So you're adequately prepared for what is to come on one of the biggest shopping days of the year (the day after Christmas), we've outlined everything you can and should expect when you enter into the Thunderdome, aka the mall parking lot:
1. The car that has its hazards on holding up the line
Just because you have your hazards on does not mean you are allowed to park your car anywhere.
2. The car that goes in for the spot another car was waiting for
If you take a spot that you know someone else is waiting for, we will see you in hell.
3. The car that goes the wrong direction and then figures it out and holds everyone up trying to turn around
You are making it worse! Just go home if you don't understand how those giant arrows painted on the ground work.
4. The car that parks next to the curb
That is not a parking spot. Do you think you are above the rules of a normal parking lot?!
5. The car that parks like a complete idiot
Did you really get out of your car, look at your parking job and say to yourself: "You know what? That looks good. That won't inconvenience anyone parked next to me."
6. The car that is more expensive than the others so they feel they have the authority to take up two spaces
Fun fact: if you are parked like a real d--k bag, people will be more inclined to mess with your car. Trust us.
7. The car that is so small that it gets everyone's hopes up thinking it's a space from afar
Ugh! Every. Single. Time! Stupid Smart Cars.
8. The car that has a raging driver inside honking
Hey, we're all pissed off. Honking at a line that isn't moving will not change anything, we promise. No one is going to hear your horn and say: "Well, I was going to just sit here and block traffic but since the guy behind me is honking, I think I'll move out of the way!" No one can move. That's the problem.
9. The person that is clearly not handicapped but parks in the space anyways
These spots are for people who really need to be close to the entrance. If you don't have a tag, please don't park here. You also can't have someone sitting in the driver's seat "ready to move the car" if a handicap vehicle comes around. That's not how it works.
10. The shoppers walking to their car that you are following to take their spot and they forgot where they parked
That person you are trailing with your car like a creep as they walk back to their car (we all do it), will almost definitely move one lane over just when you think they are going to their car so you can get their spot. It's almost a guarantee.
11. The person walking around in the parking lot on their phone, completely oblivious to the traffic they are holding up
This is as close as you'll ever get to wanting to hit someone with your car (which, of course, don't!). Pedestrians: pay attention because more than likely, cars are trying to drive through this parking lot. DO NOT walk down the center of the aisles.
12. The person with the screaming children they can't control
Ask them what stores they'll be going to so you can avoid those same stores.
13. The person that looks like they robbed a store because their cart is so full of items
Either they went overboard or they got all their shopping done in one day. This person might also have two carts to drag around, so they'll probably be in the way all the time.
14. The person that leaves their shopping carts wherever they please
A pox on the houses of those who put shopping carts into empty spaces.
15. The fighting couple
They will almost certainly break up before the shopping trip is done.
Have a safe and happy after-Christmas shopping spree, everyone!
(Originally published on Thu., Nov. 27, 2014 at 9:00 AM PST)