Dear Face Off:
All I have to say is spotting suspected plastic surgery on the Desperate Housewives set is akin looking for fishy water in the Pacific.
From one animal rescuer (three cats and three dogs) to another, Ted, give me your ear. For some reason, peeps are really getting their jollies that Ryan Phillippe is once again unattached. He got slammed when he started dating Abbie, but it was dying down. Now it seems to have built up steam again following the breakup. But reporting that he was seen buying condoms? Pretty low. What's the guy done to deserve all the vitriol? Spill, Ted. I always tell people that you're nothing if not honest.
Dear Leave Ryan Alone!:
Celebs have all sorts of people working for them—if the stud was so uncomfortable buying his plastics so soon after his much-talked-about breakup, then he could have sent his assistant to do the deed for him. Hey, at least he's being safe, right?
I am not sure if you are a fan of The Bachelor, but, I watched a few episodes this season for the first time. It all seems to be very staged. On the season finale, Jake asked one of the girls to marry him. He didn't seem to have any connection with any of the girls on the show. Is the show just a big set up? Are the guys required to choose someone and propose? Are they all just wannabe celebrities?
Dear Reality Check:
The Bachelor is about as real as The Hills and most of the other "reality" shows out there—that is, not at all. Of course, it's all set up to get the viewers all riled up about who he picks. How many of those relationships have lasted past the final rose ceremony? Like zero by my count.
A week or two ago you mentioned you would do your best to answer BV questions made by those who have rescued pets. One of my rescues passed away last year and my new doggie is a rescue as well. So, would you please give me a hint as to which BV is Bradley Cooper's? Also, I think you said you might reveal which BV was Brittany Murphy's, are you any closer to making a decision on that front?
Dear Yes and No:
Congrats on your rescue! Where's the pic and what's the name? For your prize you get the seemingly innocuous, but, actually quite delicious clue that Mr. Cooper's Vice requires the use of the Internet.
One of the most popular guesses for last Friday's Blind Vice has been Sarah Michelle Gellar and Freddie Prinze Jr. You have said SMG has been a Blind in the past and, to my knowledge, you have not revealed which one, making her ineligible for Cruella St. Shackles. I believe SMG was Botox-Bang Slasher, am I at least in the right genre?
Dear Gellar Guessing:
Already nixed FPJr. as Cruella's sneaky spouse, so SMG is out of the game for this B.V. Here's a Vice I'm sure SMG would be interested in: Buffying up and slaying vamp hottie Nelly Fang to jump starting her once-relevant career.
Robsten was close to calling it quits? You never said that! We look to you for all our Robsten scoop, have you led us astray? Do you have any more dirt that you are hiding from us? Bad Ted!
Dear Not So Fast:
I said everyone thought that Robsten was close to calling it quits, not that they every actually were. I've been telling you all along that our fave Hollywood couple hadn't split—now will you guys finally believe me?
Henrietta Hard-Ball has got to be one of the crazy Michelles. I'm fairly certain it's Michelle Malkin, but my second choice is Michele Bachmann. Am I close on either of these guesses?
Dear Conservative Craze:
You're definitely on par with the right level of craziness, but neither of the gals you guessed is Ms. Hard-Ball.
Not much in your column recently on my favorite couple: TomKat. I need a fix. What's going on with Scientology's poster couple? Keep up the good work. You and Roger Friedman are the only columnist's work I trust.
Dear TomKat Got Your Tongue:
While Glee's Dianna Agron wants us to think T.C. and K.H. are the most loving and normal couple in the world, I'm not buying it. The two have been able to stay out of the media glare recently and some of the controversy surrounding Cruise's antics may have faded, but normal is definitely not the watchword with these two.
What's the story with Jessica Alba? Is she naughty or nice? Has she ever been a Blind Vice? Inquiring minds want to know! By the way, I'm a long-time lover of your celebrity dish—it's mouth-watering!
Dear Alba's Antics:
For the most part, Jessie A. is pretty chill—likes cozy dinners over clubbing, prefers time with her baby over the likes of Lindsay Lohan, etc.—but if we have one complaint about the babe it's her usually horrible wardrobe.
Back in the Golden Days of Hollyweird, I can understand why actors closeted themselves. Not only was society more judgmental but the movies were all about red-blooded men or romance. Now though, the biggest leading men are in sci-fis, shoot 'em ups, buddy movies or play down-and-outers in the hopes of winning an Oscar. I can't remember a film in the last five years that required Tom Cruise, Will Smith, George Clooney, Johnny Depp, Denzel Washington, Matt Damon, Ben Affleck or Brad Pitt to kiss a woman. So really, who cares who they're kissing at home?
Dear Sittin' In A Tree:
In all of these A-listers most recent (or at least most praised) movies, they've definitely been doing a ton of k-i-s-s-i-n-g with their lady-costars. Let's talk Oscars: G.C. heated things up with Vera Farminga in Up In The Air and B.P. created one of the most-buzzed-about romances with Cate Blanchett in The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, just to name a few.
I have to tell you that your column is one of my addictions. Anyway, since I heard about the Jared/Genevieve engagement and the sudden wedding, I couldn't stop myself from getting suspicious. I mean it was really quick, don't you think? Honestly I think there might be more to the story. So please, Ted, I know that you know a bit more about this whole thing.
Dear Runaway Bride:
The couple pulled off quite the covert ceremony this past weekend, but it does leave you wondering: Why so quick to rush down the aisle? The couple has been dating since 2008, but might there be a reason they had to say "I do" right away?
OK, here's my question: Brittany Murphy's mother and husband—what is up with that? They are moving to NYC together? Am I the only one who thinks these two are a little, shall I say, "off"?
Dear Far Off:
"Off" doesn't even begin to describe the odd couple's latest plans. Britt's mom has always been a bit shady herself, but, with B.M. leaving everything to her mother, there's no way Simon Monjack's move is completely motivated by his bond with his mom-in-law.
Your Blind Vices are my favorite vice, and I've got to finally ask you to comment meaningfully about my suspicion: Chester Shorts-Off and Secretia Ohio are Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan
Dear Dancing Duo:
Here's a meaningful comment on your guess: nope. Secretia has way more clout in H'wood than little-known Jenna Dewan.