Ladies and gentlemen, Riverdale has returned.
And unsurprisingly, it does not appear that there were any kind of new year's resolutions made to slow down and chill a bit in 2018, because tonight's midseason premiere was, for the most part, a wild ride through crazytown. We were left going "Huh?" and "Why?" and "When did that happen?" at nearly every turn, but at least we did finally arrive at what we've all suspected for the past few weeks: Archie and Betty may have gotten the wrong guy arrested for the Black Hood murders.
Sure, the only evidence so far (other than our assertion that there's a more exciting culprit than "random janitor we just met") is that Archie has a feeling that he got it wrong, but he still shared his fears with the FBI, for whom he now supposedly works. But we'll get to that!
Anyway, here's a summary of tonight's most WTF moments, developments, and revelations.
Cheryl's mom is a prostitute now.
"You wanted me to get a job, Cheryl, and I did."
Cheryl's mom decided to make ends meet by becoming a "lady of the night," as Cheryl called her. And even after Archie threatened Nick St. Clair and got them a check for even more money, Penelope wasn't interested. She likes her new gig, apparently.
Polly joined a cult.
The elder Cooper sister suddenly appeared in the Cooper house, sans baby bump, to get some of her stuff, shocking Betty with the casual news that she already had the twins and it was no big thing. Their names are Jennifer and Dagwood, and the whole family is very happy and safe from judgement on The Farm, AKA the cult that Polly has joined. Sure!
Chic Cooper/Smith might be evil.
Since her sister had abandoned the family, Betty went in search of her long lost secret brother, who at first wanted nothing to do with his biological mother and sister. But then he got attacked, and Betty rescued him, and so he's sleeping in Polly's room. And he's also apparently not such a good guy, simply based on Jughead's voiceover declaring him a possible monster, and the accompanying footage of Chic standing creepily over Betty in the dark.
Archie now works for the FBI.
A dude claiming to be an FBI agent (you never can be sure) showed up to get Archie to help him take down Hiram Lodge for his shady involvement in organized crime and causing car accidents for near-rapists. That's how Archie found out that Nick St. Clair almost raped Cheryl and Veronica, and how Archie ended up visiting Nick to threaten him into a bigger check for Cheryl's family. In the end, Archie agreed to snoop for the feds if his dad and Veronica would be protected.
Southside High goes bye bye.
As part of a plan masterminded by the Lodges, who wanted to buy the land underneath it for some reason, Mayor McCoy shut down the problematic Southside High, which sent various Southsiders to Riverdale High. This is actually a great development if you ask us, because it brings the Southside/North side conflict to one, more manageable place. But it also results in things like Jughead declaring his loyalty to the Serpents (why though?) and causing fights when he refuses to take off the jacket (or his skin, as he called it) when Principal Weatherbee decided he would have no gang activities in his school.
Now, the Serpents are essentially a Dungeons and Dragons club, biding their time and "laying low in the tall grass" 'til they can be a real gang again. (Honestly can the Serpents just devolve into an actual D&D club? Please?)
So little Josie, so much time.
Remember all those promises we got that Josie would get more storylines this season? We're still waiting on that promise to be fulfilled, and we have so many questions about what the heck was going on between her and Cheryl a few episodes ago. All she did tonight was remind us about the demise of the Pussycats. More Josie please!
And also more Cheryl walking in slo-mo down the stairs!
Riverdale airs Wednesdays at 8 p.m. on the CW.