If we hired a private investigator and had him look into every Robsten rumor that's ever been published, we'd have one confused dick.
Yesterday, Life & Style and In Touch screamed that Rob and Kristen broke up. Five days ago, the big bad Internet said that they died. Funny how continuity works, eh, kids?
Truth is, Rob and Kristen are talked about. A lot. But like we keep telling you, so many of these rumors are just genuine, certified, grade-A vampire crap. And since plenty of these wild headlines make doofus claims, we're pretty sure you noticed it, too.
Here are the best:
1. Kristen's preggers! And so is Rob!
It's hardly an uncommon thing to invent a celeb pregnancy rumor, but it's also the easiest one to debunk, since nine months later and no baby means...you guessed it! One dumb-ass rumor. And don't forget, there was also that ludicrous rumor that Rob was pregnant with a lovechild, too. But that one's about as bonkers as Cathy Hardwicke.
2. Rob's dead!
Way, way back in the ancient year of 2008, rumors swirled around the internet that Pattinson had gone the way of James Dean and joined the ranks of celebrities who died in their prime. Only the trashiest rags reported that Rob's body was found in a New York City hotel, apparently from a heroin overdose. Back then, celebrity death hoaxes were not quite as common as they are now, but few people ran this cock-and-bull story, and fewer if any really believed it. And of course, Rob appeared on the Today Show the very next morning, making Al Roker's sexual attractiveness the only truly dead thing on the program.
3. They're buying a house! And an island!
We'll admit that this one wasn't so crazy—but the timing was just unbelievable. Although Summit's chain has been notoriously loosened since last August, the notion of a million dollar West Hollywood mansion came at a time when Robsten couldn't even take a breath without an exec giving the green light. Buying a house? Not really an option. Then in January, more 'bloids reported that the two were planning to buy an entire island in Europe. Heads up, people: Rob and Kristen's Secret Sex Retreat was just the code name they gave to that new Harry Potter theme park in Orlando.
4. Rob's an alcoholic diva!
One particularly bogus report stated that following his New York City cab accident last June, R.Pattz affected a total diva attitude and got pissed at basically everyone. Of course, we all know that Rob couldn't be a more laid-back guy. And then came the tall tales about Rob's alcoholism, which came attached to a warning from Summit that Rob had to shape up or he'd be recast. Please. Rob's a fun dude, but he's no problem boozer, and he's the last person in the Twilight cast with his head on the chopping block. If he was gonna get replaced, it woulda happened by now and we'd all be cringing at the sight of moptop Justin Bieber as the new Edward Cullen.
5. They're engaged! No, they broke up! No, really, they're engaged!
In typical Us Weekly and OK! fashion, the vamping power couple has broken up and gotten back together about eight times in two years, according to a totally unofficial tally. There have been weddings (featuring Nikki Reed and Dakota Fanning as bridesmaids, no less) and meltdowns (Kristen has a heroin addiction!), none of which are documented and all of which are, of course, just total crap. Rob's wooing other girls (including Reese Witherspoon), Kristen's dating other guys (including Taylor Lautner), and both are carrying on relationships that know no humane boundaries of monogamy and decency. Sounds like fun!
So what would have happened if all the tacky tabloid trash was actually true? We did the calculations, and we've come up with this:
Despite Kristen having died once and Rob twice, both managed to resurrect themselves successfully enough for Kristen to give birth to a baby in April (and one more's on the way, since Rob is due in August!).
Notoriously diva-ish Rob juggles his dual roles in a Kurt Cobain biopic and The Hobbit with caring for wife Kristen and his myriad on-the-side fiancés, including Emilie De Ravin, Megan Fox, and new MILF-flame Reese Witherspoon. Meanwhile, Kristen has constant trysts with barely legal costar Taylor Lautner, inviting him back to their multimillion dollar Hollywood mansion (opting not to use her and Rob's island retreat off the coast of England).
Of course, this is all irrelevant since Kristen and Rob both dumped each other by now anyway.