Warning: This story discusses suicide and mental health issues.
The news of Stephen "tWitch" Boss' death this week was a cruel shock, full stop.
And to hear that the 40-year-old husband and father—who basically did nothing in his public life but put smiles on people's faces, inspire countless fans to find a beat and dance and use his platform to give back—had died by suicide was devastating.
The words "seemingly out of nowhere" were used, while social media lit up with tributes and reminders to one and all to reach out for help, even if you just suspect that you might need it.
An outpouring of collective grief isn't uncommon when a famous person dies, and obviously no one can ever know what, exactly, is going through another's mind—especially a stranger from TV or TikTok who feels like a friend—but losing Boss does seem to have hit extra hard.
Not least because there is often at least a kernel of foreshadowing that might connect something from before to such a tragic outcome. But if that was the case here, then it wasn't anything witnessed in the public eye.
Boss was "somebody who projects happiness and fun and positivity," Dr. Judy Ho, a clinical and forensic neuropsychologist and author of Stop Self-Sabotage, told E! News. "It doesn't mean that we don't recognize that people go through stress and he may have his own problems, but in general he seems like somebody who's in a great place in life. I think that is what makes it especially shocking for people to process."
"It's just a good reminder that when we see somebody's life in public," she added, "it doesn't mean that they have it all."
But just as the news inevitably resulted in an uptick of positive mental health-related mentions, poring over the details of a death by suicide can also result in a negative spiral of wondering, If that person with this great life couldn't deal in the end, why should I try?
"It's important to try not to put it in that way," Ho explained, "and instead say, 'You know what, there may have been struggles that I'm not aware of—and it can happen to anyone, but that doesn't mean there isn't more I can do to try to prevent that happening to myself and people that I love, and try my best to find meaning in my life if I am someone who's struggled with these thoughts.'
"Maybe it's bringing up some trauma for you," she continued, "because maybe you had a family member who attempted suicide, or completed suicide, so it'll be important that you limit your exposure to the coverage. Of course there's going to be that curiosity, but at some point you're going to have to say, 'You know what, I've been doing this for 30 minutes, and I'm going to walk away.' Get the information but move on and try to connect with people."
According to Ho, staying connected IRL is one of the things we can do to mitigate the possibly detrimental impact that the holiday season—which, for countless people, is the most wonderful(ly stressful) time of the year—can have on our mental health.
First there's the whole darkness-at-5 p.m. part, which isn't exactly known as a spirit-lifter. Demands on our time, bodies and finances are the norm as Christmas, Hanukkah, et al. approach. Travel can be taxing for anybody. And those who are grieving or otherwise missing a loved on might feel that loss more acutely at this time of year.
And don't even get us started on New Year's Eve.
"Holiday stress is a very common experience," Ho said, so the first step is to "not judge yourself if you experience that."
The doctor and busy mom shared some accessible ways we can look out for ourselves and our loved ones during the holidays (and beyond), as well as guidance for families who may be facing tough conversations about loss.
What are some ways to practice self-care during the holidays?
At the end of the day, all we really want for Christmas is to stay sane.
"There's the stress of having to get all your work done, all your family duties, all these get-togethers that actually add stress, unresolved conflicts within families, financial pressures about gift-giving," Ho said. "And the holidays is a time when people reflect on losses in their lives, so grief can take over, and that makes it more difficult to feel joy.
"But knowing all of this and knowing that it's common," she continued, "there are some practical strategies to help yourself have good mental health—and one of them is to make sure you stick to routines."
As temperatures dip and the sun starts going down earlier, Ho explained, "people are more tempted to do things like sleeping in or not exercising—and actually this is the time to make sure that you do stick to routines, because your brain finds routines calming. They don't have to be anything major, but rather like, 'OK, every morning when I wake up, let's make sure to do at least three things.'"
One, read something inspirational. Two, get in touch with your body. "Some days it could be an exercise routine, but for other days it could just be a couple simple stretches in bed," Ho said. And third, do a quick gratitude exercise.
