Summer has officially arrived, and with it comes our favorite yet also sometimes questionable summer show, Bachelor in Paradise.
The second (or sometimes third) chance for Bachelor and Bachelorette rejects doesn't premiere until Tuesday, August 7 (after this season of The Bachelorette concludes), but in the meantime, we gotta talk about who's gonna hook up with who!
While more and more contestants will arrive throughout the season (and while all of this has already been filmed), we've got 18 romantic hopefuls to pair up in as many ways as we can imagine.
This absolute who??? was apparently a contestant on Nick Viall's season of The Bachelor. You don't remember her because she went home night one. She's a 28 year-old model who listed Ace Ventura, Despicable Me, and The Notebook as her favorite movies.
She should give her rose to: Jordan, obviously, because he's also a model. But she might also find success with Nick from the current season of The Bachelorette, because we similarly do not know who he is.
She's a 32 year-old event designer who couldn't live without avocados, and you know her as the girl on Arie Luyendyk Jr.'s season who really struggled with childhood traumas involving dogs and bumper cars.
She should give her rose to: John, a founder of Venmo. He and all his money could surely comfort her and all her traumas. Or maybe David, since they both wore costumes for their limo arrivals? But we also have a weird feeling she's going to go after Joe, the grocery store owner who became a star even though Becca sent him home night one.
Listen, we remember Astrid, but we also don't. She is a 27 year-old plastic surgery office manager, and her most memorable moment came during a track and field date when she really regretted not wearing a more supportive sports bra, then nearly got her hand crushed by Rachel Lindsay before winning...time in the hot tub with Nick Viall...while still wearing her sports bra and leggings.
She should give her rose to: someone athletic. (Are we saying that just because she won the athletic challenge? Maybe.) Perhaps Kenny or Kevin? Though she may have to try and stick around long enough for some of the athletes from Becca's season to start showing up.
Bibiana quickly became a star during Arie's season, even making the jump directly to Bachelor Winter Games. There, the 30 year-old executive assistant had a brief relationship with Canadian Kevin before she lost him to Ashley Iaconetti, then moved on to New Zealander Jordan.
She should give her rose to: Kevin, maybe? Now that Ashley has moved on (to an engagement, which happens on Bachelor in Paradise), maybe it's time for Kevin and Bibiana to try again, without Ashley's tears getting in the way.
Is it weird that we're also hoping that Chris/Eddie from Friends shows up this season? He and Bibiana both had meltdowns over not getting their time, but she handled it way better and maybe she could teach him a thing or two about not being a jerk.
Chelsea is a 29 year-old mom who won Arie's first impression rose, and she is such a mom. She just wants to be taken to France, where all her childhood fairy tales seemed to take place. Being a mom was certainly part of her identity on The Bachelor, and we can't imagine that's changed much.
She should give her rose to: Kenny, so they can bond over being parents, and maybe he can take her to France.
Listen, we know absolutely nothing about David other than the fact that he hates Jordan and knows a lot of chicken puns. Will that be enough for the 25 year-old venture capitalist to stick around on Bachelor in Paradise? It probably actually depends on how long Jordan also sticks around.
He should give his rose to: Kendall. According to her Instagram stories, they watched this week's episode together, so this is a bit of a cheat, but clearly they get along! We could also see him hitting it off with Annaliese, she of the bumper car sob story.
The 30 year-old personal trainer didn't find success with Rachel Lindsay on The Bachelorette or with anyone on Winter Games, but we have high hopes for him in Paradise.
He should give his rose to: Krystal. They're both very into spirituality and fitness, and we could see them both really thriving on that beach, especially when Krystal's not competing for a guy like Arie. But whatever happens, we hope he finds someone who is kind to him.
Listen, grocery store owner Joe is already the star of the season. We met him for two seconds on night one of Becca's season before she rudely sent him home, but he has remained in our hearts ever since. He deserves only the best, but we feel like his mysterious but friendly nature will attract many a rose.
