Summer's just about over, and that means that as unwilling as we are to say goodbye, our favorite summer show is also about to come to an end.
And that means that things are getting serious on the beach. Very, very serious. People are going to get married. Either that, or they're going to die. It's unclear, but in any case, it became very important tonight that people should only give other people flowers if they were very, very sure of their relationship.
For some reason, before the last regular rose ceremony could go down, it was necessary to bring in one last straggler. Her name was Tiara, the chicken enthusiast, and given the fact that she was sent home the first week of Ben's season, literally all we know about her is that she likes chickens, both as food and friends.
We didn't even get to see her go on a date, because she gave up her date card so Nick and Jen could get a chance to examine their very boring and doomed relationship. They continued to be very boring, both because a) we know Nick is the Bachelor and thus his thing with Jen doesn't last and b) these two together are just not nearly as exciting as any of the other couples.
Jen's worried about the wall Nick has up, and these fears are only made stronger by the fortune teller who sees the same thing. Nick did his best to assuage her fears, and they were stronger than ever by the time the date was over, maybe. If only there were a point to all this…
Back on the beach, Josh was making out with his pizza again, then switching to Amanda, and somehow Amanda still isn't grossed out by greasy frozen pizza mouth. This must be what love is, and we've been looking for the wrong thing all this time.
Meanwhile, Brett (Lamp Man) decided his connection with Lauren H (who we're still mad at for how rude she was to Jubilee) was stronger than his connection with Izzy, and he was left with the task of breaking up with the girl who dumped Vinny for him.
Needless to say, she was pissed, and immediately regretted having dumped Vinny, which duh.
She took off, and called him on the way home, but it didn't go well. He said he couldn't be with a person who would do a thing like dumping him for a guy with a lamp, which we get. His feelings for Izzy disappeared as quickly as her feelings for Lamp Man appeared, and Vinny was out. This sent Izzy into a panic attack, and so the last time we saw Izzy, she was crying on the side of the road, thinking she was going to throw up. Bye!
With Lamp Man seemingly set after Lauren H, it was up to Wells to decide which of the four remaining women got to stay. Poor Tiara never had a chance, and Shushanna knew she also didn't have a chance, so she just left, because she's a grown woman who doesn't need to deal with fighting over some dude. She's also a grown woman with a great point.
Then it turned out that Brett didn't really like Lauren H that much, so he gave his rose to no one, and Wells was then going to be responsible for three women going home. Despite the fact that Jami planned to "aggressively" accept Wells' rose, he ended up giving it to Ashley, and Ashley was thrilled…until the next day.
While Ashley couldn't wait to finally get losing her virginity over with with help from a guy who seemed like he could be good in bed, Wells freaked out. He liked her and stuff, but didn't want to commit to becoming an American treasure (as Nick predicted he'd become) by taking Ashley I's virginity. So just as Ashley was about to be like, "I want to have sex with you, let's do this," he ended things. Silly boys!
We're going to place a lot of blame on Chris Harrison, who just couldn't stop talking about how everything in Paradise was about to change, and literally no one who didn't want to get married immediately should stay on the beach any longer, as if these people were contractually obligated to be in love forever after the next day. In our opinion, Chris Harrison needs to chill out in his palapa, and remember how well things go when this show doesn't take itself seriously.
With both Ashley and Wells gone, only the serious couples were left to go on one last serious date before possibly getting engaged.
Grant and Lace went first, and they had a great time finding out what it was like to be a couple away from the beach. That involved taking lots of selfies and getting tattoos that said "grace."
"Grace is both of our couple names combined. It's Grant…and Lace," explained Grant.
Grant got his first and easily, and then Lace freaked the F out, both because a tattoo—especially a very visible wrist tattoo—is very permanent, and because they're very painful to get. She eventually sat still and got it done, and was so proud of herself, and we guess we're just proud of them for having names that, when combined, also just make words that normal people might get tattooed on their bodies. So in case this goes horribly wrong, there's that silver lining…on their wrists.
"The other couples are going to be so jealous," Lace exclaimed as they skipped out of the tattoo parlor. Okay.
Up next was Nick and Jen, who remained boring. They surfed a bit and talked some more about walls, and got a fraction of the screentime that Grace got before we switched to Carly and Evan. (Cevan?)
They walked up to a giant canvas on the ground, and as Carly observed, "We're the weird couple, so we have to do weird stuff."
Today's weird stuff involved taking their clothes off and attacking each other with paint, and it looked kind of fun, but if we were Carly, we would spend a lot more time going, "COME ON!"
Cut to Amanda, watching Josh play soccer with some kids. She needs a guy who's a great dad, because she has kids. He wants to have kids who will play sports, so he can be their coach, and all we will say is that coach dads are not among our favorite kinds of dads.
Then, it was time for everyone to eat dinner before heading to the fantasy suite. This was fine. Cevan said they love each other, and we think we're coming around on these two, even though Evan's still a weirdo. Nick and Jen said more of the same things about how they could totally fall for each other. Lace finally told Grant she loves him, and basically was ready to get engaged.
Josh and Amanda, meanwhile, also did these things, and the most genius part of tonight's episode was Amanda's little speech to the cameras, backed by a soundtrack of Josh moaning. It was wonderful, and we will miss this when this show ends. Except we also won't.
We're actually going to miss a lot of things when this show ends tomorrow night, even if Josh's moaning is not among those things. We'll miss the opening credits, and Jorge, and Chris Harrison saying "palapa," and Carly wondering what the hell she's doing with her life. We'll even weirdly miss Ashley I. Basically, there will be a big heart-shaped hole in our heart until next summer comes around, and we are not looking forward to it.
Bachelor in Paradise concludes Tuesday at 8 p.m. on ABC.