Jennifer Lawrence, David Letterman

Jeffrey R. Staab/CBS

Oh, how we've missed Jennifer Lawrence on talk shows.

The star of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire had to cancel her morning appearances but was bursting with anecdotes by the time she arrived at the Late Show With David Letterman tonight.

Dave asked J.Law about the recent medical issue that dampened her enjoyment of her hotly anticipated film's L.A. premiere and the 23-year-old Oscar winner replied with her usual candor.

"I thought I had an ulcer, but it turns out it was a 'fulcer,'" Lawrence said, coining a new word right off the bat. "I went to the emergency room."

Quizzed about her symptoms, she spared no details: "I just had this really bad pain for, like, three weeks. And you know you can only s--t your pants so many times a day before you go to the emergency room, before you're like 'I need to go to the hospital.'"

Explosive stuff.

"It's like talking to Helen Hayes," Letterman quipped, referring to the late great stage actress and EGOT winner.

"But I just did this thing yesterday called an endoscopo-something, where they put you to sleep?" Lawrence continued, Letterman nodding his understanding. "And the woman—it's pretty clear when you first meet me, I'm a freakin' head case and I'm crazy—so I'm in there like," she darted her head from side to side, "Ugh, what are these?! What do they mean?! What does that say?!'"

(An endoscopy, meanwhile, is when they insert a camera into your body and send it looking for issues like ulcers. Or fulcers.)

Lawrence, who at one point attempted to ameliorate the chill of the Ed Sullivan Theatre by cuddling up under a pink floral-print quilt, then recounted how she just couldn't relax, despite the nurse's suggestion that she think of something pleasant as the anesthesiologist went to work.

"The last thing I said was, 'I'm paralyzed!'" the actress exclaimed.

"And then I just passed out, and when I woke up [the nurse] was like, 'Jennifer, did you have any dreams?'"

"'I dreamed there was a nuclear bomb that went off,'" Lawerence joked, immitating her own groggy voice, "and then the first lucid conversation I remember having was about the Kardashians...and then I put my hand on the anesthesiologist's chest and said, 'Will you please just promise me something? Will you promise me you'll watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, please?'"

Speaking of great drama, it sounds as though everyone in Letterman's audience was treated to a performance for the ages tonight.

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