those images in my head. Please, discourage your readers even more than you have (because I recognize that you haven't exactly promoted it) from talking about their disappearing unmentionables. Make a PSA if you've got to. If it helps, my two dogs and kitty are begging you as well. Please, Ted, because I love the Awful Truth, put an end to the mention of this panty poofing (just typing those two words makes me cringe).
—CC

Dear Panty Protest:
Meanwhile you reuse the offensive term twice in your complaint. Sure you're not just a closet panty poofer? Don't be ashamed!