Oh, Villains. That was just embarrassing.
Tonight's mud challenge ass-whooping on Survivor: Heroes vs Villains proved that the Villains' entire team of weaklings just don't stand a chance against the Heroes' brute force of nature when it comes to anything physical.
So is there any way the Villains can win? Plus, want dish on who definitely won't make it to the very end? And which former Castaway was too naked and, um, jiggly to even be pixelated?
I have the scoop...
Monty Brinton/ CBS
The Villains Will Always Lose Physical Challenges: Tonight's Sumo'an Mud Wrestling Immunity and Reward Walloping Challenge proved that the Villains' smahts can never win against the Heroes' brawn in a physical contest. The "tribe full of misfits" (Parvati's words) are hindered by scary-scrawny Courtney and Tyson and the older and weaker Randy, Sandra and Jerri. No one can deny the power of Parv's batting eyelashes, but they cannot row a boat or wrestle an opponent to the ground (or mud). It doesn't matter if James, Tom, Colby, J.T. and Rupert aren't speaking with "one voice" when victory depends solely on brute strength. Too bad for the Villains that James only revealed his nasty nature after this season began.
The Villains Made the Right Decision: These veteran all-stars know better than to keep a Lil or Vecepia around this early in the game for the sake of self-preservation. Not that I'm comparing Randy with past Survivor rejects—far from it. Randy's a rock star and the game won't be the same without barbs like "Paradise my ass...The only paradise about this hellhole is leaving it." At least he got his wish tonight?
Russell's Tricks Will Backfire: By emptying his tribemates' canteens and other hijinks last season, the Puppetmaster devastated his Foa Foa tribe. But this is a different game, and winning challenges is crucial to the Villains' success. Russell is making a rookie mistake by choosing self-preservation tactics over tribal success. Every time the Villains go to Tribal Council it is an opportunity for his tribemates to send him home.
Tyson Says... "Those heroes were waiting to wallop on us a bit. I guess they must have all been eating steroid sandwiches before the challenge. They were all crazy-eyed and it was almost scary to look in their faces. Not that it was intimidating, but I worried for their sanity." Who will entertain us with wicked witticisms when both Randy and Tyson are voted out? You know li'l Tyson's ousting is inevitable, so let's enjoy him while we can.
WHO WILL GET VOTED OFF NEXT
Based on the previews, it looks like the Villains' in-fighting will send them to Tribal Council once more—but we didn't see any footage of Courtney, the obvious next choice. The next Hero on the chopping block could be Cirie. As one of our commenters pointed out (holla, Curtis!) last week, when Stephenie texted "You should've stuck with me" to Cirie last Thursday night, she replied, "Hindsight is 20/20"—not "Whatevs, the jury is so voting for this 'gangsta in an Oprah suit.'" In other words, Steph revealed that Cirie won't make it to the final.
Time to reveal the Samoa Castaway who mistook camp for a nudist colony! Turns out Shambo's freak flag wasn't the only thing flapping at Galu: The loud and proud former Marine often paraded around camp in nothing but her mullet. So why weren't viewers "treated" to this tribute to Richard Hatch? Maybe because, her dismayed tribemates tell me, her "girls" were never still enough to pixilate. And here we thought starving and dehydration were Survivor's greatest hardships.
Moving Castaways (sans brain-scarring imagery, promise) are the subject of next week's insider scoop: How the contestants really get to Tribal Council. (Walking? Think again.)
Whose torch do you think Jeff will snuff next? Cast your vote in our Heroes vs. Villains exit poll!
Size up the Heroes and Villains in our gallery!