Note to Jeff Probst: You may want to change your intro on Survivor: Heroes vs. Villains, because tonight's episode proved that it is so not the Villains with the "ruthless cunning and backstabbing!"
In another electrifying hour, we witnessed the Heroes tribe disintegrate while the Villains (OK, one Villain and his minions) again triumphed over adversity.
Here's what you need to know...
WHAT WENT DOWN
"Get Help!" Did Rob actually say these words—about himself? Thanks to the previews, at least we had time to prepare for the felling of the Robfather, who passed out from dehydration/disgust with his tribe. More shocking than "Get help!" was this dazed declaration to Jeff Probst: "I'm sorry. I feel like it's getting the best of me." Fortunately for us (and face it, the Villains), the tribe's "bright shining star" (per Courtney) quickly recovered his sparkle.
Crybabyitis: "When I finally came to," said Rob, "I had a moment of clarity, And that was stop trying to be the good guy. Because I'm trying to be so good, I physically made myself sick. Just do what everybody wants you to do and be the villain. The doctors checked me out, basically told me I have the flu and a little bitty case of crybabyitis. [But now] I gotta start smacking 'em into shape." Atta boy!
Puzzled, Again: Despite their hefty lead in the Immunity and Reward Challenge's physical first half (come on, Colby, James, Tom and J.T. against everyone not named Rob?), the Heroes were stymied again trying to solve the building-block puzzle. While Rob (surprise!) barked orders to his obedient tribe, the Heroes were "talking trash to each other—not a good sign," proclaimed Probst, who later added, "The group of misfit Villains [took] the Heroes to the cleaners." Aw.
Meanwhile, Back at the Happy Heroes Ranch: Yeah, not so much. While J.T. was orchestrating his alliances--"One thing I do know," he said, "I'm gonna piss people off"--James (aka Mr. Nice Guy) seemed possessed after the Heroes' defeat, ranting incoherently about "one voice" and yelling things like "Individuals shut the f--k up." The honorable Tom was not pleased. "I'd love to tell him what a winner is and what a loser is and where he fits into that equation."
Tribal Council, Y'All: The sparks done flew tonight, and they weren't coming from the campfire. Probst, did you really have to go there with James? Amid another "one voice" diatribe and blaming Stephenie for violating his STFU challenge policy, James created additional confusion with the identity of "y'all"—but I guess it's not Stephenie. "Darling," James told Miss Kryptonite, "your name is not y'all. I'll be damned if anybody named y'all in here." But after Colby defended Stephenie, James responded, "The two of y'all. Is that good enough?" With that the firefighter joined the rescue/fracas: "Make it three of 'em all!" Tom said. "You're bullying Stephenie…You said her name. That doesn't mean y'all. That means Stephenie." And with that, those not named Y'All wrote Stephenie's name down. But even her elimination could not snuff those flames, as she offered some parting advice. "Next time y'all lose a challenge, a little less cursing off your tribe might help." To which James replied, "Keep your mouth shut." Oh, those Heroes and their sweet charity!
Mr. Craftsman: The "Heroes" were so busy hogging the airtime with their bickering and scheming that we didn't get to see the shelter Rob built with the nails, tarp and rope the tribe earned as Reward Challenge winners. The Villains are probably kicking back in a two-story cabin with a swing set out front for when Amber visits with Baby Mariano.
Enough with the drama, mamas. As promised last week, some inside scoop you might not know! So riddle me this: What's a poor Castaway to do without her razor and makeup kit when she doesn't want to look too "wild" on TV? As I hinted last week, some Survivor contestants resort to permanent makeup! I can report that Laura (Samoa) and Becky (Cook Islands), among others, had their eyebrows tattooed before coming on the show, and Erinn (Tocantins) is one of many Survivors who dyed her eyelashes: "I'm a natural blonde," she told me, "and they are invisible." Erinn even braved the wild with hair extensions! Still, she said, "My hair looked like a dried-up bramble bush!"
Although some razor-deprived Castaways are fine with Euro-style armpits (cough, Monica, cough), other bikini babes opt for waxing or even permanent laser hair removal. Parvati, dished one of her castmates, "had her entire body lasered," as did Tocantins' Carolina. And the girls aren't the only ones: Tyson, revealed Erinn (his Tocantins tribemate), "totally waxed before our season too...nearly everything." Why aren't we surprised?
Come back next week—if you dare—to find out which female Samoa Survivor habitually paraded around camp buck naked!
WHO WILL GET VOTED OFF NEXT
We're placing our bets on another Hero Tribal Council next week—the question is, will they vote with one voice?
Whose torch do you think Jeff will snuff next week? Cast your vote in our Heroes vs. Villains exit poll!