Bitch-Back! More Gay Dishing About 50 Cent

Who’s wrong, Ted or Rufus Wainwright?

Dear Ted:
You've got to be kidding! People (like Rufus Wainwright) shouldn't assume other people are gay? You're seriously suggesting that you, a gay male with an excellent gaydar, have never assumed someone was gay? So the only gay people you know are the ones who are out or who have engaged in homosexual sex in front of you? Does this mean Nelly Fang and Nevis Divine have secretly told you about their true orientation? Or perhaps you are assuming they bat for your team? I mean, even though I am a straight female, my gaydar is pretty good, and I have correctly assumed many people are gay. For example, I (and everybody else) knew Ricky Martin wasn't interested in girls long before he officially came out!
—K from Penn.

Dear Slightly Confused:
A few things. One, there's a difference between assuming and having someone you know confirm one's sexual orientation, à la Nelly and Nevis. Rufus was unclear. Does he assume 50 is gay because of his "sweet voice"? And, hon-pie, please don't ever use Ricky Martin as an example of why your gaydar is good. Ricky was born waving a rainbow flag. As was I, as was the fabulous Rufus and as were many proud others.

Dear Ted:
You keep teasing about Grey's Anatomy drama! Is there more than what was already released into the media? Secret romances, more bitchiness, or everything I'm thinking about and more? Can you spill any details or give us one hint?
–CeCe

Dear Gray Area:
Darling, Grey's dirty laundry is aired all over the place, the castmembers hating each other over the years has never exactly been a secret. Place is more of a hornet's nest than Desperate Housewives, always has been.

Dear Ted:
I love Peter Skarsgård and Maggie Gyllenhaal. They are both talented and seem down-to-earth. Have they ever been a Blind Vice, apart or together?
—Cine

Dear Sweet One:
Wow, good one. Nope they have not. Forget about them sometimes! But, when it comes down to it, ultimately, just don't think these two have quite the sinful sizzle to get them into Blind infamy.

Dear Ted:
Have Toothy Tile and Saucy Bossy ever worked on a film together? If so, did any extra-curricular kinky activities happen between the two down-low studs?
—G

Dear Hollywood is Small:
They're acquainted, yes.

Dear Ted:
Is Buck Me-Good Kellan Lutz? Love the goss, babe.
—Rachel

Dear Right Idea:
Good hard-bodied guess, but wrong guy. Don't see Kellan pulling a stunt like that. He's too naturally sweet, quite unlike roughie Buck-Me.

Dear Ted:
I have a question regarding an oldie but goodie Blind Vice! Was Oded Good-Head servicing some random dude, or an equally famous hottie?
—Mary in Cali

Dear Good Head Indeed:
The guy wasn't famous, no. But, Oded sure is, especially lately. More than ever.

Dear Ted:
I think more people need to read your column. Perhaps then they wouldn't think the Steven Seagal lawsuit is beyond the realm of possibility. Maybe Kayden is out for her 15 minutes of fame...but so were Tiger and Jesse's women...and they were all telling the truth. What are your thoughts on this whole disgusting mess? Surprised? Keep uncovering the awful truth!
—Amy

Dear Shock Value:
You're right doll, I was hardly surprised and I've mentioned before how SS badly treated the past women in his life, certainly Kelly LeBrock.

Dear Ted:
Do you watch Dancing with the Stars? Has Julianne Hough ever been a BV? Has her brother?
—Dasha

Dear Keeping it in the Family:
Nope, neither have. One could be! And, yes, hate to admit it, but, I'm totally into the cha-cha cheese-factor of the show. Please don't tell anybody.

Dear Ted:
I just have to share this link with you, not sure if you have seen it. It's Colin Farrell talking about the homophobia his brother experienced growing up. He writes with such honesty, intelligence and clearly has so much love for his brother. I have always thought he was hot but now he seems so much more than eye candy!
—Gillian

Dear Brains and Beauty:
Makes me heart Colin even more!

Dear Ted:
Is Joe Jonas Parrish Maguire, or is the hottest JoBro just like he's portrayed?
—Laur

Dear Jonesing for Truth:
No, Joe isn't Parrish but good guess! And, really, you think he's the hottest JoBro? I beg to differ.

Dear Ted:
You may be gay, and I may be straight, but I go to bed with you every night and wake up with you every morning! Love your column. Proud mom of 4 rescue cats & dogs, and a turtle! Is Nelly Fang James Marsters, Spike from Buffy?
—Thomas

Dear Letter of the Day:
Just because you're witty and darling I'll give you a straight answer: no. Wrong genre entirely, really, think far more big.

Dear Ted:
I was thinking who will be good to play Renesseme for Breaking Dawn. I was thinking someone a la Suri Cruise. Thoughts?
–Sandy

Dear OMG:
Start a petition for this asap. #getsuricruiseinbreakingdawn

Dear Ted:
What's Pete Poked been up to lately? Do you think he could give Nevis Divine any advice on how to manage a successful career with a handsome man on one arm and a fashionable woman on the other (but maybe not at the same time)?
—Single

Dear Vicers Come Together:
Sorry, would go right over Petey's head, even if Nevis would be kind enough to offer the tips (which he very well might, were he asked, he's actually a pretty chill guy). Ms. P's just gonna keep trudging through the stupid media mistakes so many others in his closeted shoes tend to make, I'm afraid.

Dear Ted:
You've stated that you don't use more than one moniker for the subjects of your Blind Vices—for ince, once Toothy Tile, always Toothy Tile. However, is it possible that a subject with a moniker was once the subject of another Blind Vice back in the day when your column was a weekly column and you didn't have monikers for your subjects? That is, could someone like Fey Oiled-Tush, who first appeared in your column in 2008, have yet another older Blind Vice attributed to him that had no mention of Fey Oiled-Tush or any other moniker back then?
—ugbugmemenotnot

Dear Outsmart Me Not:
Even though I'm far too confused at this point to follow you, exactly (the science you folks make this celeb debauchery out to be is pretty impressive), let me repeat: no Blind Vice member has ever had more than one name. Never has, never will.