Getty ImagesSo you just lost The Bachelor. Now what?
You channel your rage/pain/sadness/embarrassment into fame. You refuse to return to your old, post-reality show life, wherein you spent your days in a cubicle/owning a small business/being a flight attendant, and pack up your bags and move to Los Angeles in pursuit of wealth and paparazzi. Ain't no shame in this post-Bachelor fame-hungry game.
Once upon a time, men and women went became contestants on The Bachelor (and The Bachelorette) to find love. They packed up their best rompers and more packets of concealer than a small country needs and headed off to The Mansion to meet their future soulmate. If things didn't work out, then so be it.
But in today's world, getting the final rose isn't even the true goal. After all, you don't go on television to compete in a reality show if you're not interested in being on television. Apologies to anyone out there who is still naive enough to harbor a belief that there is anything even remotely close to being there for the right reasons, but we're going to call a spade a spade. The Bachelor is for finding fame.
That's not to say that everyone is successful. It takes a special mix of skills, luck and knowledge, in addition to always wearing the perfect romper.
Amp up your social media game. This is a no-brainer. In fact, if you're planning on translating your 15 minutes in the dating-show spotlight into anything other than disappointment, this should have been number one on your to-do list. The most savvy of contestants will have started the process before their season even airs, so that the second they appear on television, their Instagram feed is ready and waiting for its many admirers.
And, even better, you can garner followers by keeping up with the current season on your many social media platforms. Post an Instagram every Monday to remind people that it's Bach nighttttt!! Live-tweet the episodes, taking careful consideration to focus not only on your own plot points, but any of the major moments. Snapchat yourself, capturing real-time reactions to all everything that's going down—puppy dog filter not required, but always encouraged.
If you want to be serviceable and interesting, you'd also fare well to include all your outfit credits and any other relevant information to help your newly acquired-fans be exactly like you. If you've got a killer beach wave in episode three, take to Instagram for a little tutorial. If your rose ceremony dress is a frock that everyone just needs this wedding season, let us know where you bought it. No amount of self-promotion is too much self-promotion.
Embrace your Bachelor type-casting. Better yet, lean into it like you've never leaned in before. Take that typecasting and run with it. After all, there isn't much you can do about the treatment you receive from the editing room, so you may as well use it to your advantage.
Sitting down to watch the first few Bachelor episodes can be a terrifying journey into the unknown. Most of what is said to the cameras is done under the influence of dozens of glasses of white wine and approximately zero bites of food, so all bets are off. Maybe you said one off-handed comment about an ex-boyfriend, and the next thing you know you're the crazy lady who can't get over the guy who broke up with her five years ago. We're sure Taylor never thought the words "mental health counselor" would burn her the way they did, but such is the edit.
That said, your typecasting is the key to your famous persona. It may not be the most flattering narrative, but it's what will set you apart from the rest of the pack, the perfectly nice women who will inevitably be known as the Laurens, or something like that. Make fun of yourself on social media and never turn down an interview opportunity because you don't want to further a stereotype of yourself. Instead of shying away from your reputation as a heavy napper, film a PSA for National Napping Day.
Get yourself that #SponCon. Remember that first tip about amping up your social media game? That wasn't just for the followers, it was for the money. Why be incredibly popular on Instagram with no sponsorships, when you could be incredibly popular on Instagram with a handful of sponsorships for mediocre brands that nobody has really heard of before?
The first true hallmark of a former Bachelor contestant's success is a partnership with FabFitFun. This subscription gift box service (the actual contents of which are, frankly, irrelevant) is willing to shell out moolah to anyone and everyone who has had even a millisecond of Bachelor screen time. If nothing else, you'll get free goody bags every month, and you'll probably also take in some cold, hard cash.
When you've graduated from FabFitFun, look no further than Diff Eyewear, the sunglasses to the kind-of stars. So long as you're willing to be confused for someone wearing ski goggles, then Diff is the #SponCon brand for you. The luckiest of budding celebrities even get to the design their own collection—don't worry, it's not as hard as it sounds. It's mostly picking out shades of reflective orange lenses.
Make Bachelor Nation you new social circle. What's more interesting than one former Bachelor contestant hanging out? A whole bunch of former Bachelor contestants hanging out. Pairing up with another member of BN instantly turns any gathering into a reunion. Talk about click-worthy!
It makes sense for your mental well-being, too. Being a contestant involves spending approximately 20 minutes a week with your would-be bethrothed, and the rest of your time with the other women and men vying for their affection. Time in the mansion will be much more pleasant if you can form some friendships, and your time after the mansion will be much more lucrative if you keep up those friendships.
This can mean anything from simply going to brunch and Boomerang-ing your mimosas, to walking red carpets for obscure charity functions, to appearing on each other's spinoff shows. If The Twins had never maintained their friendship with Lauren Bushnell, they never would have found themselves in front of the camera again, and they certainly never would have garnered their own season of Happily Ever After?
Write a tell-all book. This is the key to upping the fame factor no matter what the original medium. Tell-all books are buzzy. Tell-all books are tease-y. Tell-all books stay in the news cycle for weeks or months—first with the announcement that they're happening, then with sneak peeks of the book, and then with the release. Oh, and tell-all books make lots of money.
There's no one perfect formula for dishing about your Bachelor time, but one should be fully prepared to throw several people under the bus. No one wants to read a tell-all book about rainbows and unicorns, they want to read a tell-all book about how one of your contestants was terrible in bed.
Host any event you can get your hands on. Even if the event has seemingly nothing to do with you as a person or your area of expertise. So what if you're not a party planner? That shouldn't stop you from going on talk shows to discuss the Galentine's Day party you're going to throw. Find anyone that will have you, for a fee, of course.
This will not only get you money, but it will garner you exposure and lots of appearances in the Instagrams of regular people who get lucky enough to slide into the guest list. The more being in your presence feels like a celebrity sighting to the fans, the better.
Just when you feel the attention starting to fade, convince the producers of The Bachelor to let you appear on the show again. And thus, the cycle continues.