He should give his rose to: Is there anyone good enough for Trader Joe? We genuinely do not know the answer to that (since we don't know that much about Trader Joe), but perhaps a Tia? We do worry that Tia is a little caught up with current Bachelorette contestant Colton, but if he moves on with Becca, maybe Tia and Joe are perfect for each other.
When we think about perfect Bachelor women (to go with the perfect Joe we've created entirely in our heads), Sienne comes to mind. But will Sienne ever come to Paradise? That remains to be seen.
He helped found Venmo! That means he's rich! This 28 year-old software engineer won the lumberjack date, which is all we know about him other than the fact that he also likes to make banana bread.
He should give his rose to: Annaliese. Or Nysha. We're just going off of gut feelings on this one, honestly.
Ah, Jordan. The male model with the brilliantly insane one-liners was ousted from The Bachelorette this week, but we believe he's got a chance at finding love in Paradise. Maybe.
He should give his rose to: Angela. She's also a model! But we'd also be really interested to watch a conversation between Jordan and Krystal.
Kendall started out as the weird taxidermy girl on Arie's season and slowly, we all came to look past the dead animals and love the quirky 27 year-old creative director in spite of them. What she needs, however, is someone who can love Kendall and her dead animals.
She should give her rose to: David, her Bachelorette-watching buddy. They did both endure a two-on-one, after all. But we could also see her being interested in Canadian Kevin as well.
Sweet, sweet Kenny King. The 36 year-old wrestler left Rachel's season to go home to his daughter, and clearly that's a relationship that's extremely important to him.
He should give his rose to: Chelsea, just so they can bond over being parents. But we could see Kenny getting along with a lot of people in Paradise, so we have high hopes for him!
We Americans only met Canadian Kevin during Winter Games earlier this year, but he made quite a splash. He first had Bibiana and Ashley fighting/crying over him, then ended up leaving the show coupled up with Ashley. That soon ended to make way for Ashley's long-awaited relationship with Jared Haibon, so Kevin's a single man!
He should give his rose to: No doubt the somewhat slightly exotic Kevin will have multiple women after him, but we think he should either try again with Bibiana or go for someone a little more unknown and mysterious, like Astrid, Angela, or Nysha.
Oh, Krystal. The fitness coach with the sultry voice became quite the villain during Arie's season of The Bachelor, eventually breaking down and even calling him a "needled--k" in unaired footage. That competitive environment was not for her, just as we're pretty sure Arie was not for her.
She should give her rose to: Eric. They both love fitness, they both love spirituality, and they could be good for each other in a weird way.
Nick was only eliminated from Becca's season a couple of weeks ago and we do not remember who he is, but apparently he's a 27 year-old attorney who loves tracksuits and calls himself a weekend warrior. We've got a lot of thoughts on that, most notably that there's not a lot of need for tracksuits on a beach.
He should give his rose to: Another unknown, like Angela or Nysha. Does Astrid like tracksuits? Does anyone like tracksuits??
Nysha was sent home by Arie on night one, so we know very little about her other than the fact that she's a 30 year-old orthopedic nurse who loves badass powerful women like Mulan and Olivia Pope. It sounds like we could be her friend, but we don't know anything more than that!
She should give her rose to: Nick, another unknown, but only for that reason because again...tracksuits. We also would not blame her for setting her sights high. Go for Joe, girl! Or John! Or Eric!
Tia seemed like the frontrunner for Bachelorette after Arie's season, all the way until he brutally dumped Becca and secured her spot as the next star. The 26 year-old physical therapist then caused a bit of a stir this season by having dated Colton Underwood before he went to compete for Becca's heart.
She should give her rose to: Anyone who will keep her on long enough to see if Colton will show up. If he doesn't, we'd watch Joe and Tia give things a shot.
Bachelor in Paradise will premiere Tuesday, August 7 at 8 p.m. on ABC.