It's hard out there for people who were once kinda famous and now want to cash in with an earth-shattering tell-all. Ever since Mackenzie Phillips and her shocking incest announcement, everyone else has had to step up their secrets game.
In his autobiography, Open, Andre Agassi tries really hard to bring the drama, but the People preview of the tennis star's book goes more like this:
So you hated tennis but your father pushed you? Eh. That crazy mullet thing was actually a hairpiece and you were prematurely balding? We need more. You and Brooke Shields never worked as a couple? Yawn. Oh wait, you dabbled in crystal meth?! Shut up! Tell us more.
While it's no Jodie Sweetin "I snorted meth at an Olsen twins' movie premiere" revelation, it's still a crystal meth story...
It all started on a normal afternoon. Agassi was just watching TV with his assistant Slim and then Slim was all, "Let's do some gack." The two did meth together periodically over the next year.
"Apart from the buzz of getting high," Agassi writes, "I get an undeniable satisfaction from harming myself and shortening my career."
This didn't last long, though. After failing a drug test, the Association of Tennis Professionals threatened to suspend Agassi for three months. Of course the only way out was to blame Slim.
"I say Slim, whom I've since fired, often spikes his sodas with meth—which is true. I say that I drank accidentally from one of Slim's spiked sodas."
And just like that everything's fixed, Agassi's done with drugs, divorces Brooke and marries the love of his life, Steffi Graf.
As far as memoirs go, this definitely ranks above Screech's Saved by the Bell "They all smoked pot!" tell-nothing but way below the aforementioned Jodie Sweetin's, and Kathy Griffin's "my dead brother was a pedophile." Not bad for an athlete, though!
You know who will definitely have an awesome tell-all one day? Lindsay Lohan, of course! Gotta admit, girl is looking good in our Big Pic gallery today.