"Name three things you're grateful for in your life right now, no matter how hard things are," she explained. "Either say them out loud or write them down to make them concrete."
How do you combat stress during the holidays?
Sticking to a routine is key, Ho advised, as is doing at least one self-care or mental wellness activity a day.
"As long as it's intentional, even a super-short one, like taking 10 deep breaths, will make a big difference," she said. "Some days you're going to have more time, other days you might not. But make a joy list for yourself and, every day, do something that brings you joy." (Ho's wellness advent calendar has some useful ideas for anyone who's short on time.)
Last but not least: "Know your limits," Ho said. "I think around the holidays, people feel like, 'I should be in the holiday spirit, I really should do everything that people ask of me and be all things to all people.' But nobody can do that. This is the season to prioritize and if you can, say no to extra obligations because it can be really stressful."
Easier said than done, you say?
"'No' is a complete sentence by itself," Ho assured, "but if you have difficulty saying no, one good way to do this would be offer an alternative, as long as that's within your bandwidth. Like, 'No, I can't do that right now, but please ask me again in January.' Or, 'No, I can't do this get-together because we have other things going on, but maybe in a few weeks let's plan another social activity we can all do together.' You can offer an alternative that feels less stressful to you but still allows you to fulfill some of those social responsibilities that you have."
Is there a way to stop putting so much pressure on ourselves to be perfect?
"We're so judgmental of ourselves," Ho acknowledged. "We're so critical, and there might be a part of us that says, 'Well, maybe if I do this, if I beat myself up, then I'm going to motivate myself to be better.' But actually all it does is bring you down and leads to more negative thoughts. So it's important to be compassionate with yourself."
Which includes treating yourself as nicely as you treat others.
Ho said she'll ask her patients prone to negative self-talk, "What would you say to someone else? If this was your best friend, would you talk to them this way? What would you say in this situation?"
Also easier said than done, but, when you're in a shame spiral, "try to remind yourself of that," Ho said, "because we would never talk to our loved ones the way we talk to ourselves."
What are some warning signs that indicate a person might be having a mental health crisis?
A person might say out loud that they're struggling, but that can be a hard declaration to process.
"Sometimes there's disbelief if a family member says, 'I don't want to live here anymore,' or 'I don't want to be on this earth anymore,'" Ho explained, "because you just can't contemplate that they would do this. That's a normal reaction. But if they say anything that sounds hopeless, you have to take it seriously. Ask gentle questions, like, 'When you said that, that really concerned me. How are you feeling?' And, 'How can I help?'"
Other warning signs to watch for include increased isolation or an avoidance of the "activities of daily living," Ho continued, "like they're barely taking showers or it doesn't look like they're interested in eating—any kind of thing you would need to do to survive on a daily basis, they're just showing complete disinterest in it. If their sleep patterns or eating patterns have changed drastically in either direction—overeating, undereating, oversleeping or having a lot of insomnia. Using substances or even 10-hour Netflix binge-fests, or just playing video games or being on the Internet for hours and hours—those are all signs that they're trying to escape possibly some emotional pain."
What should you do if someone you know is showing signs of a mental health crisis?
"When you see those signs, talk to them about the behavior that you observe, but don't insinuate things," Ho advised. "Don't say, 'Well, I've seen you're totally isolative and you seem really sad, and that means you have depression and blah-blah-blah.' Just say what you observed, and then ask, 'What do you think about that?' Give them the open door to voice whatever feeling it is, but I think they will generally find that [approach] to be much more compassionate and less judgmental."
And, Ho noted, be prepared for the answer.
"Once you ask them what they need help with, being able to really support them" is the next step, she said. "There's a lot of stigma out there about mental illness. So it may be, 'OK, I want to go to therapy but I'm scared and I don't want anyone to find out.' If it's within your bandwidth, then say, 'Do you need help from me to research a good therapist? Do you need me to go to the first session with you, would that help?' Trying to be a little bit more proactive and understanding that if, they are suffering from depression, everything can feel really overwhelming—even trying to find a therapist. So if they do feel that they are interested in that, offering help is a way you can try to take some of that off their shoulders."
