Let's cut to the chase: Most of you haven't seen all of the major Oscar-nominated movies this year.
There's nothing worse than watching the Academy Awards presentation surrounded by film buffs, as you nod along and pretend to know what those inside jokes are about. There's no way you're going to have time to binge-watch all the flicks in the next two days, so we're going to do you a solid and give you a little buffer on the films we think you should be aware of, in as few words as possible.
Think of it as the lazy person's guide to the Oscars. Simply memorize a few buzz words here and there, and you're well on your way to stimulating Oscar night conversation.
American Sniper: Clint Eastwood ruffles a lot of feathers by making a pro-Iraqi war film that wasn't actually meant to glorify snipers or being a soldier at all.
Otherwise known as: Bradley Cooper got super, super jacked and spent a lot of time looking through a gun scope.
Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance): A camera follows Michael Keaton, without stopping or cutting, for longer than is humanly possible.
Otherwise known as: Spending two straight hours trying to decide what is imaginary and what is reality, and then realizing at the end that ambiguity is the whole darn point.
Boyhood: Binge-viewing a sentimentalized version of your own youth will make you realize how similar we all are, and that you should really thank your parents more.
Otherwise known as: The most you'll ever cry during a movie that isn't actually that sad.
The Grand Budapest Hotel: The same ol' Wes Anderson cast of characters, but this time they're chasing a missing painting through a fake European country while providing basically the only laughs of the Oscar lineup.
Otherwise known as: The movie that everyone wants to win, but never actually will.
The Imitation Game: A slightly long, slightly rambling biopic, but in the end Benedict Cumberbatch (as Alan Turing) breaks the Nazi secret code to give the Allied forces an intelligence advantage and also kind of lays the groundwork for all modern technology.
Otherwise known as: A bunch of Brits band together to make you feel intellectually inferior.
Selma: The tale of the civil rights marches in 1965 in Alabama, led by Dr. Martin Luther King, that led to the creation of the Voting Rights Act yet are still shockingly indicative of today's civil rights landscape.
Otherwise known as: The Oscars snubs that called out the serious lack of diversity at the Academy Awards.
The Theory of Everything: Stephen Hawking isn't just an unsurpassed genius—he is an unsurpassed genius with a rollercoaster of a love life that makes for great movie about his saint of a first wife.
Otherwise known as: Eddie Redmayne really hopes this performance helps everybody forget Jupiter Ascending.
Whiplash: Miles Teller plays his heart out on the drums while J.K. Simmons, as the scariest music teacher ever, makes us wonder how far it's acceptable to push yourself to be the best.
Otherwise known as: Getting up close and personal with J.K. Simmons' spit.
Gone Girl: Boy meets girl, boy marries girl, boy and girl lose jobs and are forced to move to Missouri, girl goes missing, boy probably killed her, oh wait boy probably didn't kill her, boy and girl are both completely insane.
Otherwise known as: Do not ever mess with Rosamund Pike. Seriously, do not.
Foxcatcher: True crime-meets-sports movie as a rich (and terrifying) benefactor gets more and more insane about one of his wrestlers.
Otherwise known as: Can a prosthetic nose win an Oscar?
Wild: Who knew that all you needed to cure yourself of a life haunted by a mother's death, drug use, infidelity, and the breakdown of a marriage was a 1,100 mile walk?
Otherwise known as: Reese Witherspoon deserves the Oscar for the damage to her feet alone.