Ellen DeGeneres, Kristen Stewart

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images; Jordan Strauss

Dear Ted:
This has been bothering me for years. Why has Kristen Stewart never been on Ellen DeGeneres' show? If you think about it, every other star has been on there except Kristen. She's a major part of Twilight and I don't understand. What's the deal?

Dear Buh-rilliant:
How friggin' amazing would it have been if Kristen came out with Rob during his interview the other day? We'd love to see Ellen peel back those shy layers, especially when her BF's underwear became a topic. We die for this, even if we just have to fantasize about it. Maybe with the release of her post-Twilight movies K will follow in her beau's über-intense flick-promoting footsteps? We, and Ellen, can only hope to the Twi gods.

Dear Ted:
Has Cookie Muncher been married before?

Dear Cold Feet:
Oh yeah. This mama never books it at the altar. She's got some divorces on her belt for sure.

Dear Ted:
Now that Twilight is winding down, can you tell us ifKellan Lutz or Jackson Rathbone have Blind Vices? Trying to stay steamy.
—snowing in April

Dear Brrr:
Sorry, but when it comes to Vices, these two are pretty damn cold. Well, one of them, at least.

Dear Ted:
I hope you're finally feeling better! It's been a sad spring for me, since my BFF's daddy (who practically raised me too) had his cancer return and likely won't make it to her wedding in May. Thanks so much for your gossip, it's been a great distraction. So maybe you can help me with my guesses for your recent Blind Vice ladies? Cookie is Fergie, Sheila Horn-E is Rihanna and Sally Pearlsmyth is Xtina. All singers, I know, but maybe thinking out of the box is good?

Dear All Wrong:
Sorry to hear about your sad spring! And I'm extra sorry because none of those guesses are correct, but keep up the good Vicing. It's almost there, just think totally different professions for each and every one of those dolls!

Dear Ted:
Does Katie Holmes have a B.V.?

Dear Guessing a Mess:
Hmmm, might as well! Right?

Dear Ted:
I have a rather unhealthy addiction to your column (I can't go a day without checking it). The whole Sally Pearlsmyth and Percy DuBois saga saddens and fascinates me. My guess is AnnaLynne McCord and Kellan Lutz. Also do you have any scoop on my long-term imaginary boyfriend Shane West?

Dear Too Nice:
That couple is far, far too nice to each other to have been Sally  and Percy. Let's be real, post-breakup, it got ugly and real fast. As for Shane, where has that babe been hiding out? Last I remember him was in A Walk to Remember. Those were his days! But now he's dabbling in lots and lots of TV stints and not enough dating. Go get him, no need for the imaginary part!

Dear Ted:
Please stop talking about people that do not deserve your, or your readers' attention. Charlie Sheen? Really? The only thing people should be worried about is his kids, whom neither of the parents should have custody of! Carry on all you want about a celebrity's personal life, but the kids did not ask for this. I know you have a heart for abused animals. What about the children? Don't take sides!

Dear Calm Down:
Honestly? You really just contradicted yourself. Obviously I would not write up info about the kids if I didn't care about them. I'm just making sure everyone knows what's going on and who will likely be taking care of the kidlets. No sides, just spilling the important stuff. Deal with it, please! 

Dear Ted:
Please answer my question. I have emailed it like 10 times!! Did Kurt Cobain have a Blind Vice? Do you have any info at all on his relationship with Courtney Love?

Dear Stalker:
You really think anyone would consider that couple as Blind Vicey? Come on. They let it all hang out and were totally proud of it. Hate to burst your Blind bubble, but I got nothing for you with that gone relaysh. Hope he's resting in peace either way though, hon!

Dear Ted:
My rescue dog Daisy and I are wondering if you know the deal Rob and Kristen got for making Breaking Dawn? Are they getting a cut of the profit or is it base salary? I ask because this new PDA may have something to do with getting people to go to their movie in November. Daisy thinks so. 

Dear Paying for PDA:
Man do we love smart cookies and puppies! It's hard to tell, but I doubt they are literally getting paid by the kiss. The two seem pretty smitten, and we can spot a phony relaysh pretty well these days. Only thing that really worries us is if this will all go to crap once they move onto totally different movie scenes. Just don't get Hollyweird on us (completely), you two. Have a little faith, you and Miss Daisy over there!

Dear Ted:
In a recent Bitch-Back you said Anne Hathaway was no striking beauty and she dates to advance. Why the Anne hate all of the sudden? Is there something you know that we don't?

Dear Upset:
Doll, I didn't call the gal fugly! I was just saying she is not an exotic, striking, damn kind of a woman. She's beautiful. Just not drop-dead friggin' gorgeous. We all know there is a difference, but that doesn't mean her personality doesn't bump her up like a trillion points, duh! I have mad respect for her and her acting and general attitude.

Dear Ted:
Is there going to be backstage Glee drama come season three when contracts are up? I assume all the cast will want a raise and more "perks." Do you think anyone other than Chris Colfer and Naya Rivera stand a chance of getting asked to stay on for additional seasons?

Dear WTF:
I assume that they get enough perks. The show is a huge hit and there is no way Ryan Murphy is going to get rid of any member of that cast. Everyone has grown to obsess over them. I mean, a salary raise for Lea Michele and potentially diva Naya is believable, but for two totally different reasons.

Dear Ted:
How are these for guesses: Cookie Muncher is  Rebecca Romijn and Sheila Horn E. is Uma Thurman Did I get it right? Or am I thisclose?

Dear Not Even:
to this close! Sorry doll, you got it all wrong. Don't get to ahead of yourself. It's never that obvious.

Dear Ted:
With Catherine Zeta-Jones doing a big "reveal" (more than usual) this week, does that mean she's Cruella St. Shackles?

Dear Snoopy:
Is this some kind of sick joke? Hell, no. Zeta's got way more class that Ms. Shackles—like a ton and a half more.

Dear Ted:
I just read a Halle Berry blurb about custody of her child. If both parents knew how to share and be fair-minded, there wouldn't be a need for a court battle. One party never seems to get it in these battles. Poor little girl. The not having his name on the birth certificate thing is very weird.
—Miss P

Dear Over It:
What's new? Halle can be sketch. I mean, that's not to say that Gabriel Aubry is the bigger person here. She just seems like she is pushing this too far. He's still the daddy, and she needs to deal with it. It was her choice as much as his. I don't think this custody battle will be speedy—not at all. It may take years with that stubborn woman.

Dear Ted:
I really, really  think Rihanna and Drake should get together! I was watching their "What's My Name" video and I thought they had amazing chemistry! Your thoughts?
—B in Alaska

Dear Rapper Matchmaker:
We could dig it. That video was extremely sexy, but doesn't he want on Nicki Minaj like every day. As long as he quits rapping about wanting to marry the beautiful Minaj, I'll let him take a stab at dating Ri-Ri. Otherwise, we'd like to see her get down with Rob Kardashian. He's too presh, and kinda dirty—as she likes ‘em!

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