Pirate Reporter


Once a year, the world giddily acknowledges but rarely actually participates in Talk Like a Pirate Day. But one morning newscast does participate—uh, we mean, p-aaargh-ticipate—every year: Chicago's WGN. 

What was supposed to happen: "Long John Johnny Johnson," WGN's Jeff Hoover, a "producer and occasional knucklehead that gets his mug on camera to do stupid skits," makes a bunch of puns about booty and jokes about the poop deck. 

What actually happened this year:

"If you could stay with me on that telepromptaaargh, that'd be really very helpful," Long John Johnny Johnson barks offscreen midjoke. "Jeez Louise." Take two, and the teleprompter fails again, prompting a "What the hell is going on?"

He then spirals into a rant, the most amazing part of which is that Hoover stays in character the entire time.

"I do this bit one time, one time, each damn year," he yells. "I'm going to scrape the barnacles off your ass. Would somebody fix this or am I just going to flop here on the air?"

And with that, his giggling coworkers inform him that he's out of time and Long John Johnny Johnson storms off.

In other Talk Like a Pirate Day news, here is a pirate playing the Pirates of the Caribbean theme song on flaming bagpipes while riding a unicycle.

This video goes according to plan. We would hate to see what would happen if it didn't.

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