Is there a "right way" to talk to young people about death and grief?
Messages of love and support also poured in for Boss' wife Allison Holker and their children in the wake of his death. So many of us found ourselves wondering how a parent even begins to tell her kids (in this case ages 3, 6 and 14) about their other parent or step-parent being gone, let alone the circumstances of what happened.
Ho said that the approach to discussing death can vary depending on a child's age, but the common thread should be honesty.
"The conversation should be direct, but developmentally appropriate," she said. "Later they may have a lot more questions, but it's OK to talk more in depth about what death means. Teenagers understand that a father, or in this case stepfather, took his own life—and so really allow room for those conversations and be OK with whatever comes up."
Don't feel as if you need to hide it if you're having a hard time, too, as teens tend to mirror adult behavior. Acknowledge that, "Yes, I have these feelings as well, this is what I'm thinking about,' or 'It's OK that you're feeling all of these emotions,'" Ho suggested. "Just encourage that open dialogue—and check in with them frequently to see how they're doing."
When discussing death with younger children, Ho said, "parents are tempted to use euphemisms, like, 'Oh, they've gone to someplace,' and that can be really difficult because then they're not actually exposed to the truth, and you can't protect them from how other people are going to talk about it. So I do think it's important to try to get them to understand that the person is not coming back and that it's just part of the human process: that we're born, we live our lives and then we pass away.
"There are different ways you can talk about that," she continued, "like, 'Daddy's gone to heaven,' or 'Daddy's not coming back, but we'll always remember him,' but still be factual about it. Let them know that the person isn't coming back, but also instill in them something positive to remember that person, like, 'Let's talk about a way we can celebrate this lost one's life.' Whether it's designating a day where we celebrate our memories of this person, or even planting a tree and naming the tree after the person—that can be really healing because a tree is something that you can take care of and it grows."
But ultimately, Ho concluded, "do be honest in a developmentally appropriate way. For something like suicide that's very difficult—I don't think, with younger children, that you need to talk about those details. But do say, 'So-and-so is not coming back now, but we'll always remember them. This is what happens to all human beings, at some point we don't come back to this level of existence, but what's left is everything that they've done and all of their memories, and we're going to live on with that.'"
Are their behavioral patterns in children to watch out for after they've suffered the loss of a parent?
"It's also important to look for warning signs in children and teenagers of how their mental health might be deteriorating as a result," Ho explained. "Isolating themselves would be one. Changing their usual patterns, like not coming to the dinner table when you guys always have dinner together, locking themselves in their room or going to sleep a lot later—or a lot earlier."
If they're "afraid all of a sudden when other people in the house leave the home, because they're afraid that something else might happen to somebody else they care about," that's a way of expressing sadness and anxiety, she said. "Trying to give away some of their prized possessions or their favorite toys—that's another tell-tale sign." And like adults, Ho said, kids too may actually talk about taking their own lives—which can feel overwhelming, or downright terrifying, for those hearing them say it.
"In those cases," Ho said, "it's helpful to seek mental health support. You can't do it all, so for a parent or caregiver it might be helpful to say, 'I'm going to take you to someone to talk about these feelings,' and go with them to these appointments, or maybe even interview a few different therapists to see which one might be the best fit."
And for anyone, through the holidays and beyond, "it's important to try to find connection," Ho said. "It doesn't mean you have to all of a sudden be in a huge group of people. But even if it's just one or two trusted individuals in your life—especially when you know that you're struggling with your own mental health or the sadness in the news is making you feel hopeless—make sure to do that."
Or if you're concerned about someone else, don't underestimate the importance of checking in.
"It can be hard," Ho acknowledged, "because when people are struggling with different things, like depression or anxiety, sometimes they can push loved ones away. But it can make such a big difference if you pick up the phone and say, "Hey, I was just thinking about you and I wanted to call and say hello.'
"There doesn't have to be an agenda, but I think people forget that just that little tiny connection can make a huge difference in someone's life."