Because my job is to field reader queries and get you the answers, I've gathered, in one definitive column, the 20 Biggest Unanswered Questions of the Past Two Decades. You'd think that, between the Intertubes and Oprah, we'd know everything we ever wanted to know about celebrities by now.
You'd think wrong. The Hollywood spin machine is as alive as it ever was, and there are mysteries that we just can't solve—on the record, anyway.
Is your question on the list? Here we go:
1. Did O.J. Simpson do it? By "it," we mean, of course, did he really kill his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend Ron Goldman? One jury said yes, the other no. Which I think totally means yes.
2. Without the Edward Cullen factor, would Robert Pattinson still be hot?
3. Is Lady Gaga a man? The whole rumor started with that Glastonbury festival video that seemed to indicate a bit of a man package. Gaga's manager has denied that Gaga is anything but a lady. But the singer has had a—pardon the pun—ball with the rumor, even going so far as to refer to it in her "Telephone" video. But fans haven't seen everything yet, so the rumor persists.
4. Is Tom Cruise gay? Is Queen Latifah gay? Is Eminem a lesbian? Does this shirt make me look gay? As if I could even get through this list without acknowledging this type of question. There. I've acknowledged it.
5. How old is Catherine Zeta-Jones, really?
6. What happened to Nicole Kidman's forehead? Johnny Weir could do a quadruple lutz on that thing, but if Kidman has Botoxed her forehead into its ice-rink-smooth state, she has denied it.
7. Was David Carradine the target of kung fu assassins? That's not us talking. That's the family of the late actor, who has indicated that Carradine may not have died accidentally.
8. Is George Clooney really a prankster on set? How about that irrepressible prankster so-and-so? Who's the biggest prankster? Only the universe knows.
9. Who dipped Demi Moore in uranium? Because she says she hasn't had plastic surgery—on her face.
11. Angelina Jolie: Crazy, crazy like a fox, or just a fox?
12. Was Michael Jackson a pedophile? The man is dead, but the questions still swirl around on the Intertubes.
13. Is Mel Gibson really an anti-Semite? That's a silly one right there, but he says he's not, so we'll put it in the form of a question.
14. Seriously, WTF is the Island on Lost, anyway?
15. Why did Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman split? Rumors abound about exactly what went down to break these two up. "Nic knows exactly why we're getting a divorce," was all Tom really ever said about it. And other than calling the split "awful," Nicole really hasn't said much of anything at all.
16. Are all those promise ring-wearin' Disney kids really virgins? Because, come on, Miley has been dating that actor guy for, like, ever.
17. Will Jennifer Aniston ever spawn? Because the whole world wants her to spawn. Why won't she just spawn already.
18. Was Michael Jackson murdered? La Toya says he was, but authorities claim otherwise. Dr. Conrad Murray, the man who allegedly gave Jackson the drug Propofol on the day the singer died, currently faces a charge of involuntary manslaughter, and has pled not guilty.
19. Did Britney Spears ever really tame her inner crazy?
20. Can Justin Bieber's hair be categorized as a sentient life form? Perhaps not. But there is at least some evidence that the young singer would make a very good lesbian.
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