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Robert Pattinson

Elisabetta A. Villa/Getty Images

Dear Ted:
In every interview he does, Robert Pattinson waxes on about how ugly he finds himself and how women never want to date him. Clearly, Rob's mistaken, but do you think he's just trying to cultivate a facade of humility? I mean, the guy is a former model who stares longingly into every camera lens, even the paparazzi's, like he's filming a Calvin Klein ad. So, is Rob lying to compensate for being a conceited jerk or does he really have horrible self-esteem?
—Erica

Dear Poor Pattinson:
Robbie no doubt knows how hot he is. But gals 'n' guys both love modesty on a man, almost as much as they love a gorgeous 'do.

Dear Ted:
Is Jennifer Aniston Prius Crotch-Catch? I've got it, haven't I?
—Jamie, San Antonio, Texas

Dear Aniston Angle:
Prius' past is a lot more hush-hush. Jenny's conquests are always too public—the way she likes 'em.

Dear Ted:
For some reason I'm just not buying this supposed relationship between Madonna and Jesus Luz. It just rings false, and it is certainly opportunistic for both of them. I think she's trying to distract us for some reason from her real goings-on with A-Rod. What about you?
—Donna, Canada

Dear May-December Showmance:
Besides the fact that she's trying to distract us from her age, A-Rod is history...for the moment. Who would you rather...a hot young model or an over the hill 'roids-filled baseball player?

Dear Ted:
Given the hate-filled and mean-spirited tone of your messages, especially those involving Jennifer Lopez, have you ever considered the possibility that a ton of this stuff from your "sources" is entirely made up? That people have their own let's-get-Lopez agenda? Also, give a moment to consider whether you are a total a------, or not.
—TrunkBay9

Dear PR Train:
Not when I personally know the people feeding me the Lopez info, no, I don't. And, yes, I'm a total asshole. No needs for dashes, dear.

Dear Ted:
I thought your website problems were supposed to be resolved by the end of January? It's so slow! BTW, is Nevis Divine John Mayer?
—Anonymous in Dallas

Dear Mayorizing:
I know too much about Mr. Mayer to find him "undeniably sexy," as I do the real Nevis. And all our bugs will be fixed before Nev outs himself loud 'n' proud, thanks for sticking by.

Dear Ted:
Love your column! Wonder why there's never been a remake of the supersexy Rudolph Valentino movie The Sheik. You just know Rob Pattinson would be perfect as the Sheik (maybe even get a chance to show some skin!). Your thoughts?
—Annie-pie

Dear Rob Role-Player:
Give H'wood a few more years, they'll be remaking (and re-remaking) every movie in existence soon enough. Hear Robbie gets involved in a li'l man action as Salvador Dali in Little Ashes. Is that enough to tide ya over?

Dear Ted:
Not a question but a comment on your last Truth, Lies & Ted. The ending was hilarious. Loved it!
—Amy

Dear Christian Bale:
Glad you can laugh at yourself! Maybe you should be cast as the Joker in the next Batman flick?

Dear Ted:
You told a reader that out of Russell Crowe, Denzel Washington, the Governator, Clint Eastwood, Paul Newman, Mel Gibson and Brad Pitt that one of them is questionable regarding being heterosexual. While I understand your desire to not out anyone, do you think it's fair to drop?

Dear Fair and Balanced:
The hints are all there. Just not all in the same post, darling.

Dear Ted:
Is Nevis Divine Daniel Radcliffe?
Visitor

Dear Homo Potter:
Sorry, sweets, ain't him. If any fey fellas wanna see Danny's privates, they can buy a ticket to Equus. Nevis is slightly harder to uncover.

Dear Ted:
In all the closeted gay Blind Vices, are they A-, B-, C- or D-listers?
—thedepot

Dear Vice Vixen:
E) All of the above.

Dear Ted:
I read your column faithfully from Italy every day! You're fantastic! I'm curious, is Prius Hilary Duff? Also, Vladimir Luxuria has become very popular in Italy for her recent victory on our version of Survivor! She was a minister in the Italian government. She is a transvestite, has made quite a difference in Italy and is a great role model.
—Lily

Dear Trantastic:
A transvestite crossing boundaries in government and on the boob tube? Nice to see it's possible somewhere, if not my home base. Good news to hear, but bad news on your Prius guess—try again. Think older, hotter and more desperate.

Dear Ted:
Is Lloyd Boy-Toyed John Travolta?
—Jenn

Dear Tricky Travolta:
We'll let John catch a break this time—he needs one, with the year he's having so far. Keep guessin' for LBT. Close, though. Right everything but marital status.

Dear Ted:
So after having read your columns for as long as I have been, like many other faithful readers, I just assumed that everyone in the world had already guessed the true identity of Toothy Tile. But I was recently telling some friends of mine Toothy's identity and they were shocked! I didn't realize that his facade was so good that seemingly smart people had no idea he was gay. Thanks for enlightening us all, Ted!
—anj779

Dear Toothy Talk:
What makes you so confident you know for sure who he is?

Dear Ted:
Love, love, love your column. Please answer me this: Is Toothy Tile Owen Wilson?
—Shell

Dear Wilson Wondering:
The way Owen loves to lust all the ladies, there's no way he's our Tooth. Not far off, though, certainly in the offbeat appeal.