There isn't a lot we don't know about Octomom Nadya Suleman. And let's be honest, what we don't know, we don't really care about.
But leave it to Oprah Winfrey to pull a new piece of she said what? information out of the media wreckage, wresting a gem or two from the self-described "carnival attraction."
"I'm not a celebrity. I'm a pseudocelebrity catapulted into this big media mess," Suleman said on today's show. "It's just a cycle. It's just a moneymaking cycle."
Yeah, yeah, sorry 'bout that. Anyway, here's today's moneymaker:
"I've never had plastic surgery in my life. All of a sudden they say I want to be like this Jolie actor. I've heard of her name, never even knew who she was."
Of course, in fairness, Suleman doesn't exactly have tons of free time on her hands these days, what with her "ridiculously huge family" and sudden quest to finally clarify what she's all about to the media.
Winfrey started off today's show by telling the audience she was reluctant to involve herself in the Octomess, but was driven to enter the ratings bonanza fray after receiving a handwritten note from Suleman, in which she seemingly owned up to her responsibilities, telling Winfrey she was "not a victim" and that she doesn't "blame anyone for the circumstances of my life."
Suleman then proceeded to give viewers an inside look into her life thanks to an Oprah-certified film crew (Big O herself was invited to drop by, but made perfectly clear that was never going to happen).
Feel free to save space on your TiVo—here are the CliffsNotes: Suleman averages three hours of sleep a night, which is just as well, since four or five of her kids sleep in her bed; she has never had a nanny quit on her, instead she says she's "fired everyone"; she currently has a trio of day nannies assisting her and no help at night; she spends about $1,000 a week on groceries, none of which is government-assisted; she is "obsessed with healthy eating," except when she feeds her kids canned chili; and she can't leave her house without walking straight into a flock of paparazzi.
Despite that, she's still not used to the glare of the camera.
"I would never do a reality show," she said. "That has been a lie since the very beginning. I am shy. I've always shied away from cameras, but I felt that I needed to do something."
Most recently, that something was pose for bikini shots in Star, something she said she was "ashamed" and "embarrassed" of, but which paid $100,000 and allowed her a few more months of being able to provide for her kids.
What she would never consider is any of the many porn offers she's received, saying even the invitations are "exploiting me, disrespecting me." She said no matter how hard up for cash she was, the idea that she'd agree to appear in a porno was "completely unfathomable."
"It is utterly disrespectful to a mother, to anyone who is just trying to survive. If they offered $100 million, I would never, ever do something like that."
Another thing she would never consider: putting any of her kids up for adoption or sending them into foster care.
"I will do anything in my power to secure what I need on my own without feeling like I'm exploiting my children. I will do everything, everything as a mother to avoid that at all costs. I would die before I would ever consider it."
Not that everything is going swimmingly at casa Suleman.
"I'm still trying to stay afloat, and I'm holding my children in that raft with me," she said. "We're still in the midst of survival."
As for what got her here in the first place, Suleman said she owns "all of my responsibility for my choices in the past," and admits, "I wasn't thinking at that time."
"Reflecting back, I was so caught up with my own childish desires. There were so many reasons, perhaps selfishness, perhaps trying to compensate for being an only child, trying to fill some missing piece inside, and I maybe wrongfully looked outside of myself when I should have been looking in."
Still, while she doesn't regret having her children, she said if she could do it over again, she would not implant quite so many eggs. And while she previously said she would be open to having another child down the road should she meet a man who for some reason wanted to make it a solid 15, she said that notion is nowhere in her foreseeable future.
"At this point in my life, that's the farthest thing from my mind," she said, adding that her time is already stretched thin. "I live every hour of the day with a tremendous amount of guilt."
She also cleared up some other misconceptions about herself: She's not on food stamps; she has "never ever had a history of wanting or even being interested in the media prior to having children"; she wants to one day work in education; she is not dating; her house is no longer in foreclosure, but she "must secure some type of revenue" and soon; and finally, she's doing the best she can.
"I've grown up probably more in a year than I have in 34 and a half years of my life," she said. "I've learned that not one human being can give one child all of it."
Oprah ended the hour as only she can—by bringing it right back to the most important person on Planet Winfrey.
"My god, I got two new puppies the other day for my birthday, and I can't imagine what it's like."
Not exactly an apt comparison, we're guessing, but a choice one all the same.
None of Hollywood's clans can rival the sheer volume of the Octobrood, but there's no arguing with the cuteness in our Famous Families gallery.