Michael Lohan, mugshot

Suffolk County Police

Dear Ted:
Why is everyone being so hard on Michael Lohan? Obviously leaking those voice mails to the tabloids isn't the best way to go about forcing your daughter to hit rock-bottom, but what else could he do? No other method worked to get her into rehab. Not saying I agree with it 100 percent but hey—leave no stone unturned, right? I say it just may be the push over the edge to get the help she needs. What say you?
Nichole, Stamford, Conn.

Dear See Your Crazy and Raise You Crazier:
If Michael was really doing it in Lindsay's best interest, sure, I could see your point. But if he really cares he should go over to her house and force the girl into rehab.

Dear Ted:
Was Madonna a subject of a Blind Vice? And do you think Jesus will go Jewish for her?

Dear Surprising One:
No, actually, the Queen is exempt. I think Jesus will do whatever the hell she tells him to. He's a sugar baby.

Dear Ted:
I have no doubt in my mind that Robsten is a real couple, and I was loving the hand-holding pics! But their timing for PDA is a little too perfect. I cannot picture Rob or Kristen agreeing to this, but please tell me the paps just got lucky and this was not set up by Summit or one of their reps?

Dear Doubtful:
Or maybe they are just so worn-down by being asked the same damn question over and over again, they gave us a little to shut us up.

Dear Ted:
I feel bad for Robsten! I know most people want to see them together, but if we take every picture of them holding hands and make such an uproar about it, I would expect the undue pressure that it causes them (because of their lack of privacy) will cause their relationship to crumble. They will resent each other because of the attention being together causes them. All their fans are giving them no chance at being happy. And on a totally different note, has Seth Green been a B.V.?
The Heaveners 

Dear Here, Here:
Sadly, I agree with you, babe—even though I'm contributing to the uproar. And no, gross Green hasn't. Ever. Nor will he ever be.

Dear Ted:
Is Sandy Boob Peter Gallagher? And is Keanu Reeves Nevis Divine? Love you!

Dear Double Whammy:
Wrong and more wrong! Younger. Love ya right back.

Dear Ted:
I just do not understand people these days. Don't they realize, regardless of the "timing," that at least one girl will have watched Rihanna's interview and leave the abusive relationship they are in? As for Chris Brown and his supporters, the reason they don't want to hear what happened is because they can now envision him, kicking, biting and choking her. If you don't want people to see you that way, don't hit a woman, or anyone for that matter.
Julie in San Francisco

Dear Echo:
Exactly what I've been typing since last February.

Dear Ted:
First of all, thanks for entertaining me. Second, I think Bob Harper (Biggest Loser) would be perfect for you. OK, let's get to the hot mens. I love Zach Levi, any juicy dirt on him? How about some more gossip on my fav Jensen Ackles. Thanks!

Dear Gay Love:
Bob's happily taken—but like where your head's at! And Zach and Jensen might be more obtainable? Think they're both a bit more and the randy side.

Dear Ted:
After many months having to deal with the blind and incredulous, you and all the Robsten believers are finally getting the chance to say I told you so! And I'm sure it tastes sweet. Just wondering: Do you think we Judas Jack-Off and Dashed Dingle-Dream shippers will ever have this opportunity of payback against those who think were delusional for doubting their oh-so-obvious heterosexuality?

Dear Typing in Code:
That depends on who you, and everyone, oh so surely believe JJO and DDD to be.

Dear Ted:
Are Tom and Katie headed for divorce soon, because I have this feeling that her five-year contract with him and the Scientology loons is up. I'm also hearing that John Travolta and Kelly Preston may be splitting despite their mouthpieces saying everything's OK.

Dear Powertology:
I doubt those brainwashed couples are making any changeups.

Dear Ted:
Reading your posts on Judas-Jack-Off. I'm guessing Owen Wilson. Am I right?

Dear 0 for 1:
No, think less outwardly funny, but equally confused internally.

Dear Ted:
I've been trying to get into the fashion industry for years now and am finally moving to Milan—do you happen to know if my two fave models, Gisele and Heidi Klum, are as nice as they seem, or is it just a hoax?

Dear Looks to Kill:
Heidi is one of my favorite babes in L.A. Such a sweetheart. As for Gisele, she's all right. Nice for being that pretty.

Dear Ted:
Why does Tina Fey still employ Tracy Morgan? He seems like he is the worst sort of douche bag. She seems so cool. Is she not really? I just don't get it. I'll take any Baldwin over Tracy! And that is saying a lot, because I think the Baldwins are douches, too.

Dear 30 Rockless:
No, Tina is as awesome as she seems. What's so bad about Tracy? Or the Baldwins?

Dear Ted:
I'm really annoyed by your attitude about Rihanna. You insist that she had to leave Chris Brown "to set an example for her fans." Yet according to you, everyone in show biz is an amoral loser wandering around town with their pants down, shoving this up their nose or that in their arm. And if they don't, you're pretty quick to call them "lame-ass" and "boring." I don't look to celebs to be my moral compass; my fandom is based on their talent. While I agree she needed to leave him, it was for her sake—not mine. And if celebs were really about setting examples for anyone, well then you wouldn't have a job, now would you? Love you dearly, but can you spell hypocrite, hon?

Dear Too Many Points:
People don't need to be high to be entertaining, but they certainly don't have to be giant fakers, either. Not sure exactly what this has to do with Chris and Rihanna.

Dear Ted:
I love everything R.Pattz but my newest celebrity crush is the gorgeous Alexander Skarsgård. He's talented, Swedish, tall and funny. I know that there were rumors of him dating Evan Rachel Wood and Kate Bosworth, but things have been quite lately since the Scream Awards. Do you have any scoop on anything happening between him and either of those gals?

Dear Late in the Game:
There's always something going on with A.S. and the gals. Always. He's like the male Jennifer Aniston.

Dear Ted:
Could you please give hints about the identity of Twyla Babe-Sucker? You're driving us mad here.

Dear Oldie and Goodie:
Really, that's what's getting you riled up? It shouldn't be that hard, Twyla's all over the place.

Dear Ted:
Reese Witherspoon
played Jennifer Aniston's sister on Friends, do they have things in common—like the men they date? If yes, would you say Brad might be Reese's type also?

Dear Angled Wrong:
I see where you're trying to get me to go. What, you want my ass fired?

Dear Ted:
Greetings from across the pond, Nevis Divine is driving me mad! You've got to give me something—how about your opinion of him? Is he a nice guy? Sweetheart? Bit of a douche? Help me out here, I'm in danger of failing my uni degree as I spend more time trying to figure out your B.V.'s than I do studying.

Dear Fan of Nevis:
I like Nevis. He's a bit unsure of himself, as we all are, but I think he's found his way just fine.

Dear Ted:
Honestly, it looks like Rob is holding a hat and Kristen is just latched on to his arm. Don't friends always do that type of thing? If in fact they are something, this picture says to me that it's not amazing. Their fingers aren't even interlinked. Thoughts?

Dear Part of the 27 Percent:
Please, for Rob and Kristen, having their hands touch is the equivalent of a sex tape.

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