Bitch-Back! Are Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene Serious?

The boy bander and Twilight star are rumored to be dating—are they?

Dear Ted:
Please put the Joe Jonas and Ashley Greene dating rumors to rest!
—Courteney

Dear Gronas Gross:
First Nikki Reed and now Ashley Greene? While it may seem that no Twilight megababe is safe from Joe Jonas these days, J2 so does not fit either of these fine femmes' types. Joe probably just wants to sneak in as many screenings of Eclipse as he can...or land a role in one of the final two flicks, since he's such a serious actor now.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart? I'm totally a Robsten fan, but these rumors of him partying with fans and hooking up with them has me a little worried.
—Carmen

Dear Nervous:
The only time a fan hooks up with Edward Cullen is when the delusional Twi-hard is dry-humping a life-size cardboard cutout. I know it hurts, trust, but Rob isn't looking to cuddle up with one of his many millions of die-hard fans.

Dear Ted:
Of your Team Awful's Top 5 Couples Who Should Reunite, do you think any of them actually have a chance of doing so?
—Emily

Dear Crystal Blue Balled:
No, Em. Totally sucks, too, don't you think? While we know these stars are all mucho in need of a reunion, most of ‘em are too proud to ever return to their former flames. Mostly 'cause at least one half of each duo thinks he or she is better than the ex—any guesses who that person is in each twosome?

Dear Ted:
Has Mel Gibson always been this crazy? Surely you must've spotted signs. My friends and I have been speculating. Some think his wife went through hell on wheels for years...I'm wondering if this recent crazy hasn't been escalated by his ongoing career failures. He really sounds unbalanced, like he's at a crisis point. Not that I condone his behavior. I still say jail him. At least there they'd be able to stop him from doing harm to others or himself.
—Vivien

Dear Mel-ania:
Uh, yeah, Viv, he's always been off his rocker. Which is why I think it's total crap that people are calling his gal out for leaking the tapes. Who the ef cares how the tapes were leaked? At least now everyone knows what kind of guy he really is—and has been for quite some time.

Dear Ted:
I never really understood the marriage between Lamar Odom and Khloé Kardashian Odom. What's the gossip behind it?
—Sara

Dear Confused on Khloé:
This relaysh actually makes total sense, S. The Kardashians—minus Kourtney—tend to have a certain "type:" They friggin love sports stars. No goss on this groom. They are actually cuckoo crazy in love—in front of the camera and behind. Who knew?

Dear Ted:
I was never a fan of Brad and Jen, and I'm not a fan of Brad and Angelina. For me, it's always been Brad and Gwyneth that were the true golden couple. Do you think there is a chance they might ever get back together?
—Erin

Dear The '90s Called:
Not a chance, E. Like seriously, zilch, nada, goose egg. First, Gwynnie broke his heart big time, and second, if Jen wasn't enough to keep Brad from straying, there's no way in hell icy G will respark his fire. But thanks for the laugh, doll.

Dear Ted:
What's up with Lea Michele and Cory Monteith? Is there something going on between them or is it just a rumor? I think they look so cute together, don't you?
—Nikki

Dear Gleekin' It On:
While I thought at one point the duo would be totally delicious, I now see how completely different the twosome are. And not in an opposites-attract sort of way, which is why I feel so much like Sue Sylvester when I tell you that those relaysh rumors are just that: rumors.

Dear Ted:
I've heard a lot of saucy stories about David Schwimmer. Was he the subject of a Blind Vice?
—Charlotte

Dear Who's the Ross:
Char, not only has sneaky Schwimmer been a B.V., but his Vice is so infamous that he made the Blind Vice Superstars gallery. Trust, while he may have come in last on our post-Friends success list, he was definitely one of the castmembers with the most naughty secrets.

Dear Ted:
I have been a huge fan of Edward Norton ever since Primal Fear, and I thought he was robbed of an Oscar for American History X. Is he cool or somewhat of a diva? I guess I wouldn't be too surprised if he had some Vices—he did date Courtney Love, after all! He is a great actor, but I'm wondering how he is behind the scenes.
—Mike

Dear Misinformed:
Norton's seriously all about his work, which many folks in this town mistakenly assume means someone's got divaitis. Not so with E.N. Keeps to himself, but very cool. Like Ryan Gosling.

Dear Ted:
My puppy, Lucy, and I would like to know who would be more likely to adopt a rescue dog, Judas Jack-Off or Dashed Dingle-Dream?
—Jules

Dear Doggy Style:
Neither. The only real warm and fuzzy stuff both guys are interested in is each other.

Dear Ted:
You piqued my interest when you mentioned Lost Blind Vices. I'd love to hear anything and everything you feel you can reveal on the subject!
—Emily

Dear Island Secrets:
Let's just say that the smoke creature wasn't the real monster on that island. Not when there was one castmember making all those DUI and sexual harassment scandals look like kiddie play.

Dear Ted:
I used to have a huge crush on the bad-boy Colin Farrell. What has happen to him? What naughty things has he been up to? Do I have to find myself another bad boy? My baby Frisko says hi, he's a sweet Siberian husky who stole my heart.
—G

Dear Batty for Bad Boys:
Col doesn't quite have the same lookin'-for-trouble 'tude that he once had, but we love him all the same. Maybe he doesn't fit your bad-boy mold anymore, but he's a stand-up fellow. Especially when he's speaking out for gay rights. Licks back to Frisk!

Dear Ted:
So your blurb about Sally Field and her bike made me think—maybe you could, occasionally, do a "Nice Vice." You know, something like the Sally Field thing but make it blind and let us guess as usual. Then we could all get a little satisfaction when you reveal. Whaddya think?
—V

Dear Masking Manners:
Maybe. I'm just not sure I'm nice enough to make a habit of these types of items, but I promise I'll think about it. Really.

Dear Ted:
Does any of the gossip you hear ever get boring even though it might be fascinating to your readers? Out of these B.V. subjects, who do you find the most and least interesting to write about? Toothy Tile, Crescent Kumquat, Judas Jack-Off, Grey Goose and Nevis Divine.
—Meg

Dear T-town Twist:
To answer your first question, I stick with those celebs who are relevant currently and making goss worth gabbing about, that way it doesn't get boring for me or you. As for the Vices, I'd say I'm mucho intrigued by Cres and Nev and the ways they're exploring their sexuality. None really bore me, but T2 hasn't exactly been causing any trouble lately. Care to fix that, Tooth?

Dear Ted:
I think you are wrong about Kate Bosworth and Alexander Skarsgård—they seem like a real, legit couple to me. They are always together these days.
—Dasha

Dear Tabloid Truths:
Just because two people are together doesn't mean they're together.