Ah, bonjour mes amis!
Tonight, Le Bachelor took a trip to Paris to engage in only the fanciest Parisian activities, like performing in thongs at the Moulin Rouge and riding in boats. Lauren B. said little more than "wow" during her sightseeing date, and I actually had to pause the show and take a few deep breaths when Arie and Young Bekah were up on the Moulin Rouge stage, mouthing lines and trotting around in a way that I can only describe as incredibly and personally embarrassing for me.
But none of that matters, because tonight was all about the two-on-one, featuring taxidermy enthusiast Kendall and wild self-investor Krystal.
The moment it was revealed that there would be a two-on-one, Krystal knew it was just for her, and it didn't even matter who was on it with her, because no one else is even on her level.
Everyone hoped that Kendall would return (especially Kendall), but everyone also knew that for some reason, Arie saw something in Krystal that the rest of them weren't seeing. Or maybe they were the ones seeing something in Krystal that Arie didn't see. Either way, Krystal's thoroughly unpredictable, so it was unclear how this would go.
The beginning of the date was incredible in theory. It turned out to be relatively boring, but it was basically a big game of Hide and Seek in a maze, with Arie hiding and making the girls find him. Kendall wandered around lost while Krystal seemed to find Arie pretty easily and we were left wishing that had gone more in the direction of The Maze Runner or the Tri-Wizard Tournament, just to spice things up.
Arie was still mad about last week's bowling alley situation, and at first, Krystal did a relatively good job of patching things up with him. But then she felt the need to throw Kendall under the bus, explaining that she just did not feel like Kendall was ready for love or marriage, and she didn't know why Kendall was even on this show.
Arie told Kendall about this, and Kendall explained that it's the person, not the time that made a person ready, etc etc. Then, for some reason, Arie was MIA, so Kendall had a moment to talk to Krystal. Since Krystal was just making things up, she had no response when Kendall asked why she told Arie those things, and so Kendall went and turned this s--t on its head.
"I feel like you have so much beauty in you. Like I 100% see that. You've been through a lot of pain, like more pain than I can even understand, and it feels very controlled. I don't think you should try to control it."
"Man, you're imperfect, and isn't that like amazing?"
"I don't really have words," Krystal said, never taking that sweet but slightly psychotic smile off her face.
Then Arie returned, ruining this intense girl power moment by picking up the rose and then explaining that he wasn't yet ready to give out the rose, and he would see both women for dinner.
Then Krystal revealed that she didn't even care about Kendall's "wisdom," and she was just annoyed.
The dinner was strange, because Arie pulled Kendall aside to talk to her, but it wasn't on camera. Instead, we watched the other women back at the hotel as they wondered what on earth was going to happen with Kendall at such a disadvantage in terms of connection with Arie. But then Arie and Kendall came back to the table and Arie gave Kendall the rose, explaining that he saw promise, even if it was really hard to say goodbye to Krystal.
Kendall got to go make out on the Eiffel Tower with Arie, and needless to say, Krystal was "floored." Why would he dump such a strong, confident Krystal for some strong, confident not Krystal? Those were not the words she used, but basically she thinks she walks on water and no one else is even close to that level she's always talking about being on.
Anyway, there goes our entertainment for the season.
Arie also went on a date with Jacqueline, and the best part was when their car broke down. Later, things got awkward when they realized that Jacqueline was going to be in school for like six years, which throws a bit of a wrench into Arie's dream of settling down in Scottsdale.
She got a rose anyway, and it was finally time for the rose ceremony. Jenna was left without a rose, as was Chelsea, and we were reminded of that time in the premiere when Chelsea was the most annoying, and we assumed her arc would be extra dramatic. Instead, she kind of fell to the background, and now she's gone.
The most interesting part of the rose ceremony was Lauren B's reaction afterwards. She had a rose from her strangely quiet date with Arie earlier in the episode, but she had a sort of private meltdown over the presence of the other women because she was so worried Arie wouldn't pick her in the end. She barely spoke for most of their date, but she explained to someone off camera that she was so quiet because she loves him so much, which is such a common tactic but not one that typically works all that well.
Will Lauren B's quietness win Arie over anyway? Will this show be remotely entertaining without Krystal? Whose guy is that showing up in the teaser to get his girl?
There's only one way to find out, and that way is looking up spoilers on the internet.
Just kidding! Same time next week, friends.
The Bachelor airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.