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Andy Samberg, Emmys

Fox

You've already read the predictions from our TV expert on who will win TV's biggest prizes this Sunday during the 2015 Emmys, but have you read our ridiculous, irresponsible and mildly insulting predictions for the show?! No? Jerk.

Well, make it up to us by reading our own predictions, because these things will almost definitely happen!*

*These things will absolutely not happen

Tatiana celebration GIFs

1. Tatiana Maslany will finally win her Emmy and the president of the Academy of Television Arts & Sciences will come onstage and yell out: "No more Emmys will be given out for the rest of time! Tatiana finally won, so we have officially concluded giving out awards forever." 

2. Andy Samberg will only speak in excerpts from Fifty Shades of Grey. Don Cheadle will be able to recite everything right along with him.

3. Someone from The View will ask a reporter on the red carpet why he's carrying a "microphone voice-speaky thingy."

4. American Horror Story: Freak Show will win the award for "Series Most Likely to Have Ruined Clowns for Anyone Who Hasn't Seen It Yet."

Kevin Spacey, Emmys GIF

CBS

5. Kevin Spacey will ask Jon Hamm "what's good?" onstage and Emma Thompson will Vine the whole thing.

6. Donald Trump will somehow wander onstage and everyone will just let him think it's another presidential debate.

7. Kate McKinnon will spend the entire evening texting Andre Braugher "Netflix and chill?" 

8. Taraji P. Henson will win an Emmy, but instead of an acceptance speech, she will stare silently at the audience until every single celebrity breaks eye contact and looks down at the floor. Only then will she leave the stage.

9. Amy Schumer will reveal herself to be the same person as Jennifer Lawrence and admit it was all a very, very, very long skit where she pretends to be an Oscar-winning actress.

10. Claire Danes will go on a 20-minute rant about how she discovered Jared Leto first.

11. Someone will tackle Kyle Chandler on the red carpet and demand to know why he didn't let Marshawn Lynch run the ball during the 2015 Super Bowl.

12. Frances McDormand will arrive on a hover board that's being pulled by 10 pug puppies. She will then adopt out those puppies to Keegan-Michael Key and Elisabeth Moss.

13. Julia Louis-Dreyfus will do a bit that involves ordering Jessica Lange to give her a piggy-back ride up to the stage. Jessica Lange will oblige.

Game of Thrones reaction GIFs

14. Rob Lowe will spend the evening crying into Kit Harrington's chest about the death of Jon Snow.

15. Someone on the production crew will entertain Liev Schreiber with puppets during the entirety of the broadcast. 

16. Andy Samberg will use his last 5 minutes of airtime to try and convince everyone that That's My Boy was a cinematic work of art on par with Citizen Kane. Zachary Levi will give him a sobbing standing ovation at the end. 

17. Lisa Kudrow and Matt LeBlanc will both announce live on the red carpet that they will sign on for a Friends movie reunion but only if Jennifer Aniston agrees to bankroll a Joey reboot as well 

18. Viola Davis will punch Ben Mackenzie in the face and say, "Welcome to the Emmys, bitch."

19. The Emmys president will give Amy Poehler 19 Emmys as an apology for all the awards show losses she's endured over the years.

20. Damian Lewis will spend all his red carpet interviews going over every detail of his Serial theory. He's on Team Adnan, by the way.

21. Any actor, writer or director who is there from a Netflix show will hold up cards that say "Are You Still Watching?" every time the camera cuts to them.

22. And finally, Robin Wright will answer the question "what are you wearing?" with "human skin, but I can't confirm which human."

Nailed it. See you guys on Sunday where you will see all of these come true!*

*Seriously, absolutely none of these will come true. Except for maybe the Tatiana Maslany one.