Stephen Colbert, Matthew McConaughey


Hey, to each his own.

Stephen Colbert took on one of the hotter topics roiling the nation on yesterday's Colbert Report (only 12 episodes left, hiccup, sob...), adding the "declining standards of sexiness" to his latest ThreatDown.

His case in point?

Chris Hemsworth being named People's Sexiest Man Alive for 2014.

While the rather inconsequential decision (or "monumental burden" the magazine tasks itself with every year) seemed to prove even less controversial than usual this time (we certainly didn't have much to quibble with), Colbert apparently had his heart set on a Matthew McConaughey repeat.

 Chris Hemsworth, People's Sexiest Man Alive

"This year, People magazine has sullied its reputation as the preeminent supermarket impulse buy," Colbert lamented. "Chris Hemsworth? How is he the Sexiest Man Alive? He's not even the sexiest Hemsworth alive. Which brings me to Threat No. 3: America's declining standards of sexiness."

"Someone has to stand up!" he insisted. "First of all, an Australian? There's nothing sexy about the Aussies. You can't even see their abs becaue of that pouch they have in front." (Not all Aussies are marsupials, Stephen.)

But what he was really upset about was not Hemsworth's triumph. It was McConaughey being overshadowed, right smack in the middle of the "McConaissance."

Matthew McConaughey

Marc Piasecki/WireImages

"The last time I checked, he's still alive and, as God is my witness, he is a man," Colbert continued, launching into his argument for McConaughey—People's Sexiest Man Alive in 2005—deserving that title all day and all night.

Because, according to the soon-to-be host of CBS' Late Show, since McConaughey wore the crown, there has been "nine years of fugly butterfaces."

You know, Johnny Depp, Hugh Jackman, Channing Tatum...those types. Watch and be schooled in the fine art of sexiness:

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