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    Bitch-Back! Someone Loves Speidi?

    Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt Buchan/Green

    Dear Ted:
    Why do the paparazzi show love for Heidi and Spencer? Their 15 minutes should be up by now. Are they trying to take over Paris' throne?
    —dnnro

    Dear Pratt Love:
    The paps love Speidi 'cause they make it so easy. No car chases, no hiding in bushes and because gossip pages still swallow 'em up. A paparazzo was even the photographer at their wedding! But their love is only skin-deep—think any photo hog would wait hours outside their house just for a glimpse like they do our babe Britney? They wish.  

    Dear Ted:
    What the hell? Where are all the posters that complained about too much Twi coverage? You give us a blazin'-hot Blind Vice and it gets under 200 posts. Paris, Britney, Lindsey, American Idol, B.V.—500-plus posts combined. Twi-related—2000! Will the madness ever end? P.S. Did you see the shout-out in Friday's Vancouver Sun?
    —K.H., San Diego

    Dear Vamp Madness:
    Sure did! And don't you love the "denial" quotes they reported from K and R, who still didn't utter a defined "no effin' way" that they're together?

    Dear Ted:
    I always try to guess the identity of your Blind Vices but always fail. Will I be able to be right this time? Cause Hard-Nipple Nick sure is Tom Hanks, right?
    —mindfreak

    Dear Forrest Hump:
    How dare you! Presently clean-cut Tom got all his vices out in the '80s. Think more studly.

    Dear Ted:
    Holly Conway, a DJ from Vancouver who met Rob Pattinson a few weeks back, wrote on her Twitter: "Rob Pattinson spotted getting out of a BMW at Coq. Center a few mins ago and was apparently shopping at Le Chateau with K. Stewart? Come on." Someone called her and she confirmed that she got a tip that they were seen together at the Coquitlam Centre.
    —littlepooh599

    Dear Volunteer Correspondent:
    Thanks for the detective work!

    Dear Ted:
    Whoever your source is, you should get rid of him/her immediately. After these pictures of Kristen and Michael, your credibility is down the drain. It's sad... Although I knew you were a gossip columnist, I really started to believe your posts about R and K. Shame on you to make us hope with lies. Normally I wouldn't bother to write, but I'm from Brazil , and I wanted to make sure you knew that your misguided conduct affected people all over the world.
    —dazzlingbrasil

    Dear Rio Reviled:
    Look, our sources are straight on. And at the end of the day, it boils down to two kids having fun—let them. Besides, is your life any different whether they're hooking up or not? It's all supposed to be fun, hon!

    Dear Ted:
    Just wanted to say thanks for the laugh. The phone jockey ending to your latest Truth, Lies & Ted was hilarious and so very sad but true. You made my morning.
    —Kp

    Dear Just the Morning?:
    We're here all day!

    Dear Ted:
    I now am officially ready for the men in white coats over this Robsten thing. My husband is quite unhappy at my obsession. Keep up the good work.
    —Jennifer

    Dear Unhappy Hubby:
    How 'bout some role-playing? You be Kristen, he'll be Rob, and you'll both be satisfied!

    Dear Ted:
    Just as the Toothy Tile updates were getting routine, but still much appreciated, you introduce the delicious Crotch Uh-lastic. Please tell me, which one is more eager to come out, and who will come out first? Will this be a competition?
    —Ann

    Dear Shot In the Groin:
    Crotch. By a long, long shot. He's too smart for this BS, anyway.

    Dear Ted:
    Hard-Nipple Nick is Ryan Reynolds?
    —abba

    Dear No:
    Would you be into anyone else if you were married to ScarJo's boobs?

    Dear Ted:
    Do you think Judas Jack-off and his boyfriend will ever come out of the closet? Or will they keep their marriage secret (if they ever get there, of course)?
    —sexymamie

    Dear Once Burned:
    Judas' BF knows he's toast if he wants their relationship out there any more than it already is—so, he's settling. Like most of American marriages.

    Dear Ted:
    As little as I am interested in this Twilight story, it is the story of the moment and anything else will be dwarfed by it for a long time. Not even Toothy squeezes in much. Sigh. I will just have to hang on to hear anything else going on in the gossip world, but this is tough going for us non-Twilighters.
    —Patricia

    Dear Fed Up:
    Gossip's always going through cycles, sweetie. Right now it's all about those Twi babes. Remember when all anybody could yak about was Posh & Becks? Seems so yawn now!

    Dear Ted:
    I've been reading your column for years—ever since college (you're huge at USC), and I have never seen you so alone on a story. Not even Brangelina! Can a studio really control such seemingly independent and rebellious people as K. Stew and Rob P., in this day and age? Can they really do all this? I'm a nosy bitch who likes to gossip, which is why I love you, but at the end of the day it doesn't affect me if Rob P. is dating K. Stew, Nikki Reed or a goat. I hate to see people trashing your reputation, though. I've always enjoyed you and LaineyGossip together, but it really seems like one of you has to be wrong here. I hope it's her. I'm Team Ted!
    —Sarah

    Dear Goss Be-yotch:
    A.T.'s own Becky is a Trojan. We're big fans back! And yes, studios can control their products (that's how they seem 'em, anyway)—at least up to a point.

    Dear Ted:
    I am sick and tired of Mike Angarano appearing every time there is a slight possibility of Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart getting together. Do you have an angle on this Ted...pretty please?
    —angelslave

    Dear Have We Met?
    I have angles all over the damn place!

    Dear Ted:
    No question....just, you go boy! May Lainey eat your dust and puke! I'm confident you have the answers.
    —Jennifer

    Dear Answer Man:
    Must someone vomit? So uncouth in competition!

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